La Femme Nikita
By: Natasha Brandstatter: Proving that Sex, Violence, and Beautiful People
are, Indeed Enough to Make a Successful TV Show.
Love Poems to TV Stars
by Joe Durrant for Scott Baio, Jack Tripper, Tootie, Linda Lavin, Dana
Scully, Sherman Hemsley, and Lynda Carter
The Minnow Files
What Scully and Mulder really need to do is to get off their bums and
find out what the hell happened to Gilligan and the man known only as
"the Skipper"!
Once A Fat Ass...
Guess who Eric Cartman grows up to be! You'll never BELIEVE it!
Profiling Santa
Growing up Jewish, Max Burbank learned everything he needed to know about
Santa from those delightful, stop-motion-animated Rankin/Bass specials.
Celebrity
Fat Club - Coolia and Nerdia review the third season of Celebrity
Fat Club to review the weight loss progress of the likes of Chastity Bono,
Jeff Conaway and Kelly LeBrock.
American Idol
Audition Simulator
Take the "How Would Simon Cowell Judge You?" quiz and find out
if you're the total package or a total loser.
Dreadful Haikus for American
Idol
Not another commercial break to plug the Ford Focus?!? Julie Wiskirchen,
Christine Horace, and Nova Gutierrez bide their weekly American Idol
time writing haikus.
A Pathetic Haiku Tribute
for American Idol's Simon Cowell
He's the reason we got sucked into watching American Idol all
Summer, so we figured he deserved a haiku tribute. Yes, Simon, the question
remains: how have we remained undiscovered for so long???
Popstars Take Parramatta
Hypnotized by a most blatant and unashamed media blitz, Australian sheep
(the human kind) flock to a suburban mall to get their first live glimpse
of Bardot, a Spice Girls-clone band assembled, packaged, and sold on a
reality TV show called Popstars.
When Has-Beens Attack!
Has Fox hit a new low in television history? Judge for yourself by reading
our chat room review of Celebrity Boxing.
Three Apes Chat About the 2001
Oscars
When we watch the Oscars we want to know more than who will win. We want
to know if Catherine Zeta Jones married Michael Douglas to advance her
career. We want to know if Russell Crowe punched Steve Martin backstage
for that kidnap joke. And we want to know why Benicio Del Toro is sitting
next to some old ugly guy and not one of us.
2002 Golden Globes Awards
The Ape Gang tries to figure out who the Hollywood Foreign Press really
are and ends up getting blitzed playing the "everybody drink when
somebody thanks Dreamworks" drinking game.
Chat Room Review of the America:
A Tribute to Heroes telethon
Egged on by her fellow apes, Coolia tries her damnedest to get through
to make a pledge to Jack Nicholson, fearing instead she'll get Whoopi
Goldberg who will want to tell her about her favorite Entenmann's
Divas '99: A Look Back in Anger!
Christopher Brisson spent some harrowing hours in front of the TV-set
one star-cold spring evening. He is only now finally able to speak about
what tortures he was put through.
Divas Live Ad Nauseum
Another year, another Divas Live. You may as well give in to it and read
our review. You are powerless against the whims of VH1 and Donald Trump
who must really like the show because he's right there in the audience
every year. Read about this and other pathetic occurrences when Ape Culture
reviews Divas Live 2000.
A Plague of Divas
Some thought the big white orb moving across the stage of Radio City Music
Hall Tuesday night was actually a extraterrestrial spaceship. No, just
another rotund Diva tribute on VH-1's Divas Live 2001. Read about yet
another Close Encounter of the Diva Kind.
The Divas That Wouldn't Die!
Does Cher sing live this year? What teen idol tries to pass herself off
as a Diva this year? Are Divas fat or skinny this year? Find out the answers
to these questions if you can stand another DIVAS LIVE REVIEW from HELL!
