"Ring" This is Billie Jean. I’ve
just been released from Malibu General and I’ve got you down on
the certificate. If you don’t come down for testing…I’m
taking you to court! Theme music plays.
Scene 1: A Surprising Conversation
Fade In
Interior. Rockford’s paneled trailer at 29 Cove Road,
Malibu, Calif. Early a.m. Rockford is sleeping on his leather couch. He’s
a big guy with a big head, black wavy hair and a Malibu cowboy look. He
wears typical 70s tan polyester pants and a long-sleeved shirt. He looks
haggard and beat. The TV is on but only the late-night rainbow bars are
showing. The phone is ringing. Rockford wakes up and looks at the clock
on the end table.
Rockford:
Ok, ok. Hold your socks. (He stumbles to the phone). Yeah…yes, this
is Jim Rockford….Do you know what time it is, Ms?…Miss Nancy
Drew…missing person?…well, Miss Drew, I’m pretty busy
right now…I…this morning?…Ah …well…ok…(haggard
look). I’ll meet you at 7 am…Now that’s $200 a day…plus
expenses.
Scene 2: An Unpleasant Detective
Dissolve to the Malibu Taco Stand, near Rockford’s
trailer. Rockford is eating a taco and the saucy grease is dripping down
his wrist. Nancy Drew approaches in a trim frock. She is a noted, golden
haired detective with intelligent blue eyes. She’s wearing a wool
suit circa 1940. Her hair is done in 40s starlet fashion as well.
Nancy Drew:
Hello, Mr. Rockford. How are you this morning?
Rockford:
Very tired, Miss Drew. Now what’s this all about?
Nancy Drew:
I’m working on a mystery and I need your help.
Rockford:
I’m sorry, Miss, but I work alone.
Nancy Drew:
That’s very unfortunate, Mr. Rockford, since I’ve made this
trip all the way from River Heights!
Rockford:
Where is that?
Nancy Drew:
Why, that’s where I live.
Rockford:
I mean, where is it located on a map.
(blank look from Nancy)
Rockford:
Help me out. Can you give me a state?
Nancy:
East.
Rockford:
East? Wait a minute -- if you don’t know where it is, how did you
make your airline reservations?
Nancy Drew:
Oh, I didn’t take a plane. I took the train. And besides, my father
makes all the arrangements for my travels and accommodations.
Rockford:
I see.
Nancy Drew:
You ask too many questions, Mr. Rockford. I’m just a girl.
Rockford:
Listen Nancy! You wake me up in the middle of the night rambling on about
some missing person…
Nancy Drew:
Very well. My engagement ring is missing. When I asked my boyfriend, Ned,
about it, he was baffled. He didn’t know where it could be. Now,
he’s missing, as well.
Rockford:
Ned?
Nancy Drew:
Yes, Ned Nickerson.
Rockford:
I’m sorry Miss Drew, but I don’t do domestic cases.
Nancy Drew:
(Nancy gasps) This is hardly a domestic situation! Ned has never touched
me in the ten years we’ve been courting!
Rockford:
Never touched you?
Nancy Drew:
(a trifle provoked) No, sir. I’m not that type, Mr. Rockford.
Rockford:
You mean to tell me that in ten years, this Ned has never made any moves
on you?
Nancy Drew:
Mr. Rockford, you’re being rude. Let’s get back to the story.
Last week as I was packing for my excursion to Malibu, I had a very frank
discussion with my faithful housekeeper Hannah Gruen about the whole matter.
Rockford:
The matter?
Nancy Drew:
I had begun sleuthing even before I left River Heights.
Rockford:
Sleuthing?
Nancy Drew:
As I spoke with Hannah, my thoughts returned to some remarks I had found
earlier that evening on a slip of paper someone must have left on my doorstep.
It said, "Stay out of Malibu or you’ll be sorry!" The
next morning, I received a telephone call. The man on the line had a very
gruff voice. He said, "Let me speak to Miss Drew." I said, "this
is she speaking." He said, "Then listen! Mind your own business,
if you know what’s wise."
Rockford:
That’s it? That’s all he said? "You’ll be sorry?"
What’s that supposed to mean? I get calls like, "Your dog is
dead. Twelve hours and then you and the girl are next" or "Shut
up or tomorrow your friends won’t be able to recognize you"
or "This is one party you won’t come home from."
Nancy Drew:
Well anyway, I’m in Malibu and as I know the proper way to approach
a mystery, I’ve contacted you Mr. Rockford, a local investigator.
I’d like you to make further inquiries. I would like to finish telling
you about other unscrupulous schemes but right now I simply don’t
have time. I have some welcoming parties to go to and a theater gala in
my honor. By the way, do you carry a firearm?
Rockford:
No, I don’t have a permit to carry a gun. Listen, Miss, I haven’t
decided to take this case. It all sounds fishy to me.
Nancy Drew:
You refuse? You are an impudent, ill-mannered detective! (sweetly) You’ll
not fail me, will you?
Scene 3: A Valuable Clue
Dissolve to Interior of Rockford’s car, a tan ’77
Firebird. Rockford is driving. Angel Martin, Rockford’s former cell-mate
from a short but pardoned prison stint, rides along.
Angel:
I like you, Jim. There’s nothing phony there, you understand? But
that chick, Nancy Drew, who you wanted me to follow? She was on to me,
man.
Rockford:
Well that’s all very interesting, Angel, but (looks out the back
window) we’re being followed by a ’38 Ford Roadster.
(Rockford speeds the Firebird up and a car chase ensues.
The Firebird squeals around a crowded corner. The Roadster keeps up.)
Angel:
By the way, Jim, she thinks you’re insolent.
Rockford:
I don’t care what she thinks, Angel. What did you find out?
(The Firebird zooms up a hill)
Angel:
Well, Jim, apparently she wants to marry this Ned Nickerson fellow. My
sources tell me she would do anything to really put the squeeze on Ned.
What kind of a name is Ned, Jim? Anyway, this guy Mortimer Tadesco…he
was in the joint with us, Jim, remember Mortimer? Anyway, he says he saw
someone fit Ned’s description coming out of a trailer at 7073 Tiger
Hill Road.
Rockford:
(distracted) That’s it! This car chase is already way over budget.
(Rockford twists the wheel suddenly and the car skids into
a curb. Rockford and Angel get out of the Firebird and two women, dressed
like Nancy Drew -- in early 1940s regalia, approach them from the Ford
Roadster)
Rockford:
(Irritated) Can I help you?
George:
I’m the plump Bess Marvin and this is my cousin, the sporty George
Fayne. We’re chums of Nancy Drew. We accompany her in all her mysteries.
Rockford:
Don’t you have jobs?
Bess:
Jobs? We’re girls! We don’t need jobs. How droll.
George:
Anyway, we’re worried about her. She should have been back hours
ago. We found your telephone number in her clothes trunk.
Rockford:
Her clothes trunk?
George:
We know you’re helping her solve one of her many mysteries. We’ve
discussed the case with her from various angles.
Rockford:
What angles?
George:
Various angles.
Bess:
Isn’t Nancy brilliant? She’s the perfect companion.
George:
The most popular person in River Heights…except with the disreputable
types.
Rockford:
Where exactly is River Heights?
Bess:
And she’s generous to a fault. She solves so many baffling mysteries.
I’m just so glad she allows us come along.
George:
Is that your machine, Mr. Rockford?
Rockford:
My machine?
George:
Your automobile? You must have been disobeying the speed laws or you would
never have hit the curb so hard.
Angel:
(obviously freaked out) I gotta go, Jim. You understand? I got things
to do. Other things. I’ll catch you later. (he sprints towards a
nearby diner) Drop me a postcard. Let me know how it all turns out.
Scene 4: Accusations!
Dissolve to Interior of Rockford’s car. George is
in the front seat and Bess is in back. They are parked outside a trailer
park with a large gated entrance.
George:
I can’t believe there’s a gatekeeper!
Bess:
These must be affluent mobile homes.
Rockford:
We’ll need to get in to find number 7073 Tiger Hill. Good thing
I brought my portable printing press. I’ll try to get though the
gate with a fake business card. Hand me that box back there on the floor.
Bess:
(Bess quizzically inspect the innards of the box) Is this legal?
Cut to Rockford approaching an iron gate.
Rockford:
Hello, my name is Bret Maverick and I’m from Dockit Homes, the mobile
home manufacturing company. I’m a customer service investigator
and I need to evaluate some defective cinderblocks for a possible recall.
Can I just take a look and see whether any of these homesteads are in
need of replacements?
Gatekeeper Bill:
Are you mocking us here at the Windy Magnet?
Rockford:
No sir. I sell mobile homes. I love ‘em. Have a 50 ft. one myself.
Cut to Rockford approaching a dark trailer. The door is
locked but he can break it open without much trouble. The lights are off.
Then, without warning, a strange cold hand grabs his. He fumbles for the
lights. Once on, he sees that the trailer is in a shambles. Nancy sees
him and crumples in a faint slump.
Cut to seconds later. George and Bess have heard the noise
and have rushed to the trailer. Nancy is just coming to. A bloody-headed
body lies sprawled out across the kitchen, living room and master bedroom,
a bloody golf club is poking out of the bathroom nearby.
Bess:
Whose house is this?
Rockford:
It’s a trailer, baby.
Bess:
Whose trailer is this?
Rockford:
Ned’s.
Bess:
Where’s Ned.
Rockford:
Ned’s dead, baby. Ned’s dead.
(Rockford steps over Ned and picks up the golf club with
a handkerchief.)
Rockford:
(to Nancy) So, you found Ned.
Nancy Drew:
Yes. He sure made a nice mess.
Rockford:
(angry) You got about a minute and a half. I wanna know what’s goin’
on and I’m hot, Nancy, so get it straight.
Nancy Drew:
(frowning thoughtfully) I fail to comprehend how any of this has anything
to do with me.
Rockford:
You murdered Ned with a golf club! Your fingerprints are all over it.
Nancy Drew:
Well, it was a clue!
Rockford:
I’m surprised you didn’t run.
Nancy Drew:
Oh, I shouldn’t think of running away! I’ve done nothing to
be ashamed of!
Rockford:
You bashed your boyfriends brains in with a golf club, Nancy. It even
looks like you tried to stash it in the bathroom but it wouldn’t
fit. You sure better have a good story for the police.
Nancy Drew:
Well, I’m an excellent player.
George:
Oh yes, she’s a beautiful driver. Her balls must go at least 225
yards!
Bess:
Yes and straight down the fairway, too! I wish I could drive a golf ball
even half that distance.
Nancy Drew:
Yes. You see, George and Bess never do anything as well as I do.
Rockford:
Did you find the ring, Nancy?
Nancy Drew:
(sighs) No. I guess it will never turn up now. I may as well tidy up this
mess.
Bess:
We’ll pitch in, too!
Nancy Drew:
By the way, Mr. Rockford, your friend Angel is a braggart and I rather
distrust his claim that you were given a full pardon.
Rockford:
You’re a real piece of work, Nancy Drew. A real piece of work.
Scene 5: The Vanishing Evidence
Dissolve to Interior of. Police Station. Rockford, Nancy
Drew, George and Bess are standing in front of Sgt. Dennis Becker’s
Desk. The suspect has been detained for only two hours but the station
is filled with flowers, boxes of candy and other well wishes for Nancy.
Lieutenant Chapman walks in obviously annoyed with all the clutter.
Rockford:
Why’d you do it, Nancy?
Chapman:
Rockford, give me a break. You come in here, use the phones, eat the doughnuts.
I’m sure you’re a swell guy, but you’re always in here
on suspicion for some murder.
Rockford:
Chapman, you know full well, because I tell you in every episode, that
I received a full pardon. Now explain why you did it, Nancy.
Nancy Drew:
(shakes her head in mock confusion, turns to speak to Chapman) I dislike
his type.
Rockford:
Or you’ll explain it or I’m gonna plant you in that front
yard of yours in River Heights.
Becker:
Take it easy, Jimbo. Let me handle this. Listen Ms. –
Nancy Drew:
That’s Miss.
Becker:
Miss. Whatever. We got you on one count of aggravated homicide and two
counts of manipulating with intent to ensnare. I highly suggest you talk
to us.
Nancy Drew:
I dislike your type, too.
(Beth Davenport, Rockford’s lawyer, enters.)
Beth:
I’m Jim’s lawyer. What’s going on? He has a right to
have me present, you know. Why didn’t you call me, Jim? Are you
going with this Drew girl, Jim? How did you get messed up with her? She’s
all over you like a bad smell.
Rockford:
Take it easy, Beth. I’m just working on a case and we’re trying
to clear up some of the facts. (To Nancy) Listen, Nancy, I’m tired.
(haggard look). You wake me up in the middle of night. I’ve been
up since 3:30 and now this. Why me, Nancy? Why did you pick me?
Nancy Drew:
I found you in the phone book. But you can be sure I wouldn’t have
summoned you if it weren’t vitally important.
Rockford:
Is this some kind of a gag? Just book her Dennis.
Becker:
Well, you were at the crime scene, too, Jimbo.
Rockford:
She was there first! And with a body by the time I got there.
Becker:
It’s your word against hers and the girls.
Nancy Drew:
Gentlemen, my Dad, Carson Drew the criminal lawyer, trained me to be very
observant and I can tell you, you have flimsy proof.
Becker:
You’re the daughter of Carson Drew?
Nancy Drew:
Yes and I hardly think Dad would like it if I were to be arrested.
Becker:
(hypnotized) I have a feeling there’d be trouble if we arrested
her, Lieutenant. Without more evidence, it would be foolish to make an
accusation.
Rockford:
(shocked) No it wouldn’t.
Chapman:
(hypnotized, as well) Well, I agree with Becker, Rockford. And there’s
nothing you can do about it. (To Nancy) I guess we’ve made a big
mistake Miss. You’re free to go.
Rockford:
I can’t believe this.
Nancy Drew:
Gentlemen, I suggest you check out all the wiley strangers in the neighborhood.
Arrest them and my father will forward you all the proof you need.
Chapman:
That’s enough for us, Miss Drew. We’ll pick them up at once.
Rockford:
(To Nancy) Well, that’s choice! That’s really choice! I knew
you were a slug, Nancy Drew, but at least I thought you were doing it
on your own ticket. I had you pegged as a shrew. But you’re Daddy’s
little jet-setting detective. Daddy uses his evil Super-Power over the
cops and clears you in every case!
Nancy Drew:
(smiles sweetly) Well, that’s another mystery solved.
Mariette Hartley enters the station. Walks to Becker’s
desk and hands him a handful of Polaroid pictures of the crime scene.
Mariette:
Hi, Jim.
Rockford:
How do you know my name?
Mariette:
The Polaroids, Jim.
Rockford:
What?
Decker:
Polaroids, Jim! Don’t you ever watch TV?
Rockford:
Well excuse me, Dennis, but I’m a little confused. I’m here
in the middle of a murder investigation and you’re all talking about
Polaroid pictures. (haggard look)
Decker:
Listen Jimbo, we gotta let her go.
Rockford:
You know the thing that bothers me, Dennis, is that this guy Ned, whoever
he is, just didn’t get the message. I was driving around Malibu
this afternoon and he was in his trailer about to get smoked. I should
have figured it out sooner. I don’t understand how you can just
let her walk outa here? I don’t get it, Dennis.
Nancy Drew:
(gently reproving) Why not, Mr. Rockford? Everyone else does. (To Bess
and George) Well girls, should we leave to go to some farewell parties
in my honor?
George & Bess:
Of course, Nancy. You know there’s nothing we’d rather do!
Scene 5: A Happy Finale
Rockford, Beth Davenport and Rockford’s father, Rocky,
take a walk on the beach near Rockford’s trailer in Paradise Cove.
Rockford:
I can’t believe she got away with it!
Beth:
Just forget about it, Jim. Next week you’ll be involved in a far
more baffling mystery like "Dwarf in a Helium Hat" or "Requiem
for a Funny Box".
Rocky:
I hope not, Sonny. You oughta get outa this private eye business. I don’t
see why you have to get messed up in it. You ‘aint gotta solve anymore
mysteries. They’re dangerous.
Rockford:
You mean mysteries like "The Secret of the Old Clock", Dad?
Rocky:
Yeah. Like that. Don’t do that.
Rockford:
(sarcastically) Me do that? Outa the question.
Rocky:
Cause you could get yourself killed. I think you still got time to change
your mind and start drivin’ a truck like your old man.
Rockford:
(a trifle crossly) We’ve already talked about that, Dad.
Rocky:
There’s more money in it.
Rockford:
Shut up, Rocky.
Rocky:
I can’t believe it. You talk to your own dad like that.
Rockford:
Rocky, I’m going home. How ‘bout some dinner, Beth. Just you
and me at the Taco Stand?
Beth:
No thanks, Jim. I’m going shopping with Bess and George.
Rockford:
You’re kidding. For what?
Beth:
You know, they didn’t say.
Rockford:
Do you have a clue?
Beth:
You ask too many questions, Jim.
Rockford:
I know, I know. You’re just a girl. (haggard look)
Fade Out
The End
Nancy Drew is a Registered Trademark and is in no way associated
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Rockford Files. This parody is only intended to make you laugh at
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