Navel Gazing at the 2001 MTV Video Music Awards
Note: We wrote this on September 6, 2001. The world changed for all of us on September 11, 2001. We knew this was a shallow and vapid commentary on a shallow and vapid event when we wrote it, but it seems obscenely shallow and vapid today. Still, we apes decided to post it with the hope that it will amuse a few of our fellow apes and provide a diversion, for a few minutes anyway.
A chat room transcriptStarring:
Coolia = Julie Wiskirchen
Nerdia = Mary Ladd
Jamonit= Traveling Jam
Chrissy= Christine Horace
<coolia> jamie foxx's opening is like a ripoff of billy crystals oscar medleys. the backdrop looks like a giant connect four board. Foxx's monologue was okay..chili pepper sock joke was good. nick carter is starting to look like simon le bon.
<Jamonit> I like the one wearing the dress.
<chrissy> backstreet boys know nothing about hip hop
<Jamonit> Oukast must win!!!!!!
<coolia> yeah boy
<Jamonit> I knew it...awww yeah
<coolia> why are they cheering for will ferrell? who cares?
<Jamonit> hey...will ferrell is cool!
<chrissy> his jeans were pretty good
<coolia> pleated and acid washed. this belly button commercial skeeves me out
<Jamonit> the singing b.bs??? yes, makes me sick to my stomach.
<coolia> on the pre show, britney and mick jagger chatted together. i think that is one of the signs of the end of the world. also alien ant farm played "smooth criminal"
<Nerdia> J Lo and Puff have to deal with each other tonight
<chrissy> what's it like for her to perform in front of p diddy this song about love not costing a thing? apparently p diddy couldn't afford the cost of her love. And how can she dance in those heels?
<Nerdia> I guess they figure our short attention spans can't handle long songs and comedy routines.
<Jamonit> no shit...what's with the medleys?
<coolia> isn't this cher's stage set from the bon jovi years tour?
<Nerdia> hey...that does look familiar...where's the two story comb?
<Jamonit> i like this song guys... i admit it.
<coolia> ok, we'll still be your friend. J-Lo looked better in Selena with some meat on her bones
<Jamonit> thanks guys. and my sister wants to know what the deal is about J-lo's ass. it's not that big--not that bootielicious.
<coolia> it used to be big (c.f. Selena) and people seem to be frozen in time
<Nerdia> het tits and ass are MIA
<Jamonit> her only talent is her formerly large bootie!!
<Nerdia> ooohhh dc!
<Jamonit> hey, these gals have yet to put out a song that i DON'T like.
<coolia> i dont think i'm ready for this. Destiny's Child is just too bootylicious
<Jamonit> ugh...they never wear any clothes.
<Nerdia> I am bored by the bellybuttonage.
<Jamonit> Fat boy will win.
<Nerdia> christopher walken is so kewl
<coolia> fat boy deserves to win
<Jamonit> or REM
<Jamonit> good on ya fat boy. that's an excellent vid.
<chrissy> The....Sea-gull...must be....over
<Nerdia> they love him too. he has a voice like Cartman
<Jamonit> hey...spike jonze is pretty geeky lookin' eh?
<Jamonit> have you noticed that Christina No ButtUlaria is so not attractive?? esp. when she's done up like a whore.
<coolia> the whore look is in for fall
<coolia> would you rather have sex with carrottop or gene simmons?
<Jamonit> carrottop for sure. i like his hair. what about you??
<coolia> gene of course
<Jamonit> who will win: fat boy or janet?
<Nerdia> janet jackson videos: janet thinks she's so pretty.
<coolia> that was a good video..the n'sync one...dirty pop.
<Jamonit> n'sync was good yes, but fat boy was better.
<Nerdia> is dale earnhardt jr on because his dad died a violent death?
<coolia> they needed a hoosier to introduce the metal act
<Jamonit> i wanna know how one gets invited into that little mosh pit.
<chrissy> they modeled the stage on the u2 concert stage, with the mosh pit inside the heart
<coolia> i'm drinking cider so i can be funnier
<Jamonit> coolia...it's not healthy to drink to be funny.
<coolia> i don't need no chat room intervention
<Nerdia> yeah...you can be funny without the crutch of hooch.
<Jamonit> well, maybe you need some tuff luv
<Nerdia> would you rather....be forced to listen to deceased hip hop star tributes every hour on the hour or be forced to write award show material for teen idols for a living?
<Jamonit> hip hop every hour.
<coolia> chrissy and i pick the writing
<Nerdia> Commercial is giving props to Barry.
<coolia> that commercial made me LOL...or was it the booze?
<Jamonit> i'm already bored by the awards.
<Nerdia> me too. everyone is the same these days. no variety. everyone is too cool for school.
<Nerdia> who's representin' nerds like me?
<Jamonit> fuckin' spike jonze
<Nerdia> who, goddammit!
<Jamonit> spike jonze!!
<coolia> chris walken
<Jamonit> true. hey...name other nerds. sean lennon's kind of a geek.
<coolia> lance bass of n'sync
<Jamonit> lead singer of Pavement...Steve Malkmus
<coolia> weezer. jack osbourne. john waite
<Jamonit> JOHN TAYLOR
<Nerdia> here's my question: why have a billion vjs come and gone but dry-as-dust Kurt Loder has persevered?
<chrissy> J-Lo's trying to look like sophia loren in the 1970s
<Nerdia> Chris Kattan! He's funny. but this is stupid
<coolia> Julia Stiles is not as good as he is
<Jamonit> Chris Kattan...a nerd but so farkin' great.
<coolia> i cant wait to see that corky romano movie although i know it will be stupid
<Nerdia> I am proud to be a nerd tonight
<coolia> i haven't seen so many fedoras since the duran duran seven and the ragged tiger tour
<Jamonit> alicia keys. She sings that "i can't stop falling in love with you" song. it's actually pretty good. but i'm sorry - the Xanadu guitars have got to go.
<Nerdia> I love this song. they play it everyday at the gym...it's good to do the ass blaster too.
<Jamonit> like the interpretive dancers btw? cheeze.
<chrissy> why do you guys like this song? I dont.
<Nerdia> it's full of pain and r&b groovin...it's street corner under a street lamp. baying at the moon and all that
<Jamonit> she has a damn nice voice.
<Nerdia> it's real. can't shake you loose stuff. like maple syrup
<chrissy> I dont like that r&b groovin..so that would explain it
<Jamonit> this is better than your standard Mariah r/b groove tho'. she sings with feeling...even if you don't have someone you feel like there's some dude out there that you can't stop luvvin
<Nerdia> my man done me wrong in the I've never loved a man the way that I loved you vein
<Nerdia> Mariah has no soul
<Nerdia> dammit! more bellybuttons!
<coolia> i'd like to call a moratorium on navel exposure
<coolia> i like that video cuz lenny kravitz is not wearing any clothes..it should win
<Jamonit> Robbie Williams must win.
<coolia> this video of robbie makes me sick to my stomach..like the talking navel ad.
<Jamonit> Moby is definitely a nerd. but he shouldn'ta won
<coolia> i dress like Moby when i go to the grocery store
<Jamonit> well you must be a nerd then
<Nerdia> like gwen is a looker.
<Jamonit> what happened to her damned band?
<Jamonit> will smith take me now
<coolia> marky mark! so dreamy. can't wait to see Rockstar
<coolia> will is a nerd. remember his mom used to dress him in brady bunch bell bottom trousers.
<chrissy> I will jump off a bridge if dido wins
<coolia> janet's dancing is so "control"
<chrissy> we need a new category--best video featuring gwen stefani
<Nerdia> gwen has the midas touch, eh?
<coolia> she also has a navel
<Nerdia> what's with the joan crawford 'do?
<Jamonit> I HATE GWEN
<coolia> it looks like a raccoon has been on Eve's boobies
<Nerdia> was that tim robbins?
<coolia> this is not an appropriate show for tim and susan to bring the kids to
<Jamonit> Tim's a cool pops.
<Jamonit> back to the belly button commercial.
<coolia> macy has no eyes either
<Nerdia> babylon is a good travelin song
<Nerdia> nelly looked kinda...dumb. macy looked kinda...dumb and drunk. I didn't appreciate the dress. hope that wont start a new trend.
<coolia> did nelly cut himself shaving?
<coolia> is that alicia keys or cher?
<Nerdia> she does have a cher thing going. her face even looks like cher
<coolia> ugh...n'sync and a secretarial stereotype
<coolia> its so colorful
<Jamonit> dirty pop i luve that
<chrissy> what do people like U2 think of this?
<Jamonit> this is it!!!!
<coolia> ohmygod! Michael Jackson!
< chrissy> what's whiter? michael or his t shirt? or mary's legs?
<Nerdia> the recovery channel!
<Jamonit> oh shit - what has he done to his face!!!
<coolia> he's a superfreak. he's superfreaky.
<Nerdia> I missed MJ
<Jamonit> you didn't miss much.
<Nerdia> but I wanted to see his latest face
<Jamonit> my sister sez he looks ill...like he was about to pass out
<coolia> he seemed winded at the end
<Nerdia> it's dehydration I bet
<Jamonit> or recovering from his latest surgery
<coolia> i cant believe you missed that...that will be the only thing worth watching tonight.
<Nerdia> all hail the belly button!
<Jamonit> pardon me as I vomit
<coolia> is someone keeping track of all the exposed navels?
<Jamonit> gwen..she links everyone together
<Nerdia> lotta love for gwen in da house
<coolia> craig david all over your ( )
<Jamonit> i luv craig
<Jamonit> mudvayne truly suck
<coolia> they induced a migraine in me at ozzfest. did you see them in the crowd with painted on bullet holes on their foreheads? they were soliciting votes at ozzfest, guess that worked.
<Jamonit> filled with rage
<chrissy> that's tasteless honestly
<coolia> the edge was all "what the hell?"
<Jamonit> o.k. i appreciate what they are trying to say. but the music still sux
<Nerdia> it's all about the fans. my ass.
<Jamonit> bono--not impressed
<Jamonit> but now you get JayZee...big pimpayn
<coolia> lots of peeps out there in front of the Met
<Jamonit> must be a wreck out there. is the subway even open?
<coolia> dunno, i'm chillin' in queens
<coolia> there are a lot of empty seats in the Met.
<Nerdia> peeps are bored there too. lots of unfunniness happening
<coolia> its so hard to keep an award show interesting
<Jamonit> Yes it's hard, but hell, MTV is always acting like they have the corner on interesting awards show. they really don't...it's all scripted just like the other award shows.
<Nerdia> remember the first MTV awards show with Bette Midler and Dan Akroyd?
<Nerdia> youse guys are too young.
<Jamonit> i remember seeing Hungry Like the Wolf on MTV...does that make me old enuf?
<Nerdia> I was thinking about Bette Midler hosting the first MTV awards show with a record on her head
<coolia> i can't help it that i lived in an unincorporated area without cable. i had to settle for friday night videos.
<Jamonit> would Bette host it again with a c.d. on her head instead?
[Thu Sep 06 22:00:55 EDT 2001] G-So
<coolia> gell! what up
<G-So> yeah, G-so in the house
<coolia> welcome to our party. please expose your navel.
<G-So> it's covered by layers of flab
<Jamonit> does your navel talk? becuz if it doesn't you should leave.
<coolia> that u2 elevation video borrows a lot from the seminal duran duran video "a view to a kill"
<G-So> look at jc! cuuuuuute
<coolia> joey! i love you
<G-So> they're very bad at singing too
<coolia> justin figured out how to handle his naturally curly hair
<coolia> usher representin' for alliyah. DC wins! yeah..chrissy and i are waving our hands in the air. i'm not gonna give up. i'm not gonna stop.
<Jamonit> ugh. now what are they wearing? where are their belly buttons??
<Jamonit> my mom used to wear mumus. my g-ma too
<G-So> ok, so what have i missed? did i miss the so-called virgin?
<coolia> you missed MICHAEL JACKSON performing with n'sync. he moonwalked, locked and popped, nearly keeled over. duh duh duh durty pop
<Jamonit> but he didn't feign fucking the floor like n'sync does.
<G-So> do you guys think Mark Walberg's hot?
<coolia> yes, definitely, especially when dressed like a burn out
<Jamonit> YES! but his face looks chubba lubba
<G-So> i like his bod, his face looks fat
<coolia> staind: dull and missing an "e"
<Jamonit> I know...and have you noticed all of their songs are ballad type songs? are they hardcore or not?
<coolia> they are doing the 80s metal thing..trying to get popular via the power ballad, but this is not so powerful, its no "ballad of jayne" or "home sweet home"
<Jamonit> I M Bord
<coolia> britney just blew him. that's why he's smiling, not because ben stiller is funny
<Jamonit> noticed that eminem is NOT winning shit?
<coolia> that eminem song fills me with melancholy
<Jamonit> becuz it sux.
<coolia> eminem's 15 mins are up
<coolia> nelly! represent! stl!
<coolia> say it loud. i'm from the lou and i'm proud. i feel like i should spend 75 cents on nelly to represent
<Jamonit> kulz, you've had one cider too many.
<Jamonit> oh my...the dog puppet saying J-Lo can I stiff your butt. that's the best line so far.
<coolia> chrissy left. she couldn't take anymore.
<Nerdia> sheryl crow. more st louis representin'
<coolia> no, sheryl represent the bootheel. is that sonny bono's vest?
<G-So> those are some seriously oiled boobies
<Nerdia> they read cue cards poorly
<Jamonit> hey, I think the title of this entry to Apecultcha should be "How much does MTV suck"
<coolia> does that count as navel baring? they were sorta covered
<Jamonit> yeah, but she made up for it in breast exposure
<Nerdia> was she exposing something? I missed it.
<Jamonit> Not really, but she didn't leave much to the imagination.
<Nerdia> Imaginations don't sell records.
<Jamonit> For sure. "Imaginations don't sell records, but sucking and navels do"
<Jamonit> oh look more n'sync. vomit
<coolia> navel alert
<Nerdia> When bad navels happen to bad shows
<G-So> what's that navel's name?
<Jamonit> When bad navels happen to bad shows that suck.
<coolia> i dont know. she's just a navel.
<Jamonit> not sure...she's too skinny. her navel is bigger than her head.
<coolia> all in all, its just another navel on the show.
<Nerdia> nelly furtado is a talentless twig
<Jamonit> She's so CANADIAN - does anyone else think this?
<coolia> there's only room for one nelly in the music world. and that nelly represents STL. what is she all aboot?
<coolia> missy be puttin' it down
<Jamonit> I don't care what y'all say, missy elliot is damn cool. even if they can't unharness her.
<Nerdia> "we are experiencing technical difficulties"
<Jamonit> how cool is that big ass head in the background?
<coolia> get off the stage, fake nelly
<Nerdia> nelly's ready for tennis.
<coolia> and so is her navel
<coolia> where's missy's navel? didn't she get the memo?
<Nerdia> missy's outfit looks like a bad case of Athelete's Foot
<Nerdia> MJ Video Vanguard Award...gag me. that's so 80s
<coolia> video vanguard..that's so very "sledgehammer"
<Nerdia> exactly what demographic is carrottop selling to?
<coolia> carrottop is selling to the demographic that finds red haired men attractive...which is jamila and nobody else. when jamila thinks about carrottop, she touches herself.
<Jamonit> have I mentioned that this show SUCKS big donkey kong balls?
<coolia> you sound like 2 live crew. Have some respect for Britney's virgin ears.
<coolia> we have u2 coming up...there's some hope. i don't know what happened to ozzy...all week they promised him...and now he's nowhere to be seen
<coolia> this is a bipolar pair for me--love jon bon jovi; wish jewel would be tied to a pole in a desert, smeared with honey, and devoured by fireants
<Jamonit> they match. how cute
<G-So> who knew such a hottie was under all that gross 80s hair?
<Jamonit> wonder if she got her teeth fixed?
<coolia> he's waxing his chest these days
<coolia> seeing bon jovi at giants stadium this summer..definitely in my top ten concerts of all time
<Jamonit> hey, have y'all noticed that most of the vids are from the last six mos?
<coolia> that's a deserving winner-"Lady Marmalade." here comes a parade of saloon girls/whores.
<Jamonit> christina nobuttularia is sooo stoopit
<coolia> i spy 3 navels. no, 4
<Nerdia> patti's version did NOT need to be remade. that pisses me off...peeps remaking patti's shit all the time and getting props for it
<coolia> i'd rather be playing connect four
<Jamonit> yeah, but at least maya had the presence of mind to remember that shit while CA was too busy being an f'in diva.
<coolia> larry mullen has a portrait hanging in his attic, like dorian gray
<Nerdia> I think larry is looking old actually. he has lost his baby fat and looks sorta ragged
<Jamonit> U2 montage good
<coolia> bono with mullet
<Nerdia> one of these acts is not like the other
<Jamonit> oh no!! Technical difficulties on U fucking 2???????????
<Nerdia> did somebody come out naked or something?
<coolia> they better come back!
<Nerdia> more crappiness. the kids today are learning that award shows are all about f'ing up
<Jamonit> my gawd. don't they rehearse this like a hundred times????
<coolia> because of this we're going to have to see carrottop again. i hate these Steve Madden commercials too...big heads and tiny bodies...like flowers in the attic
<Jamonit> with oversized navels. i was addicted to those books btw
<Nerdia> navels the size of black holes
<Nerdia> I loved them too...and the Thomas Covenant ones...the guy with leprosy who saves everybody
<coolia> remember the twins? they had large heads and tiny bodies due to lack of sunlight. so sad.
<Nerdia> that book made me depressed
<Jamonit> YES! i was so depressed, but i couldn't stop reading them!
<coolia> i bought them at a garage sale. they were rubber banded together and a note on top said "these are really good"
<Jamonit> what would happen if you read them now? regression? depression?
<coolia> misty water colored memories
<Nerdia> here we go again
<coolia> bono must be pissed off
<Nerdia> uh....they're in a box
<coolia> they're "elevated." get it? this album is great
<Jamonit> but hey, sound still seems somewhat screwy eh?
<Nerdia> Strobe lights... I think I'm gonna have a seizure
<coolia> pregnant women, get off this ride!
<coolia> adam clayton is a nerd. Look, a medley!
<Jamonit> did you seize nerd?
<Jamonit> U2 rock.
<Jamonit> did you know kids in Japan seized when a pokemon cartoon had lots of flashing lights?
<coolia> i got stuck in a secretarial job and i can't get out of it
<Jamonit> dorky crowd shots
<coolia> winnie the pooh got stuck in this doorway and he couldn't get out of it
<coolia> gell and i saw u2 together at soldier field....misty water colored memories. that was the big lemon era
<Jamonit> are all of your memories misty?
<coolia> no. some are moist
<Jamonit> moist. say that word ten times fast. it becomes vulgar
<Jamonit> so fabulous. bono looks good, eh?
<G-So> he's a rock star
<coolia> edge is sporting hoosier-chic
<G-So> is dodgy good?
<coolia> dodgy is bad. dodgy = wack, off-kilter, not ideal
<Jamonit> dodgy also = sketchy
<Jamonit> they've lost their irish accent and they can't get it back!
<coolia> trivia: joey ramone died while listening to a u2 song
<Jamonit> my brother-in-law wants to know why the hell the mikes are so short. makes all look dorky.
<coolia> must be for the lil' girlies
<coolia> rammstein brought the ramones out on stage when i saw them..they're getting a lot of props lately
<coolia> watch out...snoop might turn into a doberman
<Jamonit> i'd like snoop if he weren't a thug
<coolia> you like his doggy style
<coolia> i have to go with the bizkit on this one...good song, good vid
<Jamonit> Fred Durst sings like a pubescent 12 year old. A former Mormon choir singer
<Jamonit> say something meaningful FREDDAY
<coolia> i've never heard him actually sing
<Jamonit> soooooo great...wes borland doing iron maiden!!
<coolia> butthead: "that was cool"
<coolia> beavis: "yeah, that didn't suck"
<coolia> the fan presenter is almost baring her navel, but not quite
<Jamonit> o.k. notice the "fans" are good looking. MTV does nothing for us...they want us all cloned
<coolia> n'sync wins again. britney's gonna get lucky tonight
<G-So> but with which one?
<coolia> n'sync gang bang
<coolia> the fans looked like they'd been drugged and brainwashed
<Jamonit> yes. surprisingly comfortable on stage tho
<coolia> the fans make our life...he picked up that rhetoric from gene simmons
<Nerdia> it keeps going on and on and on
<Jamonit> hey - BSB or nsync...which is better looking? i say BSB
<coolia> i say BSB. actually, i say D2
<Jamonit> SIMOON LE BOON
<coolia> shake your bon bon, simon
<Jamonit> bsb are old, but n'sync are just ...ick.
<coolia> nobody in nsync is very good looking. none of them would merit a second glance on the street.
<Nerdia> BSB are too cute, not sexy
<Nerdia> mariah's movie doesn't look good
<Jamonit> no. looks like a movie just to sell mariah records.
<coolia> i'm tired..please let the show be over
<Jamonit> i want to goooooooooo
<G-So> you guys have watched this for 3 hours?
<coolia> we have to finish. It's a compulsion. Everything I do, I do for ape culture.
<Nerdia> that was 2:50 too long
<coolia> i even watched some pre-show
<Jamonit> Outkast introducing Britany. Hmmm...
<coolia> it's the virgin
<G-So> rip off from madonna's express yourself video
<coolia> which was a ripoff of "metropolis"
<Nerdia> animal abuse
<coolia> ride him, britney
<coolia> i spy navel jewelry
<Nerdia> that head mic is so last year
<coolia> its so "control"
<Jamonit> five year olds look up to this ho
<Nerdia> her moves are so old
<coolia> is this "wild boys?" Will justin be strapped to a windmill and dipped in water?
<Jamonit> britney wishes she could belly dance
<coolia> please welcome britney spears and the cast of broadway's "the lion king"
<Nerdia> may i be excused
<Jamonit> i hope the snake bites her.
<coolia> we're in this together. its like Survivor. the last one in the chat room gets a million
<G-So> why does she even pretend to sing?
<Nerdia> I vote to get voted off. can I vote myself off?
<coolia> no! the tribe has not spoken
<Nerdia> I am the weakest link. Good bye
<coolia> actually its more like big brother...that trapped feeling
<Nerdia> Actually its like Fear Factor and I'm being made to eat bulls balls or worms
<Jamonit> o.k. the chorus "i'm a slaaave" and the africa imagery. there will be some angry people out there.
<Nerdia> Jamie Fox: big disappointment tonight
<Jamonit> so true...not as funny as the commercials
<Nerdia> he was great in that football movie...what went wrong?
<coolia> most disturbing couple: kid rock and pam anderson. they were together on the pre-show talking about having sex
<Nerdia> did pam learn nothing from tommy lee?
<Jamonit> o.k now we know where kid rock has been...in his trailer drinking beer. nice belly
<coolia> kid rock is like the guys i went to grade school with who carved "lynard skynard" in the desks
<coolia> where's kid rock's navel?
<Nerdia> kid rock is about as sexy as a dumpster
<coolia> this must be the last award...they've brought out a dinosaur--mick jagger: hopelessly out of touch stylewise. looks like my boss on casual friday.
<Jamonit> as sexy as an old banana
<Nerdia> as sexy as a sweaty shoe in a vat of sludge
<coolia> missy hasnt won nuthing tonight
<coolia> gotta be fatboy
<Nerdia> mick can't even pronounce their names...how unfortunate
<Jamonit> i am so disappointed I could puke. can i go now?
<coolia> its ovah!
<Jamonit> thank buddah
<coolia> we made it
<Nerdia> free at last...thank god almighty
<coolia> *group hug*
All photos borrowed from
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