Ape Culture is proud to present
Joe Durrant's Celebrity Love Poems
Joe Durrant, having
been at various times in his life a star grocery cashier, a slighty above
average floor hockey goalie, and a costumed Pez dispenser, is now proud
to be Ape Culture's Celebrity Love Poet. Studied in classical poetry and
many, many years of television, Joe has accumulated several celebrity
obsessions over the years. Herewith is a collection of some of his tributes
to the stars who will live with him forever.
Who Do You Love?
Scott Baio, whose television credits
include Babysitter, Doctor, and Arsonist Cousin of the Fonz.
Jack Tripper, who stumbled and charmed
his way into America's heart, giving hope to desperate bachelors everywhere.
Tootie, whose world never seemed
to be living up to her dreams.
Linda Lavin, who turned "Alice"
into a wonderland and easily submitted the best portrayal of suburban/truck
stop/redneck Arizona in television history.
Dana Scully, who blinded me with
science in "The X-Files."
Sherman Hemsley, whose "Shaft"-inspired
turn as George Jefferson definitively moved him on up to the East Side.
Lynda Carter, who, in her
satin tights, fighting for her rights, boldly paved the road for Xena,
Warrior Princess.
The BALLAD OF
SCOTT BAIO
On the Occasion of His 40th Birthday, September 22, 2001
He came to us first as our little Chachi,
As Italian as pasta, Sinatra, and bocce.
The cousin of Fonz, he was inherently cool
He was snotty, indeed, but was nobody's fool,
Oh he was snotty, indeed, but was nobody's fool.
A boy from the streets, he was true and not phony,
But he melted like cheese in the presence of Joanie
His love for that girl was pure and yet carnal,
Perhaps he expressed it by burning down Arnold's.
But these two did wed, and their marriage was grand,
Until cancellation came with a swift hand,
Oh, until cancellation came with a swift hand.
Like a bird in the sky on a bright sunny day-o,
Such is the wonder of Scott Vincent Baio.
Then our hero decided to star in a movie;
In the style of "Porky's," it was bound to be groovy.
The film was called "Zapped!" and it was judged to be lame,
But it introduced Scott to the great Willie Aames.
Yes, it introduced Scott to the great Willie Aames.
So back to the small screen, though his presence was large,
Sir Baio returned as "Charles in Charge."
With Willie along as his stupid friend, Buddy,
He watched over kids to pay for his studies.
Oh yes the Pembrokes were fine, but were just treading water
Because of the kid who looked like Harry Potter,
Oh, because of the kid who looked like Harry Potter.
Then the Powells moved in, and Charles declined
To take care of those kids, but he soon changed his mind,
Yes he did live downstairs and it was understood
That he was the new boy in the neighborhood.
Oh, he was the new boy in the neighborhood.
Like a ham on rye sandwhich, and please hold the mayo,
Such is the wonder of Scott Vincent Baio,
Such is the wonder of Scott Vincent Baio.
Oh he wasn't a doctor, but he played one on TV,
As part of an ensemble weekly mystery.
The Diagnosis was Murder, and the doctor was liked,
And he held his own against Dick Van Dyke,
Yes, he held his own against Dick Van Dyke.
Oh now let it be known, far and wide as it can,
Our Chachi Arcola is a lady's man.
He dated Pam Anderson, he was Brooke Shields' guy,
And, too, Heather Locklear, but no one knows why.
His masculine charms underwent an expansion:
From Tiger Beat pin-up to the Playboy Mansion,
Oh yes, from Tiger Beat pin-up to the Playboy Mansion.
Like the stars in the sky seen by Galileo,
Such is the wonder of Scott Vincent Baio,
Long live the wonder of Scott Vincent Baio.
Jack Tripper: A Tribute
I. Prologue: You Don't Know Jack
You see the klutz, you see the fool,
The awkward graduate of cooking school,
But look beneath the clumsy cover,
And quite a swingin' cat you will discover.
II. He Came and Knocked on Their Door
They found him passed out in the bath,
It wasn't hard to do the math:
He partied hard, he got too drunk,
His clothes were wrinkled and he stunk.
But Krissy and her roommate Janet
Had hearts of gold and not of granite,
They took him in, their cares were true:
A roommate short with rent soon due.
His name was Jack, he was not blessed
With coordination skills that were the best:
Instead, this Tripper's name was earned
With falls and bumps and carpet burns.
III. He Took a Step That Was New
But through the bruises Jack survived,
And hit on every single girl alive
Along with his good buddy Larry,
A used car salesman who was hairy.
The Regal Beagle, their home base,
Was a wild, happenin' place.
They'd chat it up with their bartender
And wait for ladies to surrender.
Jack's charm was like a storm, so strong and windy,
Too much for Krissy and for Cindy,
But Janet hung tough, through better and worse,
And so did Terri, macho nurse.
IV. Epilogue: A Jack of All Trades
He took his hits, from girls and walls,
And yet that Jack stood proud and tall:
He had a pure and decent soul,
And made a mean tuna casserole.
He'll always be a guy who rocks,
The classic sitcom paradox:
He was the pride of all things manly,
And was gay pride to Ralph and Stanley.
ON TOOTIE
Tootie.
You were true,
Funny girl with braces.
You taught me the facts of life
And made boarding school seem fun.
Mrs. Garrett never gave you your props, but
You took the good, you took the bad.
Wasn't Blair a stuck up bitch?
Jo had the hots for you.
You go girl!
Tootie.
Go Ask Alice: To my homegirl Linda
Lavin, in the key of "Alice"
I. Six Stanzas for Alice Hyatt
Hollywood called you, Alice,
But fate called out louder,
You wouldn't be singing,
But serving clam chowder.
You came into Phoenix,
Rose from the ashes,
Your New Jersey wit
Provided comedic clashes
Yes, Vera was dumb,
And Flo was sarcastic,
But you were a vision,
Short, smart, just plain fantastic
And Mel, what a jerk,
He let everyone know it,
My heart wept for you
Each time he said "Stow it!"
Your reason and calm
Could not have been finer,
A touch of East Coast class
In surly Mel's Diner
You may have moved on,
Now a world famous singer,
But your fame as a waitress
To this day still lingers.
II. Haiku: Revolving door
The door, revolving,
First Flo, then Belle, then Jolene,
Yet Alice remained.
III. A dialogue with the theme song of "Alice"
in a final, desperate attempt to put my feelings into words
Early to rise, early to bed,
(And in between, you, dear Alice, crept into my head)
Going through life with blinders on, it's tough to see
(Thank goodness I have you and Flo and Vera to comfort me!)
There's a new girl in town, and she's feeling good!
(Although Mel doesn't smile just as much as he should)
There's a new girl in town, with a brand new smile
(I was just flipping through, but I think I'll be watching TBS for a while…)
Sonnet for Dana Scully of TV's X-Files
The truth is out there, Agent Scully, yes,
But greater truth is in these simple lines:
Your courage and your coolness do impress,
your science, like the sip of vintage wine.
O, Mulder is a twit who mocks this heart of mine!
So close to you and yet so far away,
He spends his days pursuing saucers flying-
Does he not see the beauty of your way?
Forget him, Dana, and begin a brand new day!
You don't need aliens in your golden sky;
You're worth beyond your lousy federal pay,
Forensic Mistress of the FBI!
Oh red haired vision, hip, and friend of reason,
You bring sanity to a TV season.
An Ode to Sherman Hemsley
I. "Jeffersons" Declare Independence
Fish don't fry in the kitchen,
Beans don't burn on the grill,
The day we met George Jefferson
Is the day the earth stood still.
He made us all believe and hope,
His motives pure and never sleazy,
My heart still skips whenever he
Summons his true soulmate, "Weezy!"
Tough love, his creed, would guide his soul
Through times of chaos and rough torrents,
I guess that's why he'd take it out
On his poor, sarcastic housemaid Florence
II. "Amen" to That
Not content with penthouse views,
He spread his wings and took to the sky
And ,"Amen," he showed up again,
As wacky Deacon Ernest Frye
A father figure, through and through,
His love for Thelma always proven,
He hassled her suitors till they ran
But met his match in Reverend Reuben.
Oh, preach it to the masses, Deacon Frye!
The world is but your congregation!
Make us laugh and cry and love and think,
Your comic talent, our salvation!
III. Don't Call It a Comeback
Alas, the sitcom star had run his course,
And yet Determined Sherman did not fade,
He's with us still in TV world
Continuing his love parade.
Content to guest on others' shows,
He is an icon of humility,
And through commercials he again
Shows wisdom, grace and comedy.
I'll drink his Lipton Brisk Ice Tea,
I'll call long distance, even better,
Oh Sherman, live forever in our hearts,
And warm us with Old Navy sweaters.
Lynda Carter, Thou Lassoeth My Soul
When I hear that music, so cheesy and fine,
I know that your Wonder is not far away,
For it's open season on evil and crime
Now that Lynda's in town and saving the day.
Your wristbands deflect, yet your goodness absorbs,
Your punches inspire, along with your kicks;
If I was in charge of that magazine Forbes,
I'd be hard pressed to find a soul quite as rich.
O, lasso me Lynda, and I'll tell no lies,
You move me to tears when you fight for peace;
Aboard your invisible jet do I fly
When you do the work of twenty police.
And damn those commercials that come in between!
How dare they commit such awful attacks!
I mourn their pathetic attempts to be seen...
Unless it's fair Lynda and 1-800-CONTACTS.
