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A Pathetic Haiku Tribute to Simon Cowell

By Nova Gutierrez, Christine Horace, and Julie Wiskirchen

Yeah, yeah, there was Dasher and Prancer and Justin and Ejay...Comet and Cupid and Ajay and Nikki...but do you recall...the sexiest idol of them all?

Simon's cattiness,
tight T-shirts make some suspect
he's queer. I hope not!

Black and white T-shirts
We have the same uniform
tops in our closets.

Sexy British guys
with such nasty attitudes
can sleep in my bed

On a first date with
Simon? Don't dare sing along
with the radio

Known for bad yellow
teeth, Cowell beats stereo-
type of Brits. Dazzling!

Simon's right eyebrow
Arches ever so slightly.
My heart skips a beat

Sending tingles up
my spine, the way Simon says, "Congratulations."

Cowell says what we
all think but fear to say. Tears
fall, pipe dreams explode.

Wondering what is
under that tight T-shirt. 'Net
search is revealing.

Paula says that young
Simon didn't get enough
love. I'll compensate.

Simon's white teeth make
Crest Whitestrips advert likely
for next Idols show

Don't ask Si if your
dress makes you look fat if you
can't handle the truth

Simon, I'll shag you.
Just don't call my performance
in bed "appalling."

If Simon reads these
'kus, he'll say, "You have no future
in the haiku biz."

Some appalling links:

The American Idol Audition Simulator - Take the "How Would Simon Cowell Judge You?" quiz and find out if you're the total package or a total loser

The official FOX American Idol site

Ape Culture's Dreadful American Idol Haiku

A Yahoo! group for Simon Cowell

Simply Simon - a fansite

Ape Culture Haiku Collection - haikus about heavy metal, a-ha, teen crushes, Cher, U2 and more

Got a Simon 'ku in your heart? Please share...we promise not to judge you.


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