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Dreadful Haikus for American Idol

By Nova Gutierrez, Christine Horace, and Julie Wiskirchen

Like much of America, we found ourselves sucked into yet another reality show, American Idol, Season 1, which consumed two nights of our week and far too much of our daily conversations during the Summer of 2002.

We chose to use the dramatic pauses and bad comedy sketch portions of the shows to do something useful--write haiku!

Justin condescends,
calls Bacharach "cool senior."
He's San Jose bound.

'Fro, longing gazes
I'd like to smack the look off
his pretty boy face.


Nikki clings to stage,
resorts to bringing out cute
kid, earns one more week.

Always something there
to remind me her singing
sucks. Wink, wink, head bob.

Dunkelman, Seacrest:
these names fill up haiku space
and gaps in the show

The last two on earth
Would you rather Dunkelman,
Seacrest? I'll abstain.

Tamyra voted off?!?
She's pretty and talented.
Lacking X factor?

I cannot complain
Tamyra was voted off.
I never called in.

Girl-next-door Kelly
sings amazingly, but can
she beat Justin's hair?

RJ forgets words,
stares like deer caught in headlights,
but he's cute and sweet!

Justin provides lame
apology for smart mouth.
Two words: pa thetic.

Justin, just come out
as Latino and duet
with Enrique, 'kay?

Perhaps obsessive
compulsive disorder makes
Randy repeat names?

Randy, what's up, man?
Threatening to fight Simon?
You son of a bitch.

"You made the song your
own. Touchdown!" Laker
girl needs new routine.

America gets
it right. Kelly triumphs o'er
Justin. Voice beats hair.


Does this haiku page feel as empty as that one episode of American Idol where Simon wasn't there because he had some party to go to in London? Never fear -- we love Simon so much, we had to give him his own page!!

Click here for our Pathetic Haiku Tribute to Simon Cowell

Add your own American Idol haikus here.  

Some appalling links:

The official FOX website for American Idol

A Kelly Clarkson fansite

A Justin Guarini fansite

A Tamyra Gray fansite

An RJ Helton fansite


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