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When Has-Beens Attack!:
A Chat Room Review of Celebrity Boxing


Coolia = Julie Wiskirchen

Nerdia = Mary Ladd

Coqueta = Alyssa Gutierrez

[nerdia] Of course Celebrity Boxing would be on Fox. Of course it would be broadcast from LA. No surprises here yet.

[coolia] What's Howie Backsteet and his innocent sister doing mixed up in all this? AJ Backstreet would be more appropriate.

[nerdia] The national anthem sung by a Backstreet Boy and his sister. It's awkwardly sincere for this event, borderline childish even.

[coolia] In their pursuit for realism, they're using actual boxing trainers and the real "let's get ready to rumble" announcer. This takes me back to Wrestlemania II when Rowdy Roddy Piper was coached by Lou Duva for his bout against Mr. T.

[nerdia] Barry "Da Butcher" Williams vs. Danny "Boom Boom" Bonaduce

[nerdia] Although the participants as they run down the hallways, acting out some kind of boxing fantasy of toughness, do look mean and ready to rumble, I don't buy it for a second. Barry Williams' mean look is just unsettling and Danny just looks like a celebrity street thug.

[coolia] I didn't need to see Barry Williams without his shirt. It used to be when someone would say the words "Barry Williams shirtless," I would picture the Hawaii episode where he was young and buff and got hit in the head with his surfboard and nearly drowned because he was wearing Vincent Price's evil tiki doll around his neck. Now i'll have this hairy paunchy middle-aged barry chest in my head. *Shudder*

[coolia] This is humiliating. Barry is getting his ass kicked and is clearly not in shape. 4 knock-downs in the first round! of the 6, i don't know why these two are subjecting themselves to this. They actually have careers--Danny has a TV show and Barry is a doctor. Barry is donating his money for this to charity. He's the only one of them that I've heard say that. i think danny is boxing just because he's a bully.

[nerdia] People like Tonya, Todd, Rob & Paula probably need the money themselves...but Danny and Barry? Barry could live off of the ad nauseum Brady Bunch retrospectives alone.

[nerdia] Todd "Mad Dog" Bridges vs. Rob "Bi Polar" Van Winkle

[coolia] Rob has more tattoos than Ozzy. Looking at him today, it's hard to believe I once crushed on him for fifteen minutes.

[Coqueta] I didn't think Rob needed money. He invested his Vanilla Ice earnings pretty well. He didn't blow it all on marble floors like M.C. Hammer.

[coolia] Nice jab from Rob!

[Coqueta] Willis is wondering, "where is my rich white daddy now?"

[coolia] todd looks soft, but he pulled out a victory. That boxing training goes a long way. It worked for Danny too.

[coolia] heres the bout we've all been waiting for...

[nerdia] Tonya "TNT" Harding & Paula "The Pounder" Jones

[nerdia] Not that I relish rooting for Tonya Harding but I refuse to give Paula Jones any kind of benefit of the doubt...everyone gave her mucho credits for "steppin in at the last minute" after Amy Fisher was barred from the event by a parole judge. One of these things is not like the other: that would be Paula Jones (TV show? No. Movie Star? No. Recording Artist? No...she's a scandal ho! not a celebrity. Infamous and famous are two separate weight categories!) But I guess Paula is a kindler, gentler media ho than Amy Fisher would have been. Amy Fisher! Her participation would have been appalling and incomprehensible...I mean is this celebrity boxing or convicted infamous felon boxing?...okay Tonya is shady, but not (as yet) convicted of anything...that's a difference of more than a slight nature.

[coolia] Yeah, but Amy would have made it a much better fight. Two true bad girls. Paula would be better matched up against Donna Rice.

[Coqueta] tonya has a scrunchie. maybe she'll do a triple lutz and a soucow? She also has some massive tits

[coolia] she's had a boob job i think. they wont disclose their weight? that's annoying. how girlish.

[Coqueta] their headgear looks like "Helmet" from Spaceballs

[coolia] extra protective headgear to protect plastic surgery investments

[Coqueta] tonya has a mexican trainer. she's all multi-culti. there are a lot of mexicans at the boxing match, the ref, the trainer. we're represented.

[coolia] tonya is still in good shape.

[Coqueta] paula is scared of big bad tonya. i guess tonya is more white trash than she is.

[coolia] i dont think this is tonya's first fight, somehow.

[Coqueta] paula should be scared, tonya is a bully. she beat up jeff gilooly and hit her boyfriend with a hub cap outside of their trailer.

[coolia] and the announcers reveal that tonya harding is an asthmatic! high drama!!

[coolia] oooh hitting paula when the fight is over...tonya is fightin dirty again

[nerdia] I don't quite buy this "controversy" over Tonya winning the fight. Paula kept running, last illegal punch or not. Tonya may be a cheater to the core, but the dance seems so played out...so not quite real, like WWF wrestling. The evil skating villan. oooh...everybody boooooo.

[Coqueta] paula fought with her nails done? no wonder she lost. tonya didn't win gold in the olympics but maybe the gold belt is a good substitute

[coolia] that was the most humiliating thing i've ever seen, and i'm including the two Richard Bey shows I saw in person. i don't understand why these faded stars subjected themselves to it. wouldn't an anonymous data entry or fast food job be more honorable?

[nerdia] i prefer the friendly celebrity comeradere of shows like Celebrity Fear Factor and Celebrity Weakest Link and Celebrity Who Wants to be a Millionaire (where they actually help each other out) to this fake psuedo annimosity. The truth was evident at the end of each round when the celebrities were either hugging and joking with each other (Barry and Danny...Danny was even being self-depracating about his decade in a haze...which is what I love about Danny Bonaduce, btw), or complimenting each other (Paula and Tonya...who didn't have enough nice things to say about each other after their fight). The only one who showed no sign of friendliness was Todd Bridges, who's brooding seriousness just came off as bizarre next to Vanilla Ice's lighthearted shrugs. Relax, dude. He won the boxing match but lost the PR campaign.

[coolia] Wha'chu broodin' 'bout, Willis? they will all point to this show in their future e! true hollywood stories and say "this is when i hit rock bottom"

[Coqueta] too bad this is preserved in film for all time.

[nerdia] Did you notice how all the winners had goldenpalace.com painted on their bodies? I haven't seen that moniker since my parents last pulled out a deck of free cards from Vegas. What's up? Does this mean the matches were all rigged by some Vegas casino-owning mafiosos? or were the celebrities simply human billboards for the only Casino showroom in Vegas Cher hasn't filmed a TV special from yet?

[nerdia] The show was awfully low budget, full of useless hypery and sort of stupid...but I didn't feel sorry for anyone who was involved.

[coolia] i'm going to have nightmares about barry williams' chest

[Coqueta] and todd bridges' pot belly

[coolia] as bad as that was, i'd watch it again

[Coqueta] me too

[coolia] but it would make me feel *dirty*

[nerdia] The next match should definitely include Susan Dey against Marsha Brady...that way we can hear Marsha whimpering "Oh my nose!" once more for old time's sake. Now that's entertainment!

All photos borrowed from FOX's official Celebrity Boxing site.

Read our chat room reviews of the Oscars, AMAs, VMAs, Golden Globes, etc.

Tell us about the celebrities you'd like to see sparring.


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