Home | Blog | Advice | Books | Features | Food | Games & Quizzes | Holidays | Media Morph | Movies | Music | Poetry
Requiems | Store | Television | Travel | About Us | Archive


Web www.apeculture.com   

"Best Hand Shaker In This Town"

This is what Mary Ladd had to say when asked about her dog Helga’s recent trot into the political ring of California politics. "Anyone who has ever met Helga", says Ladd, "knows she has a lot to say." During this special election, Helga will have to contend with a veritable smorgasbord of California gubernatorial candidates.

So Why Helga? Why now?
Obviously qualifications are not a determining factor. Neither is intelligence or experience or ability to speak coherent English. "Within these parameters," Helga says, "who better to run willy nilly through the doggie doors of the Governor’s mansion but me."

Helga is heads and tails above the menagerie of other candidates!
Helga is running against a total of 135 other candidates. Here is an overview of how she measures up to her major competitors:

Helga challenges her fellow candidates to a debate.


  • Larry Flynt, publisher of Hustler magazine – Helga has put her money where her mouth is and has been appearing nude in public for over ten years. Until Larry Flynt follows suit, he's nothing but a smut-peddling hypocrite.

Green Party:

  • Peter Camejo, 2002 Green Party candidate for governor – Helga’s far superior olfactory senses give her an infinitely better knowledge of all things green, more so than any other candidate on the ballot. She can tell you anything you want to know about grass and dirt. She has sniffed it all in her lifetime.


  • Arianna Huffington, columnist – although, like Arianna, Helga didn’t pay income taxes last year, this was because she earned no actual income. Furthermore, Helga would send her puppies to public obedience classes if she hadn’t been spayed at 6 months of age. Helga fully supports public obedience training and taxes.


  • Arnold Schwarzenegger, actor – Helga is in much better shape at age 105 than Schwarzenegger will be at that age; Also, her campaign speeches make more sense.
  • Tom McClintock, state senator; Bill Simon, businessman; Peter Ueberroth, former baseball commissioner – Helga’s motto toward all Republicans: "Get the dogs of society out of Sacramento and the dogs of the working man in."


  • Mathilda Spak, 100-year-old woman – At 15, Helga has Mathilda easily beat by over five years (dog years, that is).

Background of Our Candidate
Helga, a centenarian mix breed, was born in St. Charles, Missouri, and has lived in many states during her lifetime, including Missouri, Massachusetts, New York, Pennsylvania and California. From a young age, Helga has always maintained the courage of her convictions. When she was 6 months old, she ate her owner Mary’s fake ID, even then demonstrating her fierce commitment to the law. Since puppyhood, Helga has been a longtime house-frau, couch-side political pundit, and former Ape Culture couture model. The pressures of modeling unfortunately led to a short-lived eating disorder. In 1998, Helga began an aggressive campaign to rid the Yonkers, NY area around her house of door-to-door salesmen, mailmen and other loiterers. Her efforts didn't go unnoticed. Her "loud-mouth tactics" eventually led Yonkers authorities to rid the neighborhood of illegal tenants. It was around this time that Helga and her owner Mary were forced to move westward.

Helga detractors, such as Helga’s roommate Julie Wiskirchen, have already begun to sling mud. Wiskirchen recently said, "No one will vote for a candidate who barks that much. People like silent candidates like Schwarzenegger." Helga’s rebuttal included calling Wiskirchen a "corn chip miser."

Unlike Schwarzenegger, Helga has offered to accept all interviews and questions about the financial woes of her adopted state of California, although her experience in fiscal matters has been limited to watching her accountant-owner Mary add up vet bills.

Many may consider Helga a one-issue candidate because she is running solely on the Save Dog Beach platform. But Helga has lately adopted a firm no rollover policy, especially when it comes to many special interests -- those interests being her owner's interest in getting her to roll over.

Helga is a Democrat and will only accept rides in American-made cars. Helga fully supports the working-dog owners of America. Because she's a pack animal, she supports unions of all kinds. More about Helga's history can be found on her web page.

Helga’s Fine Gubernatorial Qualifications:

  • Is good at catching stuff.
  • Doesn’t give in to sycophants or flattery. Will not pander to petting. Prefers not to be petted at all.
  • Is aggressive. Readily stands her ground and refuses to back down when cornered…can be very ornery in fact.
  • Has always been a good listener…although at 15, she is almost deaf. Can read lips.
  • Is unpredictable, no pawn of special interest groups or lobbyists.
  • Supports alternative energy sources and animal rights.
  • Is a member of AARP and fully committed to the issues of senior citizens.
  • Is nobody’s bitch.

Although the deadline for making the official ballot has passed, Helga hopes to triumph as a write-in candidate in October. She will be making appearances at various Los Angeles dog parks, but please do not approach her. She’s highly excitable and doesn’t readily suffer fools. For more information on the Helga for Governor campaign, contact Helga’s campaign advisor, Christopher Brisson, at apemail@apeculture.com. For a campaign contribution of $10, you will get a free Ape Culture T-shirt and a Helga for Governor or I Like Helga button.

To order a button, tshirt or make a campaign contribution, click here.

For more information on Helga’s eating disorder, click here.
Read Helga’s review of last years Palm Springs Film Festival.
See Helga modeling Ape Culture couture.

Click here for more wacky links about the recall

Have any questions for this candidate? Helga promises to answer them all. Add comment.


Ape Culture and all associated pages are
ŠApe Culture 1998-2007 and evermore.

Click here to learn about
the Ape editors' book

Check out the Ape Blog for the latest Ape Culture News and Reviews

Amazon Honor System Click Here to Pay Learn More

Free Greeting Cards from Bravenet
Retrieving an Ape Card?
Enter Card Pick-up ID below: