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It's not too late to read Ape Culture's report on the 2000 Oscars...

By Mary Ladd, Gayle Soberg, and Julie Wiskirchen

In case you're still waiting for your limo, here's Ape Culture's run-down on the awards, chat room style. Last year, we Apes had a big Oscar bash--TVs in every room (some showing classic Oscar telecasts of yesteryear including the classic Rob Lowe/Snow White opening routine), formal attire (a chance to recycle bridesmaid dresses), much fun. This year, we were spread out around the world, so we had to dish electronically.

Our correspondents and their celebrity obsessions are as follows:

Mary, direct from Lititz, PA. Mary will be defending Cher, Al Pacino, and Tommy Lee Jones this evening.

Gayle, our Chicago correspondent. Gayle was formerly obsessed with Kevin Costner but unable to stick with him through the Waterworlds and The Postmans. She now divides her time between decorating a shrine for Freddie Prinze Jr. and trashing Julie's celebrity obsession.

Julie, reporting from Sydney. Julie is hopelessly devoted to Jack Nicholson. She has forgiven him in the past for Man Trouble and The Two Jakes. Tonight she will overlook the moustache.

[Gayle] Thank GOD the pre-show is over! That little half-hour of watching the stars walk in has become so BAD! Tyra Banks was so annoying (as were all of the other reporters)

[Mary] In a way I was glad Ms. Banks was so annoying. She will mercifully spell the death knell to this kind of hyper interview drivel. She was too excited to be there. The only acceptable movie star mood for the Oscars should be blasé.

[Gayle] And what was with her Southern belle dress? I hated how she axed every single woman what designer she was wearing.

[Mary] Me too. This always strikes me as sexist, even though I care about what designers did what dresses…why don't they axe the guys whose underwear they were wearing? The South Park guys were so brilliant and daring in their outfits and the press corps pretty damn near ignored them, as if they were just playing a childish stunt, which they were. The Oscars need a good kick in the pants by a childish stunt.

[Julie] I didn't get to see any pre-show! Life without E! is so hard…no bitchy Joan and Melissa Rivers commentary…not even the crappy network version.

[Mary] I feel for you but who's more civilized than who? People who ogle at celebrities walking down a red carpet or people who are unable to?

[Mary] Did you get that little slip in Billy Crystal's opening clip - he said to Robert DeNiro, "I know who you are - you're Al Pacino." Or was it a joke? I couldn't tell.

[Gayle] I completely missed that!

[Julie] I didn't hear but it was probably a joke on how those two are always confused. I got home from work just as the show was starting. I was watching with a fun and chatty crowd of Aussies. They don't live by the US law that Oscar commentary should be kept to a minimum and only unleashed during commercials or Phil Collins songs.

[Mary] Why can't Phil Collins be kept to a minimum during Phil Collins songs?

[Gayle] That was a pretty bad when he's in the car chase and says, "Look out - it's Stephen King!"

[Julie] I missed that too. Sigh.

[Gayle] Yikes! Did you see Annette Bening's hair? She's a regular baby machine, isn't she?

[Julie] I am pretty disgusted by the way she keeps popping them out. He looks worse and worse all the time. This time, his face looked so pinched. I was wondering if he was able to close his eyes. Picture them having sex and her yelling "Fuck me, your majesty!"

[Mary] Hey, what's with the anti-procreation? She can pop away for all I'm concerned…keeps Warren off the streets and that's a good thing.

[Gayle] Billy Crystal is funny and all, but I really don't care for his musical openings. They just add to the length. Jack looks bad, Juls, really bad. And it's really accentuated by sitting next to Lara Flynn Boyle. Doesn't that just gross you out?

[Mary] Something different about me: I like Billy Crystal's silly little celebrity love songs. I wanna fill the world with Billy Crystal's silly little celebrity love songs. What's wrong with that? I'd like to know.

[Julie] The opening amused me but it was too long. He is getting carried away.

[Julie] I have mixed feelings about Jack's appearance. I'm all for the A Few Good Men short hair…time to embrace the baldness. The moustache is like so-Reds, circa 1981. That needs to go. He is really fat! He is approaching The Two Jakes weight and that's his max. You'd think he'd crush Lara…she must get on top. He seemed very drunk and/or high in the beginning but I was glad he sobered up and gave a coherent speech. I was pissed because oscars.com didn't list him as a presenter so I didn't have my parents tape it! This would have been a good one for the archive…so many close-ups!

[Mary] This was a legitimate travesty. It was Jack's night out. Fat or no. He can always lose weight for his next comeback. Let the man enjoy his life and his cheesy-poofs.

[Gayle] COSTUME DESIGN - Topsy Turvy. Didn't really care about that one. That's strange - they always start out with either SUPPORTING ACTOR OR SUPPORTING ACTRESS.

[Julie] Did you see Topsy Turvy? I had no interest.

[Mary] Topsy Turvy? What's Topsy Turvy?

[Gayle] I hope Haley Joel Osment wins. Like Anna Paquin did. He was so good in The Sixth Sense. I think he had more to do with making his movie great than anyone else in his category.

[Mary] I loved the movie, don't get me wrong. But this kid bugs me. Something about his face…I can't put my finger on it…or maybe it's his "I see dead people" voice. I don't know, but I just can't get around it.

[Gayle] SOUND - The Matrix. Yeah! The Wachowski Brothers get one!

[Julie] Glad The Matrix cleaned up on the f/x awards…it was totally deserving. You're right, it was much more original than Star Wars. Thank God they didn't digitally insert Jar Jar to present an award.

[Mary] I saw this movie last weekend and I loved it! The Parentals (who chose the movie) completely hated the idea of non-conformity and my father was miffed that Keanu couldn't make up his mind earlier in the movie and kick some evil butt. "Why couldn't he have decided he was The One an hour ago?"

[Gayle] MAKE-UP - Topsy Turvy again. Damn. I thought Austin Powers should have gotten that one. Fat Bastard was a work of art, man!

[Gayle] Did you see The Cider House Rules? It was pretty good. I really liked it.

[Julie] No, I wasn't too interested but I think I might check it out. It just opened here.

[Gayle] SUPPORTING ACTRESS - Angelina Jolie. Damn! I didn't want her to get it. I hoped Toni Collette would win. I knew she wouldn't, but I still hoped. Why do the beautiful people always have to win? Especially for playing ugly people. It's like they're being rewarded for allowing themselves to look so ugly on film. Doesn't make them a good actor. I didn't see Girl Interrupted, and Angelina was probably pretty good in it, but I just don't like her.

[Julie] I didn't see it. I like Toni, but I didn't think her role was all that. People here were really cheering for her and Russell Crowe (even though he's from New Zealand). Angelina looked too goth and her feelings for her brother were unnerving…very Flowers in the Attic.

[Mary] I wanted her to win. I had heard that when she won her last award her parents didn't call to congratulate her for 48 hours! I could relate to such parental indifference and I wanted her to show those deadbeat parents she was good enough and strong enough, and damn it, the academy likes her! The brother thing was seedy though, yeah.

[Gayle] Lots of English people on the stage tonight. Cate Blanchett, Jude Law, Michael Caine, Judi Dench, Phil Collins…

[Julie] Jude Law is a hottie. He made The Talented Mr. Ripley watchable…it was all downhill after stupid Matt Damon killed him with the blunt object.

[Mary] I totally agree. As if I didn't have enough reasons to not like Matt Damon, The Tom Cruise Wannabee. He killed Jude Law, fuhgetaboutit!

[Gayle] LIVE ACTION SHORT - Satan's Disciples. Who cares.

[Mary] It would not be a true Oscar experience unless we were to suffer through a few boring awards and speeches.

[Julie] I'd like to see that one. It looks amusing. I care about the little people.

[Gayle] ANIMATED SHORT FILM - Again, who cares? The Old Man and the Sea. Poor guy - couldn't speak any English!

[Gayle] Did you see The Insider? I didn't see that. It looked too boring. Plus, we all know the story already. To me it seems to be the equivalent of someone making a movie out of the OJ Simpson deal. Well, not quite as bad as all that, but similar.

[Julie] Go see The Insider! It's excellent. I felt the same way you did but Chrissy talked me into seeing it…I thought the last thing I want to see is something about 60 Minutes that's 3 hours long and featuring another angry Al Pacino performance.

[Mary] Hey, why are we picking on Al Cutechino here?

[Julie] But it was really suspenseful and makes you think about the media, corporations, all sorts of evils. And Russell is terrific in it…he's such a stud (so brooding at the awards…like James Dean with a football body). Trust me on this one…you'll dig it.

[Gayle] Why can't Russell Crowe smile? Why can't they stop pointing the camera at him? I want to see hot guys - not Annette Bening, Russell Crowe and Clint Eastwood. Where are all the stars? It doesn't seem like anyone's here.

[Julie] But Russell is hot! Didn't you like him in LA Confidential?

[Gayle] ORIGINAL SONG - Phil Collins. Disney movie. That was no surprise. It would've been so cool if South Park had won. I can't believe it was even nominated!

[Julie] It would have been awesome. Robin Williams was funny. Loved the South Park guys in drag.

[Julie] Cher looked a fright. Comments from gay men in the room: "She's such a trash bag!" "She looks like a drag queen!" "Enough with the crosses already!"

[Mary] She looked better than she has in years….she has to advertise the crosses…that's her Sanctuary line. She can't win for losing. If she dresses outrageous, someone always freaks out. If she dresses down, someone always freaks out. A lot of dresses were really ugly. Hers was very mediocre. Very understated for her. The hair…well, hmm…and the tripping. I bet she shared a joint with Jack before the show.

[Gayle] The freaky guy from American Beauty looks gross! Cut your hair man!

[Gayle] DOCUMENTARY SHORT - King Gimp. My sister Emmy thinks the winner is having a seizure. I think she may be right.

[Gayle] DOCUMENTARY FEATURE - One Day in September. Kind of surprising. Everybody loves Buena Vista Social Club.

[Gayle] I love Judi Dench. She has the most awesome voice. Supporting actor is tough. Please don't let it be Tom Cruise. Please!

[Julie] I was cheering for Tom. You know I don't like him but he was really good in Magnolia. I would have been happy with the kid winning, but not Michael Caine. A charity award! I shouldn't say that because I haven't seen the movie, but it just seems like a career award, which isn't really fair because he already won for Hannah and Her Sisters (but he wasn't at the awards because he was making the cinematic classic Jaws 4).

[Mary] Love Judi Dench, love Michael Caine, can tolerate Tom Cruise…what are we talking about again?

[Gayle] SUPPORTING ACTOR - Michael Caine. Not surprising, probably somewhat of a mercy award, but he still deserves it. Poor Haley Joel. You can tell he wanted it so SOOO bad.

[Mary] Mike always gives good speech.

[Gayle] SOUND EFFECTS EDITING - The Matrix. Wow! Two for the Wachowski Brothers. That means Star Wars will get visual effects.

[Gayle] Talented, Salma Hayek? I don't think so. Boobs and Butt Girl, sure, but not talented. They didn't even list the science and technical awards. Not that I care, but tough for those guys.

[Julie] But she was so brilliant in Studio 54! Just kidding.

[Gayle] VISUAL EFFECTS - The Matrix! Wow, Star Wars is shafted! I thought for sure Star Wars had that cold. I'm glad The Matrix got it, though. It had completely original special effects. That's why so many commercials (and Mission Impossible 2) are copying the same technology now.

[Julie] Did George Lucas even show up? I didn't see him there. He probably knew he'd get the shaft.

[Gayle] This has been a pretty boring show so far. Not many jokes, not a lot of excitement or controversy. Not even any cool dresses.

[Mary] See! If Cher was dressed as her Liberace self….then we'd have something to talk about.

[Julie] Yes, it was a snore.

[Gayle] OK, Billy Crystal's what-are-they-thinking bit was pretty funny.

[Julie] That was my favorite moment of the show. Especially because he acknowledged Jack as the coolest guy in the room. Please note that Jack still gets a front row seat, when all he's doing is presenting.

[Mary] I think they put Jack in the front because he gives good Jack-Palance-moments…i.e. when he tried to have that conversation with Billy during the intro. What was that all about?

[Gayle] What's with all these musical bits? They take out the dance and replace it with more unnecessary song numbers! Why don't they just show longer clips of the actor and movie nominations? You know, the set design for the awards is actually not bad this year. It usually sucks.

[Mary] At least they crammed all the musical numbers into one section. Let's get it over with and move on with our lives kinda thing.

[Gayle] Hey, I've never seen that KISS Pepsi commercial before. That's pretty hilarious. I usually hate those "Joy of Cola" commercials with that stupid little girl. But that one was good.

[Mary] I thought this was a travesty. If you think Jack looked fat, Gene looked Orson-Wellesish. I'm exaggerating, but I was scared for that little punk girl in KISS-face. Clearly out of her weight bracket in this ring.

[Julie] I hope this commercial makes it down under. Gotta see it. KISS are such sell outs but I love them. That Pepsi girl is in The Insider.

[Gayle] FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM - This one is obvious. They're having two Spanish presenters, it's going to be All About My Mother. Yep, what did I tell you? The Spanish flick. What the hell is this guy saying? I don't understand anything coming out of his mouth! That's right, Antonio, drag him off the stage cuz he won't shut up. Just because Robert Begnini got away with it doesn't mean he can.

[Julie] I just saw All About My Mother. Did you? I thought it was excellent… deserved to win (but then I haven't seen the other nominees). I hope next year some Russian or German film maker wins and is very serious in his acceptance speech…enough of the wacky foreigners!

[Mary] Right, it detracts from the wacky Americans!

[Gayle] ORIGINAL SCORE - The Red Violin. Don't care.

[Julie] I watched this movie on a plane. It sucks! Molly loves it. But I think it sucks! Don't rent it…it's boring as hell. I don't know what Samuel Jackson was thinking.

[Gayle] ART DIRECTION - Sleepy Hollow. I called that one.

[Gayle] I disagree with Ashley Judd. Tommy Lee Jones is not cool. He's just plain ugly.

[Julie] I've really had it with Tommy Lee Jones. He is always the same. The other night I watched Volcano on TV. He's the same as he is in The Fugitive and Double Jeopardy. Gruff but with a heart of gold.

[Mary] I'm telling you the formula works! Did y'all see him in Coal Miner's Daughter? Or The Executioners Song or The Eyes of Laura Mars? Come on people!

[Gayle] EDITING - The Matrix. That movie got all four awards that it was nominated for! I'm glad. It was good. Still doesn't make up for Haley Joel losing.

[Gayle] Jack looks SOOOO bad, Juls. Especially mustachioed. He's gotten pretty fat, too.

[Julie] Yes, but at least he's coherent! And Hollywood loves him…did you see the ovation? You stand alone in your opposition. Just accept it. Jack rules. It's Jack's world-we are just guests in it.

[Gayle] I think it's gross seeing how old Warren Beatty is and then seeing a relatively youngish Annette Bening swollen with his kid. He should be having grandkids for chrissake! It's not that I have anything against procreation, it's just that the old man/young woman thing drives me crazy! C'mon, Warren, it's not like you didn't have time to prepare this speech. Spit it out, old man. What the hell is he trying to say, anyway?

[Julie] He has a real stammering problem. It's very annoying. I think it would really be a handicap for him if he runs for prez. I'll only vote for him if he picks Jack to be his running mate.

[Mary] I will have to stand alone here and say that I think it's cool that Annette showed up fertilized. It's a beautiful thing, childbirth is. I think I appreciated the Annette-Warren thing more when they kept it private. I don't appreciate PDA no matter what the age combo. Warren isn't half as bright as he thinks he is. His speech was shallow and self-absorbed. Not unlike Barbara Streisand's Golden Globe horror. These aren't deep thinkers.

[Gayle] CINEMATOGRAPHY - American Beauty. That's the first one for that movie. But then it was mostly nominated for the big ticket awards, and we're just getting to those.

[Gayle] SCREENPLAY ADAPTATION - John Irving, The Cider House Rules.

[Julie] Good on ya, John! (Aussie phrase) I like to see writers getting to adapt their own books…but you have to be a John Irving to get to do that.

[Gayle] SCREENPLAY ORIGINAL - American Beauty. OK, it's started. Now I think that movie is going to sweep. Too bad. Being John Malkovich should have gotten that one, I think.

[Julie] I agree with you but Amerian Beauty is a good second choice. Both were great scripts. AB was less original, but the characters were all so well-written. But BJM was like nothing we've seen before…that should have won.

[Mary] That's a hard call. AB was sheer poetry. BJM was a breakthrough…what about The Blair Witch Project…another breakthrough…written on the fly.

[Gayle] BEST ACTRESS - Oh god, this is painful to watch Roberto Begnini again. Hilary Swank! Good! Go Brandon Teena! Go Falls City! That was so sweet seeing her husband Chad Lowe crying for her. I kind of wanted to see Annette Bening waddle onstage. I didn't want her to win, I just wanted her to have to show off the bad dress that she picked out.

[Julie] I was so glad she won! I thought the academy would wuss out and give it to Annette as part of the AB tide. But Annette wasn't that good..she was more of a cariacture. Go 90210! She forgot to thank Chad…and he was crying for her. Where did Annette get her dress? Where do you find maternity ball gowns? Mothercare? The Baby Superstore?

[Mary] I loved Annette in AB. She's been doing fluff for so long it was good to see her attack something with meat. Her scene in the empty house was worth the ticket price for me. My mom was a real estate agent for years…it's a dirty, soul-sucking job…you either sell your soul or are unsuccessful. Once you make the decision, there's no going back. Annette had made the decision.

[Gayle] BEST ACTOR - I'm going to guess Denzel. As a statement for the real The Hurricane - a black man wrongfully accused of murder - Hollywood can say, "See, we're not racist!" Kevin Spacey! Wow! That's good. He was the best person in that movie.

[Julie] I didn't see The Hurricane but I was glad Kevin won. I wouldn't have minded Russell winning though. Kevin seemed arrogant and defensive in his speech, but I still like him.

[Mary] Arrogant and defensive…that's what I was thinking too. I think he is arrogant and has just been suppressing it for a few years to get along.

[Gayle] DIRECTOR - American Beauty. No surprise there. And another Brit! Boring speech.

[Gayle] PICTURE - American Beauty. That's ok, I guess. I just wish The Sixth Sense would have won it. I really like that movie. But American Beauty was good, too.

[Julie] The Sixth Sense was good but AB was better, I think. SS was too commercial to win. Plus AB had Spielberg on its side…I didn't realize he was involved until last night. He sticks his nose in everywhere.

[Gayle] Well, that was it. Kind of a yawner, huh? Travis didn't have such a bad idea going to bed an hour ago.

[Julie] No post-show interview coverage to watch here. It just wasn't the same. Travis was smart but I'm biologically unable to go to bed before the end of the Oscars.

[Mary] I completely missed the Barbara Walters interviews this year. Wasn't Mike Myers on? What a pisser! This year was totally screwed up. Missed the Oscar party, Julie. I had another outrageous dress all ready to wear.

[Julie] Until next year!

OK, so that was a really long article...but not nearly as long as the actual show. To find out more Oscars scoop visit the official site or E! And read our Kevin Spacey haikus.

Did you agree with the Academy? Have your say here.


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