Ape Culture - Movie Reviews in Poster Format

In the video aisles and lost in a funk of movie-listlessness? Let our movie posters be your guide:

Sarah Jessica Parker, with bushy eyebrows and fried hair
Helen Hunt, as Lynn Stone, aka "that cool girl"
Jonathan Silverman, as the nerd
Bratty, pre-teen Shannen Doherty uttering lines like "Don't throw a mental, Dad."
and a really cute guy who shoulda been a star, Lee Montgomery

Our story begins with Army brat Janie (Sarah Jessica Parker) introducing herself
to her classmates at her new catholic school in Chicago:

"My daydream was always the same...
someday I was going to get to Chicago because...
that's where they make Dance TV"

Los Angeles DJ and 80's flashback compilation album cover boy Richard Blade plays the host of Dance TV,
an American Bandstand-ish show.
Wouldn't you know it--Dance TV is having open auditions
for a new couple!

Lynn and Janie bond over their love for the show and decide to try out,
after rebellious Lynn convinces Janie that it's okay to sneak out behind her strict father's back.

Janie stands out at the auditions because of her gymnastics skills and catholic school uniform.
She makes it to the finals and is paired with Jeff, a hunky working class boy whose sleeveless t-shirts are always drenched in sweat.
Their rival is Natalie, a rich bitch.
She hits on Jeff and invites him to her debutante ball.
Lynn and Janie get a hold of the invite, xerox it, and invite all the riff raff of Chicago.
Punk rockers crash the deb ball! It's chaos.
Natalie's dad ends up with his face in the jello salad.

Helen Hunt provides comic relief with lines like
"Velcro. Next to the Walkman and Tab, it's the most important invention of the 20th century."

and by disrupting choir practice and prompting a nun to utter the weird line
"Lynn Stone will join us and sing it like an American."

Janie and Jeff rehearse together, overcoming all kinds of obstacles such as Janie's strict father and Jeff's attitude problems.
Of course, they fall in love.

Meanwhile, Natalie plots to foil their chances.
Her dad owns the factory where Jeff's dad works and threatens Jeff.

"I bet you don't want your father to lose his job
anymore than I want my daughter to lose that contest."

Jeff mopes and withdraws, like a brooding James Dean with a mullet.
Janie worries about Jeff, knitting her bushy eyebrows,
until he finally gets approval from his dad to dance!

Ya just gotta rent it.
It's fun, I'm telling ya, and you just wanna have fun, don't ya??

He successfully avoided the brain-sucking orb in Phantasm I
and now he's back, driving a Hemicuda,
and all fired up to fight the eerie tall man
and duck the orb some more.

"He's harvesting the town! We've got to warn people. "
Who's harvesting the town?

Hey, Mike, watch out for those Jawas!
(Aren't Jawas a registered trademark of Lucasfilm?
And what are they doing running around in this movie
with special effects far below the ILM standard?)

Yes, these are our heroes, Mike and Reggie.
They've got girlfriends too!
Mike's chick looks like a cheap Rebecca De Mornay
and Reggie's babe is named "Alchemy."

"That story about me blowing up my own house
because it was infested with midgets--
It wasn't true."
Actually, they were jawas, not midgets.

A priest didn't duck, and he ended up being lynched
by his rosary.
The director must have some Catholic school angst he's working through.

"That priest saved my life and a few minutes later
I saw him get sliced and diced by some flying cuisinart."
Funny, I didn't know the cuisinart company made brain-sucking orbs!
I'm on my way to Crate & Barrell now!

It all ends with a climactic battle of the chainsaws.
They've found a doorway to his world!

If you're like me,
a good horror movie puts you in the mood to do arts and crafts:

The following review is intended for mature audiences only...
as it is filled with satanic flowered wallpaperings, shag rugs
high, dracula collars, and the 60s mascara job
and spock-like ears of Karen Black in

(and if you think she isn’t scary, watch Burnt OfferingS
with Bette Davis & Oliver Reed.
You’ll never be the same!)

Synopsis: teacher, student, some date-rape drug in the root-beer,
incriminating pictures, a $15 hotel room and
Karen becomes a nervous, blackmailed sex slave!

Karen turns the tables on her blackmailer.
She speaks of their alleged sex (we never actually see any sex occur) as
"their dramatic experiences."
Turns out she’s psychic. Uh huh.

His lips quiver, he drools, he convulses.
Indignantly, he cries, "You’ve drugged me!"
"No dear," she responds, "I’ve killed you."
And then she sets his house on fire. Uh huh.

Gist of this vignette: MY SISTER IS EVIL
Just look at her library of hard-bound books on
sorcery, Satanism, pornography, Ozzy Osbourne.

Meet more lip quivering men:
one boyfriend sporting
The Worst Supercut
Ever Appearing in a Motion Picture

Witness: Voodoo Revenge
(making this flick Jan Brady’s pick of the week)
Well, actually, Suicidal Voodoo
and apparently fake hair and fake nails will do the trick

Episode 3: starring Karen Black
From a curio shop on 3rd Avenue,
Karen has bought a genuine, fortified Zuni Fetish Doll
Spirit included, no batteries necessary,
Some disassembly required
TO UNLEASH THE PSYCHOTIC WARRIOR TRAPPED INSIDE!
No rebates, returns or guarantees.

Of course, the sprit is accidentally released.
and soon Karen is hearing the pitter-patter of little wooden feet
as the Zuni warrior muppet
makes his acting homage to Animal.

Karen screams and writhes
on the bed, in the bathroom, in the kitchen,
as the warrior muppet tries to give her a hickey.

She throws that sucker into the oven
and two minutes of orgasmic Zuni wailing later,
She opens it up to have a look-see

A squatting Karen Black with, hands-down,
the scariest eyebrows and orthodontia
IMAGINABLE!
The sight will be forever branded on your retinas.

and stick around for the "previews" at the end of the video:
"House of Exorcism" with Telly Savalas & Elke Sommer
and "Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things"

Remember when husky lil' Jerry O'Connell asked River Phoenix and his other buddies:
"You guys want to go see a dead body?"

Samson Tollet, "John" to his white trash posse, kills his girlfriend and leads his friends to see her naked corpse,
on the river's edge.

Of course, John has a motive for his crime.
"Why did you kill her?"
"She was talking shit."
John's friends, led by Layne (Crispin Glover, even more wacked out than he was on Letterman when he tried to kick Dave in the head) decide to cover up the murder for him. But Layne is the only one really committed to the plan. He buries the girl and nobody helps, not even John.

"I'll be expecting a sixer for this,"
says Layne, dumping the body in the river.
"You'd think I'd at least rate a Michelob,"
says Layne, when John gives him a sixer of Bud.

GAWK
at the Pre-Speed teaming of Keanu Reeves and Dennis Hopper
Keanu plays Matt, the burn-out with a conscience
Hopper plays Feck, a nutso shut-in with a stash of premium weed, which he gladly gives Layne and his friends whenever they visit, as long as they talk nice to his inflatable girlfriend, Ellie.

Feck had a real girlfriend once, but he had to kill her.
So he and John have something in common.
Psycho bonding time!

"I killed a girl once,
put a gun to the back of her head, blew her brains out the front.
I loved her." --Feck
"I strangled mine." --John
"Did you love her?" --Feck
"She was all right." --John

Matt's little brother Tim is the most evil kid since Damien.
He drowns his little sister's doll.
When Matt beats him up, he hatches a plan to kill Matt and tells his asian punk friend,
"Go get your nunchuks and your dad's car!"
Watch your back, Matt!

Eventually, somebody narcs to the cops.
Furious, Layne drives around in his jacked-up VW Bug
trying to figure out a plan.

Meanwhile, Matt gets together with Layne's girlfriend, played by Ione Skye.
He also has a big fight with his mother's boyfriend, who lives with the family.

"You just stay around here to fuck my mother and eat our food.
Mother Fucker! Food Eater!"

The kids spend a lot of time wondering why
they don't feel worse about their dead friend.

Maybe it's because they're jealous of her?
Maybe it's our morally bankrupt society?
Maybe it's just ennui?

"Sometimes I think it would be a lot easier being dead."
"That's bullshit. You couldn't get stoned anymore."

RENT
this movie for a much more insightful look at today's wasted youth
than Reality Bites or Dead Man on Campus.

See perverted Raul Julia leaping on women,
Tommy Lee Jones say: "I LOVE you. I LOVE you."
too funny to be sexy but good try, Tommy!
Retro Commercials in inopportune spots,

"Gee, he's not the killer after all.
No wonder the movie didn't end 15 minutes ago!"

And a bad case of shamelessly letting your girlfriend,
Barbra Streisand,
sing the tortured and irrelevant theme song.

A MURDER SUSPENSE DRAMA WITH LOTS OF LAUGHS
JADED ARTIST THEMES and NO SEX SCENES,
NO VIOLENCE

( I saw more violence from Bette Davis
in Agatha Christie's Murder On The Nile )

so...DON'T WALK, RUN
TO YOUR NEAREST VIDEO VENDOR
AND SNATCH A WEDNESDAY-NIGHT COPY

The 90s Pseudo-Action Thriller
Starring millions of dollars of special effects that still manage to look like sets
Mickey Rooney & Judy Garland
built in the barn!

Meet: anonymous pentagonians
spewing psudo-military mumbo jumbo and
The generic president -
he's a pilot, he's the president
and he's a darn good father, too!

Meet: The generic gay guy, Harvey Feinstein doing generic gay business.
"Oooh! I'd better call my mother!"

The generic old Jew, Judd Hirsh.
He stoops, he complains, his every word a sarcastic quip.

Just listen to this minimalist dialogue that is
the great empowering and heart-warming lesson of this film:
HEY! We could all write this!

2. "Address the nation. There's gonna be a lot of frightened people out there."
"Yeah, I'm one of 'em."

Jeff Goldblum opens the computer, "yap!,yap!,yap!," closes the computer,
draws little circles all over the president's letterhead, opens the computer AGAIN, whirls it around...

The Shadow: Surprised looks (Ooh! It's big!) from the Hollywood Sign to the
White House lawn to Central Park.
Thank God we moved to Jebidiah's Farm, Iowa! Sheesh!

The Aliens:
They've got an infinitely superior technology
but no Virus Scanners. Doh!

See the president outrun a fire ball
and Will Smith's chick:
the only person in LA clever enough
to find a cubby hole of safety.
Rats can do it
but, apparently, Americans cannot.

After a movie from Verhoeven -- we pat him on the head and say,
'Terrible movie but entertaining anyway.'

Put Will Smith and an Alien
in a wave-making, sex pool scene
and maybe we'd do the same.

It's July 4th and all's well in the world.
With a wisecracking, alien-punching Military,

If you thought Dick Clark only liked teens who wore poodle skirts and lived for music with a beat they could dance to...

You'll be shocked
to picture Dick with drug-crazed youth in this LSD flick that
HE PRODUCED!

Dick left the squeaky-clean Bandstand boppers behind when he recruited hordes of unwashed hippies...and a couple of future stars for this hilarious cheapie!

Ok, so Susan's not really a star herself, but she's the offspring of Lee Strasberg, the father of method acting. Susan employs the method to BECOME the deaf, square Jenny who journeys to Haight-Asbury in search of her brother.
How did the Academy overlook her in '68?:

He plays Jenny's brother, now called THE SEEKER, looks like a cross between Jesus and Charlie Manson. He entices Jenny to S.F. with a cryptic postcard:

the writer/director of such chatty flicks as EATING and SOMEONE TO LOVE, Henry lets his mutton-chop sideburns do the acting here, as he plays poster artist and irresponsible drug user, Warren.

He convinces the trippin' Warren not to cut off his hand, even though Warren swears his flesh is rotting.

He plays Stoney, lead guitarist, supposedly (check out the fake guitar-playing on "Purple Haze" in the concert scene -- I was more convincing playing my tennis racket at age 4). Stoney and his merry men befriend innocent Jenny, but Stoney just wants to get into her pants.

Is sneaky Dick Clark presenting this flick to critique the hippie mentality? The film's hero, Stoney, just exploits the "free love" vibe to get the free sex. Jenny wants more, so she turns to:

as the jaded Dave, sometimes member of the band, sometimes philosophizing recluse. He claims he'll give Jenny the love she craves... but first he gives her a glass of kool-aid laced with STP!

The guys must find Jenny in the streets of S.F. before she does harm to herself.
Will they?

It's written and directed by Michael Crichton.
Yes, before his big-budgeted projects like
Jurassic Park and E.R.,
Crichton made tacky movies like Looker and this one.
But there's one constant in his work--
Conservative Technophobia!

SEE
Tom Selleck
as
Jack Ramsey, a cocksure cop on the Runaway squad.
The man who also gave us Her Alibi, Folks!, Mr. Baseball, Quigley Down Under and
High Road to China
here picked another really bad movie
Smart moustache, foolish choices.

The very blonde Cynthia Rhodes plays Jack's new partner,
who can't stop drooling over him.
(Just like she threw herself at John Travolta in Stayin' Alive)
Together, they hunt and kill robots on the rampage!
Technology is bad.

It's supposed to be the future,
and robots are working as maids and construction workers,
so why are the cops driving Ford Tempos?

Big Problem with this movie: robots aren't very scary.
If you don't believe me,
rent Chopping Mall,
a bad horror movie where robot security guards
zap teens with lasers.
Although the movie is set in a mall, there is no chopping.
I felt gypped.

Jack, a widower, has a young son
and a robot housekeeper named Lois.
She looks a lot like Rosie from The Jetsons.
"Lois, you can't keep giving him hot dogs for dinner," says Jack.
"It is all he would accept," says Lois.
Jack's partner warns of the perils of the older model maidbots:
"My mother had a Series 10. It kept burning the toast."

SEE
Gene Simmons
as
Dr. Luther, the mad scientist
who is making the robots wreak havoc.

He's got a big gun!
It shoots heat-seeking bullets that can go around corners in pursuit of their targets!
"You've heard of a bullet that has your name on it?
Well, this one really does."

Without the aid of his KISS makeup and costume and axe bass,
Simmons has trouble being menacing.
Even though he leers and over-acts,
the other characters feel the need to keep reminding us
that he's the villain.

"This is a bad guy"
"He's evil, I'm telling you!"
"HIs name is Luther...like Lucifer."

SEE
Kirstie Alley
as
Luther's secretary/girlfriend.
She helps Jack track down Luther, then reconsiders and begs forgiveness.
Luther kisses her,
then stabs her in the back of the head!

Luther launches little spider-like robots on his enemies.
They're kinda cute.
"My little machines will follow you wherever you go.
They're loaded with acid!"

In the first reel, we're told that Jack has only one weakness
as a supercop--
he's afraid of heights.
How ironic that the finale takes place
at a skyscraper construction site!
Luther has kidnapped Jack's son and climbed to the top.
And the spiderbots are everywhere!

RENT IT YOURSELF
to see the exciting conclusion.
I'll tell you this much--the spiderbots kill somebody
and it's not pretty.
I won't tell you who,
but apparently they like ham.