Ape Culture - Rod Stewart Celebrity Adventure

You dump Britt like you dumped Dee and The Faces. Britt goes to a party and runs into George Hamilton (who is soon to pass the Alana baton to Rod, himself) who gives his condolences to Britt for her recent breakup with The Rod. This is a surprise to her since she thought they were still living together. No, she didn't have a clue. Turns out everyone else knew. How embarrassing. Likened to toilet paper on the stiletto. But you don't feel bad. Why be discreet? You're Rod, the Bod. Britt kicks you out and sues you for half of your earnings whilst with her. She claims she was your virtual inspiration, manager, seamstress and major PR-boost during that time. She always said she would cut off your balls if she found you with another woman. But as she soon discovers, your wallet is more tender. You have no balls. In retaliation, you tell the press she was a lousy cook. Touché, Rod. Touché. You claim she knew your "track record when she met you." Well, as they say, it's hard to argue with an asshole. You say you're a sucker for a pretty face and long legs, so sue you. She does and you cry uncle for the price of $200,000. She was the first woman to think of suing you for a dumping. Started a whole specialization in the law profession: Rod Stewart Alimony Law. Later Britt claims her lawyer made her do it. She didn't want the money. She really wanted you and more fodder for her memoir, part 1 of the great Trilogy of Co-dependency.

You release a new lp, Footloose and Fancy Free. "Domesticity...that's the death of you." The lp receives horrible reviews. People are beginning to suspect you're just doing it all for the money. See? You should have taken the legitimate artist road 12 pages ago. You live up to your reputation. You call your groupies "yummies" and go through the basic femme fatale of the 70s: Bebe Buell, Bianca Jagger, Liz Treadwell. Alana Hamilton. She's described as smart but you have to wonder why she would marry someone who proclaims that for the first time in his life he has found it possible to be with a flat-chested woman. Ah...so sweet.

You and Alana are in Argentina at a restaurant when a man with a gun comes in and proceeds to hold up the entire establishment. Everyone is in the process of forking over their valuables (get it...forking) when the chef saves the day and shoots the terrorist robber fiend.