Ape Culture - Rod Stewart Celebrity Adventure

"Love Touch", "Forever Young", "My Heart Can't Tell You No": you know what you've done. And there's no getting around it. Punk rock singles you out as what's wrong with music today. Things have sure come to a pretty pass. You compound the problem with your new LP Blondes Have More Fun. It's disco. Now you've done it. Rock is now anti-glitz. Your tart image reads narcissistic now. And you won't recover as easily as The Mick and his Rolling-soon-to-have-Gallstones who dipped their money-maker into disco for one single themselves. No, payback has been backstage waiting like Eve in All About Eve. Alana consults a psychic but who can predict that you will start to cheat on her. Who could know? Numerology couldn't help her. Maybe she should have consulted the odds instead. Two kids later, you release the LP Foolish Behavior (now that's self-knowledge) and "Passion" does well on the charts. But your fan base has lost what remained of your former Faces fans. You've sold out.

The press digs up your illegitimate 18-year old daughter. You've never even seen her. You bring a lawyer to the first meeting. You are cold to her. She leaves in tears saying you treated her like a pesky fan. I don't know who should be more insulted: your daughter or your fans. Well, you say, she can't just expect to waltz right into your life...after you thought you had so successfully dumped her little baby-ass and unregrettably dusted her out of the empty vestibules of your vacuous mind.

Meanwhile, Alana "The Piranha" (as she is affectionately called by your friends) fires your staff and your friends. Anyone who wants to get to you will have to go through her. She is listed as a "Difficult Passenger" on airlines. This says a lot about her personality. You are tired of the whole American scene, the violence in LA. You miss Scottish beer and soccer. You start to cheat on Alana. She calls your girlfriends sluts. It's hard to see how she's different from any of the rest. Another legend in her own mind. You've finally met your match and it's soon gonna hurt. She follows the path of Britt, who she once called bitter and unladylike, and files an alimony suit. Money will be lost, tabloid copy will be written in an unprecedented way. I'm not saying it's right....