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This Psychic Girl I Met at the Food Court Blows All the Major Cliffhangers

By Max Burbank

If you're the kind of person who never checks the last page of a mystery, why are you on the internet instead of reading a good book? By which I mean if you want to be surprised by what happens on the season finale of your favorite shows, stop reading right now! I said stop! Okay, I warned you. 'Cause I met this psychic girl on my lunch hour and she told all.


Okay, Like, Monica? And Chandler? They're all, like, getting married and shit? But everyone's all, what if Matthew Perry is still in rehab? And then Kathleen Turner is there, but she's a guy and she says 'hey, there's this thing, and they're called black people' and everyone is all going "WHAT?" and you think that's the big surprise, but then Magnum PI busts in and says 'With rents the way they are in Manhattan the only way Joey could afford a place is if he's blowing people!' and everyone goes 'Whoa. Joey'.

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Scully's baby? Totally full of alien DNA. Except also, it's like, Christ, but in a kind of ambiguous, less offensive way? Where you can go with the idea of Christ being an Alien if you want to. Anyway, Like Smoking Man? He thinks he knows it all, but, like, Krychek shows up and tries to kill everyone and Skinner goes "So, what? Is this baby like, black oil, or a Gray or Lord Kimbote, or a good shape shifter or a bad shape shifter and wasn't there something about bees?" And then, the Lone Gunmen go "Hey, bet our show gets canceled."

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Buffy's all slaying and stuff 'cause everybody wants to get Dawn 'cause she's this Key? And Spike goes 'no, way!' in British and he dies heroically and Buffy's all sad 'cause she misjudged him and everything? And Willow and that other chick? They're all Gay, the whole season they are and they still are, but in this totally normal way. And then while Buffy's upset and shit? Gloria Turns Dawn into the Key, but it turns out just to be the Key to a bus station locker with some stuff in it that looks like old Nachos. And Giles goes 'well'. and looks kind of confused but a little pissed off too and Joss Whedon goes 'stick it man, I'm on UPN now.'

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That woman? She's all, like, 'you're the weakest link' and shit.

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Captain Janeway? And Chakotay? And Neelix? And Tuvok? And some guys who the only way you know they're Aliens is they have this junk on their foreheads? They go 'Whoa, this show was on for like, a long time and it still totally sucks' And Seven of Nine? She's all, wow, thank God I'm totally hot or we would have been off the air years ago, and Janeway looks like maybe she might cry, but she doesn't cause she's a woman but she's the Captain. Oh, and Kim? He goes 'wait, wait, how is it possible I've been on once a week for seven years and I still don't have a character?'

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Ed Bradley? He's interviewing the whole cast of West Wing? But you keep seeing these, like, microsecond flashes of Mike Wallace all nude and stuff, and it's totally horrible? And Bradley whips out a piece and starts blowing off caps and then it's just the closing credits and you don't know who lived and who died until next season.

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Okay, Martin Sheen, he like, wakes up, and he goes into the bathroom to take a shower, but Ed Bradley is already in there? With Mike Wallace? And they're completely kissing. And Martin Sheen goes, I thought you guys were just a dream, and they go no, last season was the dream. And then Patrick Duffy's head comes up through the drain and he's all like 'I'm the man from Atlantis'.

Now We're Talking Fan Page

Are you going to eat that egg roll? 'Cause I am so starving.

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