If you're the kind of person who never checks the last
page of a mystery, why are you on the internet instead of reading a good
book? By which I mean if you want to be surprised by what happens on the
season finale of your favorite shows, stop reading right now! I said stop!
Okay, I warned you. 'Cause I met this psychic girl on my lunch hour and
she told all.
FRIENDS
Okay, Like, Monica? And Chandler? They're all, like, getting married
and shit? But everyone's all, what if Matthew Perry is still in
rehab? And then Kathleen Turner is there, but she's a guy and she
says 'hey, there's this thing, and they're called black people'
and everyone is all going "WHAT?" and you think that's
the big surprise, but then Magnum PI busts in and says 'With rents
the way they are in Manhattan the only way Joey could afford a place
is if he's blowing people!' and everyone goes 'Whoa. Joey'.
Scully's baby? Totally full of alien DNA. Except also, it's like,
Christ, but in a kind of ambiguous, less offensive way? Where you
can go with the idea of Christ being an Alien if you want to. Anyway,
Like Smoking Man? He thinks he knows it all, but, like, Krychek
shows up and tries to kill everyone and Skinner goes "So, what?
Is this baby like, black oil, or a Gray or Lord Kimbote, or a good
shape shifter or a bad shape shifter and wasn't there something
about bees?" And then, the Lone Gunmen go "Hey, bet our
show gets canceled."
Buffy's all slaying and stuff 'cause everybody wants to get Dawn
'cause she's this Key? And Spike goes 'no, way!' in British and
he dies heroically and Buffy's all sad 'cause she misjudged him
and everything? And Willow and that other chick? They're all Gay,
the whole season they are and they still are, but in this totally
normal way. And then while Buffy's upset and shit? Gloria Turns
Dawn into the Key, but it turns out just to be the Key to a bus
station locker with some stuff in it that looks like old Nachos.
And Giles goes 'well'. and looks kind of confused but a little pissed
off too and Joss Whedon goes 'stick it man, I'm on UPN now.'
Captain Janeway? And Chakotay? And Neelix? And Tuvok? And some
guys who the only way you know they're Aliens is they have this
junk on their foreheads? They go 'Whoa, this show was on for like,
a long time and it still totally sucks' And Seven of Nine? She's
all, wow, thank God I'm totally hot or we would have been off the
air years ago, and Janeway looks like maybe she might cry, but she
doesn't cause she's a woman but she's the Captain. Oh, and Kim?
He goes 'wait, wait, how is it possible I've been on once a week
for seven years and I still don't have a character?'
Ed Bradley? He's interviewing the whole cast of West Wing? But
you keep seeing these, like, microsecond flashes of Mike Wallace
all nude and stuff, and it's totally horrible? And Bradley whips
out a piece and starts blowing off caps and then it's just the closing
credits and you don't know who lived and who died until next season.
Okay, Martin Sheen, he like, wakes up, and he goes into the bathroom
to take a shower, but Ed Bradley is already in there? With Mike
Wallace? And they're completely kissing. And Martin Sheen goes,
I thought you guys were just a dream, and they go no, last season
was the dream. And then Patrick Duffy's head comes up through the
drain and he's all like 'I'm the man from Atlantis'.
