Ape Culture - Dead Celebrity Chat: Sonny Bono

Welcome to this Ape Culture sponsored seance. Please take off your shoes and sit Native-American style on the chat room floor. Coolia will play the role of Moderator in tonight's performance.

<Spirit Guide> And I will be your spirit guide this evening. Choose your questions wisely and please don't stare at me.

<Coolia> I would like to ask the first question which was emailed to me from Loretta Hayes in Seneca, Kansas. Sonny, what are you wearing?

<Spirit Guide> I am wearing a very funky Italian jacket and slacks ensemble, gold chains, a gold watch and a general golden aura around my whole being.

<Matthew> Sonny, how did you feel about Cher dramatically canceling her appearance at the opening of the Harrods sale when you crashed into that tree?

<Spirit Guide> I hated to see Cher have to walk away from a sale like that. I felt terrible about it. She loves to shop. I know she loves to shop. We used to shop together all the time, buying those wacky clothes we used to wear.

<Spirit Guide> I admit I did have problems with Chastity's "orientation" while I was a Republican, but then I ascended to a higher way of thinking. Besides, up here, it's a free for all. God is very fluid about sexuality. He digs it all, man.

<Spirit Guide> I am in what mortals would call heaven. A definite nirvana where we sometimes play the limbo rock.

<Matthew> The TV movie The Beat Goes On portrayed Cher as a cold-hearted slut. Was that your doing?

<Spirit Guide> First of all, the movie insinuated that Cher cheated on me during our breakup. Which my book does not say. I admittedly cheated on Cher but, hey, I was a 70s swinger. When I wrote my book I was very pissed off at Cher. She was trashing me in the press. Yes, Cher could be ambitious at times but she would never dress like that movie had her dressing. That was just a travesty of fashion.

<Spirit Guide> No, God is not into Gothwares. It's more Lazy-boy and water beds up here. Cher would hate it, very American-Complacent. It took a while for me to get used to.

<Coolia> Were you irritated when Cher contacted you through a medium so soon after your death?

<Spirit Guide> No...I was waiting for Cher to contact me. I wanted to apologize to her for making her sing "Mama (When My Dollies Have Babies)"

<Matthew> How do you feel about Cher trading on your death as a suddenly devastated "widow," as if your last wife never existed, and she hadn't been insulting you publicly for the past 15 years?

<Spirit Guide> Just because Cher cried and Mary was a pillar of composure doesn't mean Cher was copping for the widow spot. Mary asked Cher to give the eulogy. She's a big draw, even at a funeral. And if you are referring to Cher's comeback being so closely on the heels of my death and the idea that she exploited me, I would also have to disagree. You see, my death only stirred up the nostalgia of fat, unhappy baby boomers. Those whippersnappers who made "Believe" a worldwide smash don't know me from The Captain.

<Spirit Guide> In heaven, Viagra and hair club for men are free. But for the record, I had some hair left on earth.

<Coolia> Have you been hanging out with other celebrities, like Phil Spector perhaps?

<Matthew> "Half Breed" was an atrocious song. Do you feel bad about reducing the pain of mixed race people to a tacky lyric?

<Spirit Guide> I did not write it so I don't feel guilty about it. Cher had that hit after she left me. Serves her right. I would have to agree. "Half Breed" bites the wigwam.

<Coolia> You told Cher in your last conversation from beyond the grave that you would help her with her career. So are you responsible for her comeback? Did you petition St. Jude, patron saint of hopeless causes?

<Spirit Guide> Like I said, I carry no weight with the youths of today. Cher appeals to juveniles all on her own.

<Spirit Guide> That's true. They say I could have talked a drowning man into a drink of water. But really, I taught Cher everything I know. She's pretty savvy now, along with her female entourage.

<Matthew> Do you think that a rock chick like Cher should be cynically courting the gay market with dance pop when she clearly has NO interest in the genre whatsoever?

<Spirit Guide> I think Cher might be softening toward dance music (ka'ching). She did say some negative things about dance music during her schlock rock era, but that's what was selling at the time. So sue her. She's older now and dance is easier to sing...no belting required.

<Coolia> Did you hit the tree on purpose? Mary Bono says you knew those slopes too well to ski off course.

<Matthew> Does God prefer Kylie Minogue or Madonna? Who do you prefer out of the two?

<Spirit Guide> I would have to say Cher is better than the both of them. Better in bed, that is. But that's just me.

<Spirit Guide> I do have something I'm pushing. I am excited to say that TV Land is starting to air my classic TV shows at 3:00 AM. I'm starting a movement to get a better time slot.

<Spirit Guide> After writing "When I See You Smile" and "Turn Back Time" I'm inclined to believe she's made a hell on earth.

<Matthew> When Cher goes to heaven, will her removed ribs be there waiting for her?

<Spirit Guide> Cher did not have her ribs removed, to set the record straight. However, her last two noses will be here. And she'll have to leave her new lips behind.

<Coolia> Do you ever wear your fur coats and vests in heaven or is it climate controlled?

<Spirit Guide> God is a little testy about animal fur. We wear a lot of polyester...God is a big fan of Sonny & Cher show polyester.

<Matthew> Cher confesses she never uses the Internet. Is that the reason she isn't here?

<Spirit Guide> Cher and I have our own private chat room of eternal 60s love. She's busy making her new record. She's been here, done this.

<Spirit Guide> That's the beauty of heaven. God really isn't into monogamy. There's no "right one" up here. It's all good.

<Spirit Guide> 4 wives plus all of Cher's lovers (a triple-ply cloud)...it will be very crowded. I don't know if I can spare room for Gene Simmons. I never liked him.

<Coolia> I should be so lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky to share a cloud with Gene Simmons…but wait, this chat isn't about me...sorry.

<Spirit Guide> Maybe subconsciously I've been preventing Cher from getting a date. I really liked that bagel boy. I'm encouraging her to get back with him. Italian stallions, we're the best.

<Coolia> Now that the truth can be told, did you boink Cher before she was legal?

<Spirit Guide> Who says it's now safe for the truth to be told? We were on TV before she was legal, fer chissakes!

<Matthew> If you had to label Cher with any ONE of these three words, which would it be? Dyslexic, cheap, plastic?

<Spirit Guide> Cher is anything but cheap, she spends money like water! She's actually more proper with her love life than her image would have you believe. The plastic bit is overdone. She's 95% genuine.

<Coolia> have you seen Herve Villechaize up there and did you reminisce about the good ole days on Fantasy Island?

<Spirit Guide> Herve has apologized for his abominable treatment of me on that show. He was depressed about being little and he was having health problems due to being little.

<Spirit Guide> I know. What are the odds. My time is up, dear friends. One final question.

<Matthew> Does Herve have a hole in his face from the gunshot wound, or do people in heaven look 18?

<Coolia> Did you have to spend any time at all in purgatory, like for all the mean things you said about Cher that impacted her self esteem and made her seek solace in the arms of gay David Geffen and in the offices of a myriad of plastic surgeons

<Spirit Guide> No, no, I actually have a very busy schedule. I have a date with Marilyn Monroe tonight.

<Spirit Guide> I am truly sorry for the insecurities that I thrust upon Cher due to my own anxieties. But she was set with some deep lack of confidence before me. I just exploited that. But don't forget: without me, there would be no Cher. Good-bye.

<Spirit Guide> God doesn't like percussion. He's all new age flutes and shit. Beats give him a headache. Beats are made for you pedestrian humans. Enjoy!