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Now I've Seen Everything!
Haikus for Skymall

from Ape Culture: Haiku Capital of the World!

By Molly Denver, Mary Ladd & Julie Wiskirchen

This all started when Julie Wiskirchen and Molly Denver flew from New York to Chicago together recently. They invented this game where you flip through the Skymall catalog and on every page you have to say the one thing you want the most and one thing you want the least. They had a hearty chuckle over the garden baby, this ugly ceramic baby statue made to be put in your garden. From these humble beginnings, great ku was formed. Enjoy.

As much as I have
Cravings for things I don't need
I'll never want that.

If we had a message hat...

here are some of the things we'd flash on it

I'm Easy Like Sunday Morning

I Like Ska!

I Break for Famous People!

If I Had a Hammer....I'd Hammer In the Morning; Yes I Would.

Coffee, tea, or me?

Piss off, you wanker!

My Hat Says Yes, But I'm Sayin' No

Purposefully left blank

I'm an enigma

If You Can Read This Hat Message, you're too damn close.

I'm a Fashion Victim

I'm a nerd

Space for rent

Go Irish!

Honk if you think I'm sexy!


Talk to the hat

Stop staring at my hat

Messages expressed in this hat are not necessarily those held by the person under it

I'm a hat with Turrets Syndrome...fuck you...d'oh! shit godammit!

The person wearing this hat is a dope. Shhh... Don't tell him.

General Sky Mall Haiku

Can I use that ramp
To help my Chihuahua get
On top of my bed?

My dog no longer
Barks thanks to SkyMall. Now he Has a nervous tic.

In case you wondered,
This device is not helpful
On bar-dwelling men.

My cat has always
Jealously eyed the hamster.
So I got him this.

When you need to buy
A present for the kitty
who has everything...

Finally, i can
Organize the benjamins
Under the mattress

My husband never
Asks for lovin' since I bought
My new slumber sack.

Think my 'rents bought me
A car? I never even
Got a sit n spin!

I think it would help
In bars if I wear that hat
flashing "I am drunk"

My neighbors in the
‘Burbs don’t like it when I flash
“OZZY” on my house

Sly Pocket Pepper
Mill: handy for when you need
To make someone sneeze.

I bought self-engraved
Awards, put them on my desk.
Folks know I'm Super!

The Mock Rock: it mocks
Our guests, our yard, the dog; but
Then, it mocks us all.

The latest fashion
Dictates that I purchase this.
No, he's not a purse.

How handy it is
To carry my pooch this way.
And so dignified.

I like to carry
Miles like this, but please beware
Of his flailing legs.

I'm going to get
One of these for my toddler.
Child leashes are dumb.

Sir, may I borrow
Your laptop to order the
Oversized hammock?

I sleep peacefully
Knowing the spider vacuum's
under my pillow.

I'm so proud, my great
Country has invented pop-
Up hot dog cookers.

It's been my dream to
Own a bagpipe, to keep it
From someone who plays.

I've looked these pages
Through and through and can't find the
Travel vibrator!

These fish head beverage
Holders make table settings
Look extra classy!

My personalized
BBQ branding iron
Tells who cooked the beef...

This way, when you get
Food poisoned, you have data
You need to sue me.

"Your honor, the last
Thing I saw was initials -
Burned right in the steak!"

I'm sorry. Branded
Sirloin's not admissible
In a court of law.

My boyfriend got drunk,
Threw lit cigarette at the
Blimp, yelled, "Hindenburg!"

Thank God there's no room
In my galley kitchen for
This skinny frenchman!

Did they have this in
the bathroom at Studio
54, Liza?

Hubby's performance
Is up since I hung these prints
On our bedroom walls

High school nerd becomes
CEO, buys overpriced
Lord of the Rings crap

If Ape Culture had
An office, this table would
Be in the lobby,


Click here for a Skymall Haiku Special - focusing on our favorite item - The Garden Baby!

Read more Ape Culture Haiku

Visit Skymall

Add your own Skymall haiku here.


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