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An Open Letter to the Recording Industry

By Max Burbank

The marketability of prefabricated male popstars whose appeal relies on neoteny (retention of some larval or immature characters in adulthood) is undeniable. The success of groups such as N'Sync and Backstreet Boys merely foreshadowed Dream Street (Frankie, 16; Greg, Chris and Matt 15, Jesse 14, all selected from Broadway and or television for their singing, dancing, and pre-pubescence), Aaron Carter, the "Little Prince of Pop" (age 13.5) and Lil' Bow Wow (age 14). Recent Billboard numbers for Lil' Romeo (age 11.5) show potential for geometric inverse earning potentials when graphed against declining age. These facts in mind, I offer to the highest bidder the following properties.



Heavy Metal headbangers have always marketed to the pre-pube set, but they've yet to truly exploit... until COLIC! Thrashing and screaming, meet turning purple and soiling yourself as Scrawny, Dogwhistle, Gums and Mr. Meconium teach you the meaning of fear on their "Post Partum Post Haste" tour!






LuuShean "Lil' Pr3mie"' Ngyuen, African American / Vietnamese Pop Sensation: born six months premature and weighing less than a pound, had already won a daytime Emmy as the mysterious and alluring "Shockingly Premature Infant Left on Rae Cummings Doorstep" on All My Children and his first single "Overstimulated" went #1 with a bullet. Though his first album Screamin' 24-7 has yet to be released, the "Hap'nin Homunculus" has already sparked a fashion trend as teenage girls around the country dress up in homemade incubators to attend his sold-out concerts.


Mark, Billy, Paul, Raul and Cletus (the cute one) have yet to be born, but that doesn't mean they don't rock the fertility clinic with their signature Dixie/Techno Sound! Their debut video "(let me take U2) Ultrasound Town" directed by Ang Lee was the U-pick video on Nickelodeon for three consecutive months. In addition to their music and synchronized swim moves The New York Times called "...Disturbing", they're so young Raul and Cletus don't even have eye buds!





What can you say about a power rock trio in a Petri Dish? Their debut CD If I Love You (Has My Life Begun?) has Trent Lott raving "If this music ain't live, I don't know what is!"


This new DVD concept package Conceiving You is probably not yet ready for the Nickelodeon / Disney Target audience and should possibly be test marketed in Europe before I even describe it to you.






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