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The Standardized
Should I Stalk William Shatner Test

By Max Burbank

Are you ready to quit your job, abandon all personal ties and live as a drifter on the outskirts of the Shatner ranch? Maybe. But the hard truth is you probably aren’t prepared or devoted enough to reap the avalanche of media attention a man who really, really, really liked William Shatner a lot would almost certainly get.
Before you buy a sleeping bag, night vision goggles and bus tickets to a year’s worth of Mr. Shatner's speaking engagements, take this simple quiz. It could save you a lot of time, humiliation and listening to George Takei ramble pointlessly about getting his own show while waiting for William Shatner to come on.

1. When I think of William Shatner, I:

a. Think of Captain Kirk
b. Think of the original "Star Trek"
c. Push my tummy out as far as I can and say, "But, Ssssss… pock!
d. Hold all the muscles in my face totally still so no one can tell what I’m thinking. This is private to me, do you understand? I won’t have you blabbing to him and ruining my chances of becoming his best friend.

2. William Shatner is a _____________ to me.

a. Role Model
b. Father figure
c. Paunchy: has been recovering poorly from a series of ill advised cosmetic surgeries
d. That question is so totally inadequate it just shows how little you understand Him.

3. William Shatner is to Captain Kirk as:

a. An Actor is to a Role
b. Patrick Stewart is to Jean Luc Picard
c. Adam West is to a lifetime of leads in regional dinner theater musicals
d. I don’t understand this question.

4. T.J.Hooker was:

a. Another TV hero played by William Shatner.
b. Only palatable if you’d be willing to sit through a totally unnecessary root canal just to see Heather Locklear in a police uniform.
c. Described by Nostradamus as the herald of global annihilation.
d. Not a part of the William Shatner canon! It never happened, do you understand? When forced to confront its existence I have to bite the inside of my mouth raw and smash myself in the temple hard enough to make the bad thought go!

5. If Someone says Picard could take Kirk in a fight, I:

a. Tell them it would depend on who wrote the script.
b. Cry.
c. Argue relentlessly until all chances of a mature relationship with a woman are gone forever.
d. Clench my teeth and contract my abdominal muscles so hard the cords on my neck vibrate, my face turns dark purple, my protruding eyeballs begin to darken with burst vessels and a film of pink foam coats my lips while making an "EEEeeeeeee EEEeeeeeeee" sound kind of softly.

6. That crack Shatner made on "Saturday Night Live" about his fans needing to ‘get a life’ was:

a. Just plain funny
b. A long time ago, and obviously a joke.
c. Not nearly so funny as those rare occasions when Lorne Michaels appears in a sketch as himself. They should do that more often.
d. An immense, festering wound, twisting like a serpent around with my overwhelming love until I can no longer separate agony and ecstasy; Burning me, hurtling me toward our destiny.

7. Those priceline.com ads are:

a. Evidence of the evolution of one actor’s craft.
b. Proof that Shatner understands the comic potential of his iconic status.
c. Confusing and upsetting.
d. A blinding, white light beckoning me.

8. ____________ must pay the price for his willful effrontery.

a. Harlan Ellison
b. James Doohan
c. Salman Rushdie
d. I’d been going on the assumption we had a shared interest here, but I’m suddenly feeling a little uncomfortable, like maybe you’re making fun of me. I wouldn’t underestimate just what a bad thing that would be.

9. When Captain Kirk died in "Star Trek; Generations," I:

a. Saw it as the passing of a torch.
b. Understood it was the kind of death he’d have wanted.
c. Had some sort of seizure.
d. Spent the next 48 consecutive hours covering the walls and ceiling of my room at the YMCA with a giant collage using images of Paramount executives, war atrocities, industrial accidents and meat packing plants, then lay naked on the floor in the fetal position until an Angel of the Lord came and gave me my mission.

10. I would shift my attentions to Stephen King if:

a. William Shatner said "I… ORDER you.
b. Steven King lived in the world’s only fall out shelter and there was a nuclear war going on.
c. I re-read "Cujo"
d. You know, that’s not such a bad idea. I’ve read all his books and he is the best writer ever. Plus I imagine he’s still pretty lamed up so he’s easier to corner.


You’ll find the answers in teensy print, upside down on the lower left corner of the inside cover of this web site. Give yourself 10 points for each correct answer

Your Score:

10-30: You couldn’t stalk The Bay City Rollers

40-70: Getting there, but remember, there are thousands of overweight, pock-faced, lonely wieners in garages and basements all over the country, if not the world, ahead of you.

80-90: Not bad. Try working your way up by stalking Grace-Lee Whitney.

100: I will hunt and slaughter you like the craven dog you are, pretender.


Leave your cry for help here.

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