Ape Culture - Rod Stewart Celebrity Adventure

Someone sends you money for the cab. Then, when you get there, everyone discovers that you didn't even bother to memorize the lyrics to your songs! Your half-assed first recording goes nowhere and Decca does eventually release you from your contract. You join a band called Steampacket and start hanging out with a guy whose spiky hair looks just like you: Ron Wood. Ron, Rod...it's all the same thing. But again, you are not winning many other friends in your band. Everyone claims you are El Cheapo, close-fisted. You are always asking for free drinks. You also screw around with the birds during your shows. You miss a lot of cues as a result. You are not a team player. You never help move the band equipment, you never drive, you don't show up to band meetings. You order Dom Perignon for dinner and refuse to pay your share of the tab. You refuse to return things that are loaned to you, even when harassed. They think you are an egotistical, spoiled brat.

Meanwhile, Jeff Beck leaves the Yardbirds (Jimmy Page steps in) and forms The Jeff Beck Group with Ron Wood and you. The reviews are bad. You find Jeff hard to work with. You break with the group right before they are to play Woodstock. Meanwhile, Small Faces have just lost their own egotistical lead singer to Humble Pie so they are in need of a new egotist and you are free. You and Ron join the group. Because of some legal technicality, the group cannot be called Small Faces in the UK. In the US, you will be known as Small Faces (visit Wilson & Alroy's Record Reviews: "We listen to lousy records so you won't have to"). In the UK, just The Faces. You go to America. Although the bands musicianship is considered sloppy, you are a big underground hit. You are plaster casted. You have arrived.

At this point, you negotiate yet another solo record deal without your band. Again you spend your advance and demand more money before you record a note. You nickel and dime the studio. But this time, a record is produced: Gasoline Alley. It does well. You become a pin-up idol and more girls come to your show than boys. You now have two successful careers, one with the group and one solo. You deal with this by alternating records and tours: one solo, one with the group. The Faces are forced to sit around and wait for you.