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A Pictorial History of Great Britain

as told with Microsoft Clip Art®.

Compiled a bit rudely by Mary Elizabeth Ladd*

(*everything i know about England i learned from Microsoft Clip Art®)



Queen Elizabeth &
Buckingham Palace

Buckingham Palace is where Queen Elizabeth lives. This is where Princess Diana had to endure tea with her chilly mum-in-law and wear dowdy polka dot dresses with big bow hats.


Old Stuff

You will find lots of old stuff if you visit Great Britain. Like castles, for instance. And if the movie Haunted Honeymoon, starring Gilda Radner and Gene Wilder, is any indication castles can be kind of drafty...and haunted.


The British don't have as many TV channels as we do. They think this means they're more cultured than we are, but they're just jealous of our Andy Griffith reruns on TV Land. And frankly, who wouldn't be?

Electrical Non-Compliance

The British insist on doing things differently for some reason or another. They have different electric sockets, different VCR formats, different condiments for their french fries. Americans get very frustrated when they travel abroad and try to order water with ice cubes or plug in various thingamajigs. Hey, what's wrong with this picture? We invented the bloody energy source, for Pete's sake!


London Bridge

is falling, falling down.
London bridge is falling down....
That's all I know.

William Shakespeare

If you liked Mel Gibson in Hamlet, you'll LOVE Shakespeare. Actors like Al Pacino and other celebrities who call themselves thespians like to perform his plays in parks for free. This makes them feel more arty and less cheap after they finish filming commercials for SUVs and Macintosh computers.



The Northern British countryside is sprinkled with boggy moors, supposedly haunted (just like the castles)! If Emily Bronte is to be believed, young Lawrence Olivier types are often found brooding here, tormented by unrequited love. Often, you can get sucked into a moor vortex where you are forced, in a frenzy, to skip to the back of the book so you can find out if the spawn of Heathcliff and Cathy finally hook up. And they mock our Hallmark channel.


Adorable Phone Booths

With the advent of the cellular phone, a traditional booth on the corner has become a tad passé even in Great Britain, which is really a shame because adorable British phone booths don't cause brain cancer.

Odd Sports

British folk like to play Cricket, a game indecipherable to most Americans, but Elton John seems to like it.

A British Punk

You can learn a lot about British Punks by watching the film Sid and Nancy. British punks hate Stevie Nicks and Rod Stewart as opposed to American Punks, who hate skinheads and Barry Manilow.



And you felt bad because you had trouble learning how to tell time with anything but a digital clock. The British tell time with ROCKS!

Cider on Tap & Eurodollars

I heard it on good authority that you can get hard cider on tap in Great Britain. Happy day! But just remember, you need a money unit called a pound or today you can possibly use a new currency called a eurodollar to purchase alcoholic cider. In any case, a British pub may be the only place your Visa card is not accepted. Commonly, Americans create a Texas-style fuss when this happens abroad. This is quite normal and Europeans expect it. They really do accept Visa. They were just teasing you.


Read Sublime Sublimals by Doug Stackhouse, and Englishman in American contemplates his fifteenth year of Living in America

Click here for more Ape Culture travelogues

At least the British take their Poet Laureate seriously! Discuss the proper way to spell color in the Ape Culture forum!


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