Ape Culture - Navel Gazing at the 2001 MTV Video Music Awards

Navel Gazing at the 2001 MTV Video Music Awards

Note: We wrote this on September 6, 2001. The world changed for all of us on September 11, 2001. We knew this was a shallow and vapid commentary on a shallow and vapid event when we wrote it, but it seems obscenely shallow and vapid today. Still, we apes decided to post it with the hope that it will amuse a few of our fellow apes and provide a diversion, for a few minutes anyway.

A chat room transcript

Starring:

Coolia = Julie Wiskirchen

Nerdia = Mary Ladd

Jamonit= Traveling Jam

Chrissy= Christine Horace

G-So=Gayle Soberg

<coolia> jamie foxx's opening is like a ripoff of billy crystals oscar medleys. the backdrop looks like a giant connect four board. Foxx's monologue was okay..chili pepper sock joke was good. nick carter is starting to look like simon le bon.

<Jamonit> I like the one wearing the dress.

<chrissy> backstreet boys know nothing about hip hop

<Jamonit> Oukast must win!!!!!!

<coolia> yeah boy

<Jamonit> I knew it...awww yeah

<coolia> why are they cheering for will ferrell? who cares?

<Jamonit> hey...will ferrell is cool!

<chrissy> his jeans were pretty good

<coolia> pleated and acid washed. this belly button commercial skeeves me out

<Jamonit> the singing b.bs??? yes, makes me sick to my stomach.

<coolia> on the pre show, britney and mick jagger chatted together. i think that is one of the signs of the end of the world. also alien ant farm played "smooth criminal"

<Nerdia> J Lo and Puff have to deal with each other tonight

<chrissy> what's it like for her to perform in front of p diddy this song about love not costing a thing? apparently p diddy couldn't afford the cost of her love. And how can she dance in those heels?

<Nerdia> I guess they figure our short attention spans can't handle long songs and comedy routines.

<Jamonit> no shit...what's with the medleys?

<coolia> isn't this cher's stage set from the bon jovi years tour?

<Nerdia> hey...that does look familiar...where's the two story comb?

<Jamonit> i like this song guys... i admit it.

<coolia> ok, we'll still be your friend. J-Lo looked better in Selena with some meat on her bones

<Jamonit> thanks guys. and my sister wants to know what the deal is about J-lo's ass. it's not that big--not that bootielicious.

<coolia> it used to be big (c.f. Selena) and people seem to be frozen in time

<Nerdia> het tits and ass are MIA

<Jamonit> her only talent is her formerly large bootie!!

<Nerdia> ooohhh dc!

<Jamonit> hey, these gals have yet to put out a song that i DON'T like.

<coolia> i dont think i'm ready for this. Destiny's Child is just too bootylicious

<Jamonit> ugh...they never wear any clothes.

<Nerdia> I am bored by the bellybuttonage.

<Jamonit> Fat boy will win.

<Nerdia> christopher walken is so kewl

<coolia> fat boy deserves to win

<Jamonit> or REM

<Jamonit> good on ya fat boy. that's an excellent vid.

<chrissy> The....Sea-gull...must be....over

<Nerdia> they love him too. he has a voice like Cartman

<Jamonit> hey...spike jonze is pretty geeky lookin' eh?

<Jamonit> have you noticed that Christina No ButtUlaria is so not attractive?? esp. when she's done up like a whore.

<coolia> the whore look is in for fall

<coolia> would you rather have sex with carrottop or gene simmons?

<Jamonit> carrottop for sure. i like his hair. what about you??

<coolia> gene of course

<Jamonit> who will win: fat boy or janet?

<Nerdia> janet jackson videos: janet thinks she's so pretty.

<coolia> that was a good video..the n'sync one...dirty pop.

<Jamonit> n'sync was good yes, but fat boy was better.

<Nerdia> is dale earnhardt jr on because his dad died a violent death?

<coolia> they needed a hoosier to introduce the metal act

<Jamonit> i wanna know how one gets invited into that little mosh pit.

<chrissy> they modeled the stage on the u2 concert stage, with the mosh pit inside the heart

<coolia> i'm drinking cider so i can be funnier

<Jamonit> coolia...it's not healthy to drink to be funny.

<coolia> i don't need no chat room intervention

<Nerdia> yeah...you can be funny without the crutch of hooch.

<Jamonit> well, maybe you need some tuff luv

<Nerdia> would you rather....be forced to listen to deceased hip hop star tributes every hour on the hour or be forced to write award show material for teen idols for a living?

<Jamonit> hip hop every hour.

<coolia> chrissy and i pick the writing

<Nerdia> Commercial is giving props to Barry.

<coolia> that commercial made me LOL...or was it the booze?

<Jamonit> i'm already bored by the awards.

<Nerdia> me too. everyone is the same these days. no variety. everyone is too cool for school.

<Nerdia> who's representin' nerds like me?

<Nerdia> huh?

<Nerdia> who?

<Jamonit> fuckin' spike jonze

<Nerdia> who, goddammit!

<Jamonit> spike jonze!!

<coolia> chris walken

<Jamonit> true. hey...name other nerds. sean lennon's kind of a geek.

<coolia> lance bass of n'sync

<Jamonit> lead singer of Pavement...Steve Malkmus

<coolia> weezer. jack osbourne. john waite

<Jamonit> JOHN TAYLOR

<Nerdia> here's my question: why have a billion vjs come and gone but dry-as-dust Kurt Loder has persevered?

<chrissy> J-Lo's trying to look like sophia loren in the 1970s

<Nerdia> Chris Kattan! He's funny. but this is stupid

<coolia> Julia Stiles is not as good as he is

<Jamonit> Chris Kattan...a nerd but so farkin' great.

<coolia> i cant wait to see that corky romano movie although i know it will be stupid

<Nerdia> I am proud to be a nerd tonight

<coolia> i haven't seen so many fedoras since the duran duran seven and the ragged tiger tour

<Jamonit> alicia keys. She sings that "i can't stop falling in love with you" song. it's actually pretty good. but i'm sorry - the Xanadu guitars have got to go.

<Nerdia> I love this song. they play it everyday at the gym...it's good to do the ass blaster too.

<Jamonit> like the interpretive dancers btw? cheeze.

<chrissy> why do you guys like this song? I dont.

<Nerdia> it's full of pain and r&b groovin...it's street corner under a street lamp. baying at the moon and all that

<Jamonit> she has a damn nice voice.

<Nerdia> it's real. can't shake you loose stuff. like maple syrup

<chrissy> I dont like that r&b groovin..so that would explain it

<Jamonit> this is better than your standard Mariah r/b groove tho'. she sings with feeling...even if you don't have someone you feel like there's some dude out there that you can't stop luvvin

<Nerdia> my man done me wrong in the I've never loved a man the way that I loved you vein

<Nerdia> Mariah has no soul

<Nerdia> dammit! more bellybuttons!

<coolia> i'd like to call a moratorium on navel exposure

<coolia> i like that video cuz lenny kravitz is not wearing any clothes..it should win

<Jamonit> Robbie Williams must win.

<coolia> this video of robbie makes me sick to my stomach..like the talking navel ad.

<Jamonit> Moby is definitely a nerd. but he shouldn'ta won

<coolia> i dress like Moby when i go to the grocery store

<Jamonit> well you must be a nerd then

<coolia> def-o

<Nerdia> like gwen is a looker.

<Jamonit> what happened to her damned band?

<Jamonit> will smith take me now

<coolia> marky mark! so dreamy. can't wait to see Rockstar

<coolia> will is a nerd. remember his mom used to dress him in brady bunch bell bottom trousers.

<chrissy> I will jump off a bridge if dido wins

<coolia> janet's dancing is so "control"

<chrissy> we need a new category--best video featuring gwen stefani

<Nerdia> gwen has the midas touch, eh?

<coolia> she also has a navel

<Nerdia> what's with the joan crawford 'do?

<Jamonit> I HATE GWEN

<coolia> it looks like a raccoon has been on Eve's boobies

<Nerdia> was that tim robbins?

<coolia> this is not an appropriate show for tim and susan to bring the kids to

<Jamonit> Tim's a cool pops.

<Jamonit> back to the belly button commercial.

<coolia> macy has no eyes either

<Nerdia> babylon is a good travelin song

<Nerdia> nelly looked kinda...dumb. macy looked kinda...dumb and drunk. I didn't appreciate the dress. hope that wont start a new trend.

<coolia> did nelly cut himself shaving?

<coolia> is that alicia keys or cher?

<Nerdia> she does have a cher thing going. her face even looks like cher

<coolia> ugh...n'sync and a secretarial stereotype

<Jamonit> ohmigawd

<coolia> its so colorful

<Jamonit> dirty pop i luve that

<chrissy> what do people like U2 think of this?

<Jamonit> this is it!!!!

<Jamonit> MJ

<coolia> ohmygod! Michael Jackson!

< chrissy> what's whiter? michael or his t shirt? or mary's legs?

<Nerdia> the recovery channel!

<Jamonit> oh shit - what has he done to his face!!!

<coolia> he's a superfreak. he's superfreaky.

<Jamonit> yow

<Nerdia> I missed MJ

<Jamonit> you didn't miss much.

<Nerdia> but I wanted to see his latest face

<Jamonit> my sister sez he looks ill...like he was about to pass out

<coolia> he seemed winded at the end

<Nerdia> it's dehydration I bet

<Jamonit> or recovering from his latest surgery

<coolia> i cant believe you missed that...that will be the only thing worth watching tonight.

<Nerdia> all hail the belly button!

<Jamonit> pardon me as I vomit

<coolia> is someone keeping track of all the exposed navels?

<Jamonit> gwen..she links everyone together

<Nerdia> lotta love for gwen in da house

<coolia> craig david all over your ( )

<Jamonit> i luv craig

<Jamonit> mudvayne truly suck

<coolia> they induced a migraine in me at ozzfest. did you see them in the crowd with painted on bullet holes on their foreheads? they were soliciting votes at ozzfest, guess that worked.

<Jamonit> filled with rage

<chrissy> that's tasteless honestly

<coolia> the edge was all "what the hell?"

<Jamonit> o.k. i appreciate what they are trying to say. but the music still sux

<Nerdia> it's all about the fans. my ass.

<Jamonit> bono--not impressed

<Jamonit> but now you get JayZee...big pimpayn

<coolia> lots of peeps out there in front of the Met

<Jamonit> must be a wreck out there. is the subway even open?

<coolia> dunno, i'm chillin' in queens

<coolia> there are a lot of empty seats in the Met.

<Nerdia> peeps are bored there too. lots of unfunniness happening

<coolia> its so hard to keep an award show interesting

<Jamonit> Yes it's hard, but hell, MTV is always acting like they have the corner on interesting awards show. they really don't...it's all scripted just like the other award shows.

<Nerdia> remember the first MTV awards show with Bette Midler and Dan Akroyd?

<Jamonit> vaguely

<coolia> no

<Nerdia> youse guys are too young.

<Jamonit> i remember seeing Hungry Like the Wolf on MTV...does that make me old enuf?

<Nerdia> I was thinking about Bette Midler hosting the first MTV awards show with a record on her head

<coolia> i can't help it that i lived in an unincorporated area without cable. i had to settle for friday night videos.

<Jamonit> would Bette host it again with a c.d. on her head instead?

[Thu Sep 06 22:00:55 EDT 2001] G-So

<coolia> gell! what up

<G-So> yeah, G-so in the house

<coolia> welcome to our party. please expose your navel.

<G-So> it's covered by layers of flab

<Jamonit> does your navel talk? becuz if it doesn't you should leave.

<coolia> that u2 elevation video borrows a lot from the seminal duran duran video "a view to a kill"

<G-So> look at jc! cuuuuuute

<coolia> joey! i love you

<G-So> they're very bad at singing too

<coolia> justin figured out how to handle his naturally curly hair

<coolia> usher representin' for alliyah. DC wins! yeah..chrissy and i are waving our hands in the air. i'm not gonna give up. i'm not gonna stop.

<Jamonit> ugh. now what are they wearing? where are their belly buttons??

<coolia> mumus

<Jamonit> my mom used to wear mumus. my g-ma too

<G-So> ok, so what have i missed? did i miss the so-called virgin?

<coolia> you missed MICHAEL JACKSON performing with n'sync. he moonwalked, locked and popped, nearly keeled over. duh duh duh durty pop

<Jamonit> but he didn't feign fucking the floor like n'sync does.

<G-So> do you guys think Mark Walberg's hot?

<coolia> yes, definitely, especially when dressed like a burn out

<Jamonit> YES! but his face looks chubba lubba

<G-So> i like his bod, his face looks fat

<coolia> staind: dull and missing an "e"

<Jamonit> I know...and have you noticed all of their songs are ballad type songs? are they hardcore or not?

<coolia> they are doing the 80s metal thing..trying to get popular via the power ballad, but this is not so powerful, its no "ballad of jayne" or "home sweet home"

<Jamonit> I M Bord

<coolia> britney just blew him. that's why he's smiling, not because ben stiller is funny

<Jamonit> noticed that eminem is NOT winning shit?

<coolia> that eminem song fills me with melancholy

<Jamonit> becuz it sux.

<coolia> eminem's 15 mins are up

<coolia> nelly! represent! stl!

<Nerdia> whoop

<coolia> say it loud. i'm from the lou and i'm proud. i feel like i should spend 75 cents on nelly to represent

<Jamonit> kulz, you've had one cider too many.

<Jamonit> oh my...the dog puppet saying J-Lo can I stiff your butt. that's the best line so far.

<coolia> chrissy left. she couldn't take anymore.

<Nerdia> sheryl crow. more st louis representin'

<coolia> no, sheryl represent the bootheel. is that sonny bono's vest?

<G-So> those are some seriously oiled boobies

<Nerdia> they read cue cards poorly

<Jamonit> hey, I think the title of this entry to Apecultcha should be "How much does MTV suck"

<coolia> does that count as navel baring? they were sorta covered

<Jamonit> yeah, but she made up for it in breast exposure

<Nerdia> was she exposing something? I missed it.

<Jamonit> Not really, but she didn't leave much to the imagination.

<Nerdia> Imaginations don't sell records.

<Jamonit> For sure. "Imaginations don't sell records, but sucking and navels do"

<Jamonit> oh look more n'sync. vomit

<coolia> navel alert

<Nerdia> When bad navels happen to bad shows

<G-So> what's that navel's name?

<Jamonit> When bad navels happen to bad shows that suck.

<coolia> i dont know. she's just a navel.

<Jamonit> not sure...she's too skinny. her navel is bigger than her head.

<coolia> all in all, its just another navel on the show.

<Nerdia> nelly furtado is a talentless twig

<Jamonit> She's so CANADIAN - does anyone else think this?

<coolia> there's only room for one nelly in the music world. and that nelly represents STL. what is she all aboot?

<coolia> missy be puttin' it down

<Jamonit> I don't care what y'all say, missy elliot is damn cool. even if they can't unharness her.

<Nerdia> "we are experiencing technical difficulties"

<Jamonit> how cool is that big ass head in the background?

<coolia> get off the stage, fake nelly

<Nerdia> nelly's ready for tennis.

<coolia> and so is her navel

<coolia> where's missy's navel? didn't she get the memo?

<Nerdia> missy's outfit looks like a bad case of Athelete's Foot

<Nerdia> MJ Video Vanguard Award...gag me. that's so 80s

<coolia> video vanguard..that's so very "sledgehammer"

<Nerdia> exactly what demographic is carrottop selling to?

<coolia> carrottop is selling to the demographic that finds red haired men attractive...which is jamila and nobody else. when jamila thinks about carrottop, she touches herself.

<Jamonit> have I mentioned that this show SUCKS big donkey kong balls?

<coolia> you sound like 2 live crew. Have some respect for Britney's virgin ears.

<coolia> we have u2 coming up...there's some hope. i don't know what happened to ozzy...all week they promised him...and now he's nowhere to be seen

<G-So> jon!

<coolia> this is a bipolar pair for me--love jon bon jovi; wish jewel would be tied to a pole in a desert, smeared with honey, and devoured by fireants

<Jamonit> they match. how cute

<G-So> who knew such a hottie was under all that gross 80s hair?

<Jamonit> wonder if she got her teeth fixed?

<coolia> he's waxing his chest these days

<G-So> yummy

<coolia> seeing bon jovi at giants stadium this summer..definitely in my top ten concerts of all time

<Jamonit> hey, have y'all noticed that most of the vids are from the last six mos?

<coolia> that's a deserving winner-"Lady Marmalade." here comes a parade of saloon girls/whores.

<Jamonit> christina nobuttularia is sooo stoopit

<coolia> i spy 3 navels. no, 4

<Nerdia> patti's version did NOT need to be remade. that pisses me off...peeps remaking patti's shit all the time and getting props for it

<coolia> i'd rather be playing connect four

<Jamonit> yeah, but at least maya had the presence of mind to remember that shit while CA was too busy being an f'in diva.

<coolia> larry mullen has a portrait hanging in his attic, like dorian gray

<Nerdia> I think larry is looking old actually. he has lost his baby fat and looks sorta ragged

<Jamonit> U2 montage good

<coolia> bono with mullet

<Nerdia> one of these acts is not like the other

<Jamonit> oh no!! Technical difficulties on U fucking 2???????????

<Nerdia> did somebody come out naked or something?

<coolia> they better come back!

<Nerdia> more crappiness. the kids today are learning that award shows are all about f'ing up

<Jamonit> my gawd. don't they rehearse this like a hundred times????

<coolia> because of this we're going to have to see carrottop again. i hate these Steve Madden commercials too...big heads and tiny bodies...like flowers in the attic

<Jamonit> with oversized navels. i was addicted to those books btw

<Nerdia> navels the size of black holes

<Nerdia> I loved them too...and the Thomas Covenant ones...the guy with leprosy who saves everybody

<coolia> remember the twins? they had large heads and tiny bodies due to lack of sunlight. so sad.

<Nerdia> that book made me depressed

<Jamonit> YES! i was so depressed, but i couldn't stop reading them!

<coolia> i bought them at a garage sale. they were rubber banded together and a note on top said "these are really good"

<Jamonit> what would happen if you read them now? regression? depression?

<coolia> misty water colored memories

<Jamonit> digression?

<Nerdia> here we go again

<coolia> bono must be pissed off

<Nerdia> uh....they're in a box

<coolia> they're "elevated." get it? this album is great

<Jamonit> but hey, sound still seems somewhat screwy eh?

<Nerdia> Strobe lights... I think I'm gonna have a seizure

<coolia> pregnant women, get off this ride!

<coolia> adam clayton is a nerd. Look, a medley!

<Jamonit> did you seize nerd?

<Nerdia> ejjjgtthtgayh

<Jamonit> U2 rock.

<Jamonit> did you know kids in Japan seized when a pokemon cartoon had lots of flashing lights?

<coolia> i got stuck in a secretarial job and i can't get out of it

<Jamonit> dorky crowd shots

<coolia> winnie the pooh got stuck in this doorway and he couldn't get out of it

<coolia> gell and i saw u2 together at soldier field....misty water colored memories. that was the big lemon era

<Jamonit> are all of your memories misty?

<coolia> no. some are moist

<Jamonit> moist. say that word ten times fast. it becomes vulgar

<Jamonit> so fabulous. bono looks good, eh?

<G-So> he's a rock star

<coolia> edge is sporting hoosier-chic

<G-So> is dodgy good?

<coolia> dodgy is bad. dodgy = wack, off-kilter, not ideal

<Jamonit> dodgy also = sketchy

<Jamonit> they've lost their irish accent and they can't get it back!

<coolia> trivia: joey ramone died while listening to a u2 song

<Jamonit> my brother-in-law wants to know why the hell the mikes are so short. makes all look dorky.

<coolia> must be for the lil' girlies

<coolia> rammstein brought the ramones out on stage when i saw them..they're getting a lot of props lately

<coolia> watch out...snoop might turn into a doberman

<Jamonit> i'd like snoop if he weren't a thug

<coolia> you like his doggy style

<coolia> i have to go with the bizkit on this one...good song, good vid

<Jamonit> Fred Durst sings like a pubescent 12 year old. A former Mormon choir singer

<Jamonit> say something meaningful FREDDAY

<coolia> i've never heard him actually sing

<Jamonit> soooooo great...wes borland doing iron maiden!!

<coolia> butthead: "that was cool"

<coolia> beavis: "yeah, that didn't suck"

<coolia> the fan presenter is almost baring her navel, but not quite

<Jamonit> o.k. notice the "fans" are good looking. MTV does nothing for us...they want us all cloned

<coolia> n'sync wins again. britney's gonna get lucky tonight

<G-So> but with which one?

<coolia> n'sync gang bang

<coolia> the fans looked like they'd been drugged and brainwashed

<Jamonit> yes. surprisingly comfortable on stage tho

<coolia> the fans make our life...he picked up that rhetoric from gene simmons

<Nerdia> it keeps going on and on and on

<Jamonit> hey - BSB or nsync...which is better looking? i say BSB

<G-So> n'sync

<coolia> i say BSB. actually, i say D2

<Jamonit> SIMOON LE BOON

<coolia> shake your bon bon, simon

<Jamonit> bsb are old, but n'sync are just ...ick.

<coolia> nobody in nsync is very good looking. none of them would merit a second glance on the street.

<Nerdia> BSB are too cute, not sexy

<Nerdia> mariah's movie doesn't look good

<Jamonit> no. looks like a movie just to sell mariah records.

<coolia> i'm tired..please let the show be over

<Jamonit> i want to goooooooooo

<G-So> you guys have watched this for 3 hours?

<coolia> we have to finish. It's a compulsion. Everything I do, I do for ape culture.

<Nerdia> that was 2:50 too long

<coolia> i even watched some pre-show

<Jamonit> Outkast introducing Britany. Hmmm...

<coolia> it's the virgin

<G-So> rip off from madonna's express yourself video

<coolia> which was a ripoff of "metropolis"

<Nerdia> animal abuse

<coolia> ride him, britney

<coolia> i spy navel jewelry

<Nerdia> that head mic is so last year

<coolia> its so "control"

<Jamonit> five year olds look up to this ho

<Nerdia> her moves are so old

<coolia> is this "wild boys?" Will justin be strapped to a windmill and dipped in water?

<Jamonit> britney wishes she could belly dance

<coolia> please welcome britney spears and the cast of broadway's "the lion king"

<Nerdia> may i be excused

<coolia> no

<Nerdia> grrr

<Jamonit> i hope the snake bites her.

<coolia> we're in this together. its like Survivor. the last one in the chat room gets a million

<G-So> why does she even pretend to sing?

<Nerdia> I vote to get voted off. can I vote myself off?

<coolia> no! the tribe has not spoken

<Nerdia> I am the weakest link. Good bye

<coolia> actually its more like big brother...that trapped feeling

<Nerdia> Actually its like Fear Factor and I'm being made to eat bulls balls or worms

<Jamonit> o.k. the chorus "i'm a slaaave" and the africa imagery. there will be some angry people out there.

<Nerdia> Jamie Fox: big disappointment tonight

<Jamonit> so true...not as funny as the commercials

<Nerdia> he was great in that football movie...what went wrong?

<coolia> most disturbing couple: kid rock and pam anderson. they were together on the pre-show talking about having sex

<Nerdia> did pam learn nothing from tommy lee?

<Jamonit> o.k now we know where kid rock has been...in his trailer drinking beer. nice belly

<coolia> kid rock is like the guys i went to grade school with who carved "lynard skynard" in the desks

<coolia> where's kid rock's navel?

<Nerdia> kid rock is about as sexy as a dumpster

<coolia> this must be the last award...they've brought out a dinosaur--mick jagger: hopelessly out of touch stylewise. looks like my boss on casual friday.

<Jamonit> as sexy as an old banana

<Nerdia> as sexy as a sweaty shoe in a vat of sludge

<coolia> missy hasnt won nuthing tonight

<coolia> gotta be fatboy

<Jamonit> yes

<Nerdia> mick can't even pronounce their names...how unfortunate

<Jamonit> i am so disappointed I could puke. can i go now?

<coolia> its ovah!

<Jamonit> thank buddah

<coolia> we made it

<Nerdia> free at last...thank god almighty

<coolia> *group hug*

All photos borrowed from MTV.com

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