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Celebrity Scandal Limericks

By Molly Denver

Britney Spears says she's a virgin--
I think it doesn't take a brain surgeon
to guess it's a lie
not too well disguised
by outfits she can't hide an urge in.

He's a man we like to call Jacko.
I think he is quite a bit wacko.
Did he molest a young boy,
And did he enjoy?
Or is that info post facto?

A woman called Mariah Carey
of her energy should have been wary
Was it because of Glitter?
A dress that won't fit her?
Or maybe her man is a fairy.

There once was a man named Pee Wee
who was odd, I think you'll agree.
He enjoyed his manhood
like only he could
and stopped doing children's T.V.

Have you heard the one 'bout Richard Gere
and the gerbil he stuck up his rear
it's pro-bly not true
but what can you do--
you can't believe all that you hear.

We all know that Ellen is gay-
we knew before she had her say.
Anne Heche was her muse
who then left--what abuse!
Now to women Anne only says, "Nay!"

A beach babe named Yasmine Bleeth
is known for her breasts and her teeth
Are the drug charges valid?
Do they make her grow pallid
and cause her to shake like a leaf?

An actor named Kelsey Grammer
who's known for his incessant yammer--
screwed his kid's sitter
which made her quite bitter--
He barely avoided the slammer.

I have a tiny prediction
that Matt Perry's painkiller addition
will effect his career--
I'm being sincere--
and lead to a serious conviction.

Ben Affleck is in rehab
to the press someone did blab
He put up his gin
and checked himself in
Now who's gonna pick up the tab?

A limerick she does not deserve
but Monica Lewinsky has nerve!
I read in the press
that Bill ruined her dress
But she sure threw him a curve!

A child star named Barrymore
drank too much liquor before
she became a teen--
I think it's obscene--
But she's finally evened the score.

A hottie named Jean Claude Van Damme
was in a strip club near the Tram.
He picked a small fight,
lost, and took flight.
I think that makes him a sham!

An actress named Sally Struthers
gets a bit more flack than others.
She got a big butt--
It happens--so what!?
She'd lose it if she had her druthers.

Robert Downey's eldest son
once again had too much fun.
He got caught with more drugs--
which groups him with thugs.
What's next? Getting caught with a gun!?

A comedienne named Roseanne Barr
Grabbed her crotch, so her rep she did mar.
I thought it was funny
and right on the money
but some thought she took it too far.

Andy Kaufman had a weird quirk
which had nothing to do with his work--
he'd wrestle a broad,
win and applaud
labeling himself quite the jerk!

Pamela and Tommy Lee
and more, I have heard
the movie's absurd
and trashy by every decree.

Once Puff Daddy brandished a gun
and dragged J. Lo. out on the run.
He wouldn't get caught
or, that's what he thought,
now don't you agree that was fun!?

So I hear that A.J's a drunk
it's put the band in quite a funk.
No decent boy band
would deal us that hand--
since "New Kids" how boy bands have sunk!

If there's a stock market crash,
rob a small store and then dash.
Dana Plato once did--
got money, then hid.
The things that we do for some cash!

Jack Nicholson's got a golf game,
though one day--it was such a shame--
he used his own putter--
it still makes me shudder--
and brought a Mercedes to shame!

Although he's done a lot more
Julie won't let me explore
the foibles of Jack,
Exploits in the sack,
but maybe he should have yelled "Fore!"

As much as this chick Courtney Love
wants to give her rep a shove,
she'd not really shocking
although quite self-mocking
and almost peaceful as a dove.

Milli Vanilli lip-synced
and to that their Grammy was linked.
They put on an act
which was fully backed--
I felt so very hood-winked!

I don't know if you have read
that Sean Penn's got it in his head
that a photographer--
I don't fully concur--
is really much better off dead!

Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman split.
I heard it's 'cause he's a nit-wit.
He cheated. I say--
he's gay anyway--
this straight act ain't too legit!

Woody's wife's daughter truly
risked all in order to be
with Allen--not Farrow.
What was the most narrow--
his vision or that of Soon-Yi?

George Michael, you know, it's a fact--
I can't say it with much more tact.
I have heard it said
it was in the head
that he got caught in a lewd act!

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