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The Kyliemericks!

Ape Culture presents limericks a la Minogue

By Craig Jones, Sven Bourgeois and Julie Wiskirchen

Two Australian Kylie fans and one American recent convert to Minogueism wax limerickally about Ms. Minogue, her sister and fellow pop star Dannii, her ex boyfriends Jason Donovan and Michael Hutchence, and the chances that her latest UK chart-topping album Fever, due for US release in 2002, will make Americans forget about "The Locomotion."

On Kylie, the rumors

The Princess Botox to wed
An Essex boy sharing her bed
Jason was number one
Michael, the most fun
But will James prove the most fucked in the head?

Australia's not too populous, I know,
So I wonder--did Kylie ever bang Russell Crowe?
Did the Gladiator plunder?
Did they drink at the Leagues 'til they chundered?
I bet he found her too shallow.

On Kylie, the gay icon

Those gold hot pants created a stir
Even gay guys were known to purr
But did they her want her bum?
As a rule of thumb,
I think they just want to be her.

Kylie keeps flashing her bum
But she can't make all the boys come
A lot of her fans are gay
Some even like "Please Stay"
And would rather have tea with her mum

Kylie's fan club is comprised of queens
They like losers and drunks and has-beens
Quite why they love a pop princess
Not known for pills, booze or excess
Has spawned debates and bitch fights, umpteen.


On Kylie's sister, Dannii

Kylie is top of the pops
But Dannii keeps churning out flops
One sister sizzles
The other one fizzles
But both will go on till one drops

Dannii is Kylie's sis
She was uglier than the average Miss
She lost some weight
Plastic surgery made her easier to date
And yet, the crowds still hiss

Dannii was light on hits
So she decided to add weight to her tits
They cut under her arms
Inserted silicon charms
Now she trades on flashing her bits

Dannii developed an image obsession
Because of her husband's confession
He cheated with some soap opera slut
Dannii's surgeon did cut
That really taught him a lesson

"This is it", sang Dannii in flamenco
Til she found hubbie in flagrenti delecto
With a cheap TV bitch
High Voltage did snitch
Now Shannen Doherty's dating that dingo

Dannii's mother-in-law thought she was white trash
And her marriage was over in a flash
Lady Sonia's a snob
Her facelift a botch job
She's proof class doesn't come with cash

Back in the charts comes Dannii
To prove she's no flash in the panny
Hot on her sister's heels
"Who do you love now?" she squeals
Before clumsily thrusting her fanny

Dannii did a cover of "Coconut"
Giving her the cred of a peanut
She's so desperate for fame
Johnny Young's to blame
He made this No Talent Slut

On Kylie's brother, Brendan

Brendan's the quiet Minogue
He's a cameraman, if you didn't know
He's not remotely famous
But you cannot blame us
For wanting to give him a blow

On Kylie's ex, Jason Donovan

There once was a teen idol named Jase
Who decided to sue The Face
His career did fall
The queens they did maul
And now he's out of the race

Jason Donovan was a stunning blonde boy
But don't build your career on being a sex toy
All his hair's did fall out
Of that there's no doubt
Now all he does is snort and annoy

Jason keeps screaming "I ain't gay"
We all just wish he'd go away
He's turned into a loser
And a big fat drug user
Who can't even afford a toupee

I couldn't be gay, explained Jase
I surf, I bong, I freebase
Coke left me sensitive to light
I have fits at the sight
I'm broke, can I stay at your place?

On Kylie's ex, Michael Hutchence

Was Michael Hutchence a dom or a sub?
We wondered when he made his fatal flub
One thing we know for sure
That "Locomotion" singer isn't so pure
Hutchence inducted her into the mile high club

Kylie's ex Michael found dead, nude
Now she's stuck with some anonymous dude
Hutchence choked to death wanking
His career had been tanking
His last album was poorly reviewed

On Kylie's cameo in Moulin Rouge

Note: Kylie Minogue had a bit part in Moulin Rouge as the green fairy who appears when Ewen McGregor drinks absinthe. Notably, the green fairy's voice was dubbed by Ozzy Osbourne, providing an odd commingling of the limerick authors' celebrity obsessions.

Moulin Rouge pushed Kylie to the fore
Compared, Kidman's a carrot-topped whore
The green fairy did fly
The soundtrack they did buy
She left audiences screaming for more

The green fairy's popularity?
I can explain it with great clarity
One need only think of the voice
If metal voices were cars, it'd be a Rolls Royce
Ozzy rules with sheer tenacity!

On Kylie's chances for a US comeback

Whilst Kylie crooned "Locomotion"
Madonna began "Causing a Commotion"
Now Americans diss Kylie with Tiffany,
Debbie Gibson, and others of 80s infamy
Sadly, not sharing Australia's devotion
Geffen Records did dump our queen
To the US mainstream she is a has-been
But the gays still buy her on import
To them Madonna's her cohort
The midwest's ignorance is obscene
I too share your dream
That Kylie in the US will reign supreme
Perhaps I'll see her at a festival show
with Ozzy Osbourne and Sheryl Crow
If Ozzy bites off Kylie's head, will she scream?
If J.Lo counts as hot
The US chart is just an ink blot
Ignore Kyles at your peril
'Coz her sales have gone feral
Whether the US cares or not
US musical taste may be poor
With Limp Bizkit and Puffy selling out tours
but at least we don't have Vengaboys and Steps
Mel C, Taxi Ride and other talentless schleps
Who please the Australian and UK boors
But the US did get it quite wrong
44 nations adore her new song
The yanks made a mistake
They watch Rikki Lake
And most have never heard of Hong Kong
Now Kylie's single made its US debut
Getting airplay on New York's WKTU
Will Junior and Danny make it a club anthem
That makes Chelsea queens feet start a-dancing?
I hope so. Her US success is long overdue.
Capitol Records is set to release
This monumental dancefloor beast
Forget that whore Britney
The real deal rocks Sydney
Kylie's career now has a new lease!


Read Matthew Denby's review of Kylie, live in Sydney

Then read Matthew's article "Kylie Minogue Spins Back"

Visit Kylie's official site

If you care about Dannii, visit her official site

For info on Jason Donovan

Share your own Kylie limerick here.


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