Two Australian Kylie fans and one American recent
convert to Minogueism wax limerickally about Ms. Minogue, her sister and
fellow pop star Dannii, her ex boyfriends Jason Donovan and Michael Hutchence,
and the chances that her latest UK chart-topping album Fever, due for
US release in 2002, will make Americans forget about "The Locomotion."
On Kylie, the rumors
The Princess Botox to wed
An Essex boy sharing her bed
Jason was number one
Michael, the most fun
But will James prove the most fucked in the head?
Australia's not too populous, I know,
So I wonder--did Kylie ever bang Russell Crowe?
Did the Gladiator plunder?
Did they drink at the Leagues 'til they chundered?
I bet he found her too shallow.
On Kylie, the gay icon
Those gold hot pants created a stir
Even gay guys were known to purr
But did they her want her bum?
As a rule of thumb,
I think they just want to be her.
Kylie keeps flashing her bum
But she can't make all the boys come
A lot of her fans are gay
Some even like "Please Stay"
And would rather have tea with her mum
Kylie's fan club is comprised of queens
They like losers and drunks and has-beens
Quite why they love a pop princess
Not known for pills, booze or excess
Has spawned debates and bitch fights, umpteen.
On Kylie's sister, Dannii
Kylie is top of the pops
But Dannii keeps churning out flops
One sister sizzles
The other one fizzles
But both will go on till one drops
Dannii is Kylie's sis
She was uglier than the average Miss
She lost some weight
Plastic surgery made her easier to date
And yet, the crowds still hiss
Dannii was light on hits
So she decided to add weight to her tits
They cut under her arms
Inserted silicon charms
Now she trades on flashing her bits
Dannii developed an image obsession
Because of her husband's confession
He cheated with some soap opera slut
Dannii's surgeon did cut
That really taught him a lesson
"This is it", sang Dannii in flamenco
Til she found hubbie in flagrenti delecto
With a cheap TV bitch
High Voltage did snitch
Now Shannen Doherty's dating that dingo
Dannii's mother-in-law thought she was white trash
And her marriage was over in a flash
Lady Sonia's a snob
Her facelift a botch job
She's proof class doesn't come with cash
Back in the charts comes Dannii
To prove she's no flash in the panny
Hot on her sister's heels
"Who do you love now?" she squeals
Before clumsily thrusting her fanny
Dannii did a cover of "Coconut"
Giving her the cred of a peanut
She's so desperate for fame
Johnny Young's to blame
He made this No Talent Slut
On Kylie's brother, Brendan
Brendan's the quiet Minogue
He's a cameraman, if you didn't know
He's not remotely famous
But you cannot blame us
For wanting to give him a blow
On Kylie's ex, Jason Donovan
There once was a teen idol named Jase
Who decided to sue The Face
His career did fall
The queens they did maul
And now he's out of the race
Jason Donovan was a stunning blonde boy
But don't build your career on being a sex toy
All his hair's did fall out
Of that there's no doubt
Now all he does is snort and annoy
Jason keeps screaming "I ain't gay"
We all just wish he'd go away
He's turned into a loser
And a big fat drug user
Who can't even afford a toupee
I couldn't be gay, explained Jase
I surf, I bong, I freebase
Coke left me sensitive to light
I have fits at the sight
I'm broke, can I stay at your place?
On Kylie's ex, Michael Hutchence
Was Michael Hutchence a dom or a sub?
We wondered when he made his fatal flub
One thing we know for sure
That "Locomotion" singer isn't so pure
Hutchence inducted her into the mile high club
Kylie's ex Michael found dead, nude
Now she's stuck with some anonymous dude
Hutchence choked to death wanking
His career had been tanking
His last album was poorly reviewed
On Kylie's cameo in Moulin Rouge
Note: Kylie Minogue had a bit part in Moulin Rouge
as the green fairy who appears when Ewen McGregor drinks absinthe. Notably,
the green fairy's voice was dubbed by Ozzy Osbourne, providing an odd
commingling of the limerick authors' celebrity obsessions.
Moulin Rouge pushed Kylie to the fore
Compared, Kidman's a carrot-topped whore
The green fairy did fly
The soundtrack they did buy
She left audiences screaming for more
The green fairy's popularity?
I can explain it with great clarity
One need only think of the voice
If metal voices were cars, it'd be a Rolls Royce
Ozzy rules with sheer tenacity!
On Kylie's chances for a US comeback
Whilst Kylie crooned "Locomotion"
Madonna began "Causing a Commotion"
Now Americans diss Kylie with Tiffany,
Debbie Gibson, and others of 80s infamy
Sadly, not sharing Australia's devotion
Geffen Records did dump our queen
To the US mainstream she is a has-been
But the gays still buy her on import
To them Madonna's her cohort
The midwest's ignorance is obscene
I too share your dream
That Kylie in the US will reign supreme
Perhaps I'll see her at a festival show
with Ozzy Osbourne and Sheryl Crow
If Ozzy bites off Kylie's head, will she scream?
If J.Lo counts as hot
The US chart is just an ink blot
Ignore Kyles at your peril
'Coz her sales have gone feral
Whether the US cares or not
US musical taste may be poor
With Limp Bizkit and Puffy selling out tours
but at least we don't have Vengaboys and Steps
Mel C, Taxi Ride and other talentless schleps
Who please the Australian and UK boors
But the US did get it quite wrong
44 nations adore her new song
The yanks made a mistake
They watch Rikki Lake
And most have never heard of Hong Kong
Now Kylie's single made its US debut
Getting airplay on New York's WKTU
Will Junior and Danny make it a club anthem
That makes Chelsea queens feet start a-dancing?
I hope so. Her US success is long overdue.
Capitol Records is set to release
This monumental dancefloor beast
Forget that whore Britney
The real deal rocks Sydney
Kylie's career now has a new lease!
