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If I Were A Celebrity You Would Care

Ape Culture's correspondent Gary Baum's slant on Vanity Fair's Proust Questionnaire

Gary Baum, writer, essayist, contemporary culture critic, and distinguished sixteen-year-old publisher of My Manifesto, pauses here to reflect on his true passion -- Cheerios.



What is your idea of perfect happiness?


What is your greatest fear?

Running out of Cheerios.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?

Winston Churchill. He's British. He probably said 'Cheerio!' once in a blue moon.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

Cheerios inadequacy.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Cheerios envy.

What is your greatest extravagance?

Multi-Grain Cheerios.

What is your favorite journey?

From my bedroom to my pantry (to get my Cheerios box) to the cupboard (to get a bowl) to the refrigerator (to get a carton of milk) to the table (where everything comes together).

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

Cheerio dependency.

What do you dislike most about your appearance?

The Cheerios dust that litters the front of my shirt.

Which living person do you most despise?

Anyone who nettles with my Cheerios.

What is your greatest regret?

Not yelling at someone who nettled with my Cheerios.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?


If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

My Cheerios dependency.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?

That Cheerios be eaten at every meal.

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?

My Cheerios box.

What is your most treasured possession?


What is the quality you most like in a man?

Affinity for Cheerios.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?


Who is your favorite hero of fiction?

Jerry Seinfeld on Seinfeld. He ate Cheerios.

How would you like to die?

While eating Cheerios.

What is your motto?

"Eat Cheerios morning, noon, and night. Don't worry about the consequences. Live for today. Tomorrow you may run out."

Read Gary Baum's If I Were A Celebrity You Would Care #2 & 3.


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