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Celebrity Zoo: Celebrity Fit Club,
Starring: Tempestt Bledsoe, Jeff Conaway, Countess
Vaughn, Bruce Vilanch, Kelly LeBrock, Young M.C., Chastity Bono, and Bizarre Week One: Off to a Waddling
Start (1/1/03) WeeK One Nerdia: I can’t believe CFC has lasted this long. It must be VH1’s placement of the premiere on New Years Day to compliment our new year’s weight-loss resolutions; or maybe it’s our weight-obsessed culture colliding with our reality-addicted natures. I can’t quite figure it out because the show was never really all that riveting. Although I did waste the better part of a Sunday watching reruns of Season 2 - Jani Lane’s downward addiction spiral and Willie Aames meltdown (who then received teammate counseling from a comparatively rational Gary Busey, of all people). This season seems to have upped the ante with a mostly inebriated Jeff Conaway (Bobby Wheeler on Taxi; Kenickie in Grease; Zack on Babylon 5). This begs the question, is weight loss really the primary problem of a substance abuser? This season’s cast also includes: Tempestt Bledsoe (Vanessa on The Cosby Show), Countess Vaughn (Kim Parker on Moesha, and The Parkers), Bruce Vilanch (square of the Hollywood Squares), Kelly LeBrock (fantasy woman in Weird Science), Young M.C. (rapper of “Bust a Move”), Chastity Bono (famous gay-rights activist and daughter of Sonny & Cher), and Bizarre (rapper in D12, Eminem’s posse). Coolia’s Rankings for 1/1/06:
Nerdia’s Rankings for 1/1/06:
Coolia’s Comments Question to Nerdia: Would Chastity slip to #2 if she had
a Jeff-like meltdown? I do know I want to like it. In fact, I have a minor vested interest, as a Cher Scholar, in Chastity Bono’s progress. Over the years I have come to like Chastity (or Chas as her peeps call her). To be frank, I did not dig her as a tot babbling about life with her parents at the end of The Sonny & Cher Comedy Hour. As a tot-S&C fan myself, I was mostly jealous of her spot as the adored-child of the bugle-beaded duo. And I felt a sense of pure outrage when I learned Chastity was not only born the same year I was, but a few months ahead of me. It simply couldn’t be! Chastity as a TV character should be perpetually Shirley-Temple-like and never age or in any case certainly not be older than moi, the stalwart 7 year-old S&C fan. Then we all watched her grow up in People Magazine spreads and in clips from Barbara Walters specials. She went tomboy somewhere in there, the kind of tomboy who most probably had the urge to prowl the schoolyard and beat up Cher fans. That wasn’t a good development. Then she came out. And surprisingly not in a smug, entitled-child-of-celebrity way. In her book, Family Outing, and on talk shows, she came across as smart, well-spoken, and unassuming. She appeared dikey sometimes (showing her pocket knife collection on Howie Mandel’s talk show), but other times domestic, with a recipe in her mother’s chef’s cookbook Cooking with Cher, and then other times downright girlie, like when she expressed schoolgirlish glee at being paired on a CFC team with Countess Vaughn. One Cher fan friend of mine recently raised the issue that Chas might be using her already reality-show life as daughter of S&C and exploiting it for money with books and appearances. She’s signed for a home-improvement reality show as well. If this happens to be true, it’s exploitation quid pro quo in my book. I’m sure her parents didn’t lug her out on stage every week for her own good. So far, I’m also inclined to like Kelly LeBrock. Her being-skinny-aint-the-holy-grail testimony sounded sincere. Moreso than when Tyra Banks whines about it. She’s not coming across as a smug “don’t hate me because I’m beautiful” ice queen. And yet doesn’t seem to be bonding with her teammates, either. The show’s host, Ant, was absolutely insufferable on But Can They Sing, with his various unoriginal and unfunny gay puns. Maybe he’s been made to “tone down the gay” on this show to make room for the unfunny, canned jokes of Bruce Vilanch. Rumor has it Vilanch wrote the monologues for Cher’s farewell tour. If you’ve seen Cher’s last tour, and I did far too many times, you’ll know the term monologue is a stretch. The humor was packaged more in quip form, one-offs at best. Not even full one-liners. “Ladies and gentleman and flamboyant gentleman” – is that the work of Vilanch? On this show, Vilanch plays up his act of "not trying" maybe in an attempt to avoid looking stupid or incompetent. Or maybe simply just to get a laugh. Either way, it just feels lazy to me. It’s also hard to drum up much love for Jeff Conaway.
I’m beginning to recall Marilu Henner’s memoir about her experiences
working with him on the stage version Vanessa Bledsoe was never my favorite Cosby Show
character. But Tempestt has blossomed; she doesn’t seem fat enough
to be on the show. The same can be said of Countess from Moesha
and The Parkers. Due to the ghettoization of black TV shows on
UPN, these are shows I’ve never seen. But clips show a wise-cracking
chunky Countess that I would most likely find likable. However, she’s
already gone through a serious makeover and I cannot understand why she
made the fat cut on this show (weighing only 130 pounds) when Kelly LeBrock
was rumored to have force-fed herself to qualify. Both Countess and Tempesssstt
look fine to me. I worry that the Countess may never be satisfied with
her weight no matter how much she loses and we might well have a tragic
story of anorexia or bulimia on our hands. And I thought only mousy white
women, like Karen Carpenter and Tracey Gold developed this problem. Young
M.C. likewise seems big but not fat. Of the two rappers, he seems more
level-headed and dedicated to self-improvement. I fear Bizarre and Vilanch
with their not-taking-their-health-issues-seriously will get old and frustrating
fast. Their humorous denials are just as flaccid as Jeff’s pathetic
rationalizations in their own way. And I doubt Vilanch’s body of
humor writing can surmount the inevitable fat-death jokes that will ensue
when he’s discovered like a beached whale in some Vegas hotel (Ref.
John Candy, Chris Farley, Elvis)…
How do you feel about the celebrity fat epidemic? Please refrain from dropping any Jeff Conaway sympathy in our forum. Many thanks.
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