Ape Culture - Ask a Grownup Column

ASK A GROWN-UP YOUR CELEBRITY QUESTIONS

By Max Burbank

Hey Kids, got a question for The Grown-up? Email him!

Hey, Grown-up:

I was reading this bio and apparently Rob Lowe used to be in some group called "The Brat Pack." What's up with that?

West Wing Wondering

Dear Wondering:

"The Brat Pack" was a loosely configured group of young actors "back in the day," who appeared in movies such as St. Elmo's Fire and John Hughes vehicles The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles and Some Other Unbearable Piece of Crap with Molly Ringwald in it. This was some time prior to Ginger leaving the Spice Girls or just about the time you graduated to pull-ups. Brat Packers still on your radar might include some of Martin Sheen's children and that guy with the drug problem on Ally Mcbeal. Other members included Andrew McCarthy whom I promise you've never heard of as he was recently forced to vanish from existence retroactively by the Screen Actors Guild, and Anthony Michael Hall, who after being on one of the seasons of Saturday Night Live that Comedy Central won't rerun even in the middle of the night, was forced to retire from acting when his neck became so much thicker than his head he could only be cast as a human oddity or Bill Gates.

Grownup Dude:

I just wrote in to give mad props to Josie and the Pussycats, but like, my Dad says that a cartoon he used to watch was named the same thing. I say he's wak.

My Dad is Wak

Dear Wak:

I'm afraid your Father is quite correct. Josie... was what's called a "clone," or copy of a more successful show, Scooby Doo, Where Are You? much as Celebrity Boot Camp is a copy of Survivor. Oddly, both Scooby and Josie were Hanna-Barbera products. In it's first season, Josie featured the adventures of a girl group with "'Ears for Hats" who were constantly getting mixed up in bizarre super-villain type schemes in third world countries. In the second, less obviously racist season, the group was accidentally launched into space where dusky, evil Arabs, Asians and Sub-Continental Indians were replaced by bug-eyed aliens. There was no third season, making this perhaps the least consequential TV show to be made into a movie with the possible exception of Pretty Woman, an adaptation of the short-lived CBS 1978 summer replacement Polly Holiday vehicle What a whore! A major focus of the show was the proto-sexual love triangle between Josie, roady Alan (a hunky, blond, closeted homosexual in the tradition of Freddy on Scooby Doo) and Alexandra, the scheming, skunk-coifed sister of the band's cowardly, Casey Casem-voiced, Shaggy-esque manager. The cartoon, while beloved by an aging population preparing to bankrupt social security, featured neither the movie version's self-conscious, tongue-in-cheek attitude nor the lengthy, graphic, group sex scenes.

Grown-up, Man;

I just got Beatles 1 and it is mad phat retro. These guys came out of nowhere. Are they going to tour?

Stoopit in Southy

Dear Stoopit:

Unfortunately not. This band no longer exists. The songs on Beatles 1 were recorded in the pre-grunge era, contemporary with Elvis, Man landing on the Moon (no really, it happened!) and Happy Days if you ever stay up late and watch Nick at Night. Lead singer John Lennon was tragically killed a while ago by somebody, possibly his wife Yoko, though no one actually remembers for sure. AWOL from the "Where are they now?" file are George and Ringo, while bassist Paul McCartney is best remembered for setting in motion the chain of events that would eventually lead to the end of Western Civilization by recording "The Gosh Darn Girl is Mine." Here's some fun 'fab' trivia to share: originally called "The Silver Beatles," they came from England, the country Madonna got her current accent from, if you're old enough to know who she is. Their first drummer, Pete Best, was asked to leave the group when it was discovered that Paul was already the "annoying one." Best, along with George Martin, Davy Jones and Chaka Kahn, is often called the "Fifth Beatle." Interestingly, if you play Beatles 1 backwards, attentive listeners will hear all the Beatles' number one songs backwards.

DID YOU KNOW???

John Travolta was a pathetic has-been and a mega- star several times before you were even born!!! This means Battlefield Earth is probably not the end of his career!
Current President Bush is actually the son of the President Bush who came before Clinton!! Here's how to tell them apart: Bush senior suffers from prissiness and a severe speech disorder. Bush Junior, while appearing to have the same characteristics, is just significantly below normal intelligence. Adding to the confusion, Barbara Bush, who looks old enough to be Bush Senior's mom, once played the Skipper on Gilligan's Island.
Ethnic singing sensation Ricky Martin was once in a band called Menudo!!! Britney Spears was a Mousketeer!!! Can you think of any other pop icons of the bubblegum set who were once marketed exclusively to pedophiles?

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