(*everything i know about England i learned from Microsoft
Queen Elizabeth &
Buckingham Palace is where Queen Elizabeth lives.
This is where Princess Diana had to endure tea with her chilly mum-in-law
and wear dowdy polka dot dresses with big bow hats.
You will find lots of old stuff if you visit Great Britain. Like
castles, for instance. And if the movie Haunted Honeymoon,
starring Gilda Radner and Gene Wilder, is any indication castles
can be kind of drafty...and haunted.
The British don't have as many TV channels as we do. They think
this means they're more cultured than we are, but they're just
jealous of our Andy Griffith reruns on TV Land. And frankly, who
The British insist on doing things differently for some reason
or another. They have different electric sockets, different VCR
formats, different condiments for their french fries. Americans
get very frustrated when they travel abroad and try to order water
with ice cubes or plug in various thingamajigs. Hey, what's wrong
with this picture? We invented the bloody energy source, for Pete's
is falling, falling down.
London bridge is falling down....
That's all I know.
If you liked Mel Gibson in Hamlet, you'll LOVE Shakespeare.
Actors like Al Pacino and other celebrities who call themselves
thespians like to perform his plays in parks for free. This makes
them feel more arty and less cheap after they finish filming commercials
for SUVs and Macintosh computers.
The Northern British countryside is sprinkled with boggy moors,
supposedly haunted (just like the castles)! If Emily Bronte is
to be believed, young Lawrence Olivier types are often found brooding
here, tormented by unrequited love. Often, you can get sucked
into a moor vortex where you are forced, in a frenzy, to skip
to the back of the book so you can find out if the spawn of Heathcliff
and Cathy finally hook up. And they mock our Hallmark channel.
Adorable Phone Booths
With the advent of the cellular phone, a traditional booth on
the corner has become a tad passé even in Great Britain,
which is really a shame because adorable British phone booths
don't cause brain cancer.
British folk like to play Cricket, a game indecipherable to most
Americans, but Elton John seems to like it.
A British Punk
You can learn a lot about British Punks by watching the film
Sid and Nancy. British punks hate Stevie Nicks and Rod
Stewart as opposed to American Punks, who hate skinheads and Barry
And you felt bad because you had trouble learning how to tell
time with anything but a digital clock. The British tell time
Cider on Tap & Eurodollars
I heard it on good authority that you can get hard cider on tap
in Great Britain. Happy day! But just remember, you need a money
unit called a pound or today you can possibly use a new currency
called a eurodollar to purchase alcoholic cider. In any case,
a British pub may be the only place your Visa card is not accepted.
Commonly, Americans create a Texas-style fuss when this happens
abroad. This is quite normal and Europeans expect it. They really
do accept Visa. They were just teasing you.