Ape Culture - Heavy Metal Love Haiku

Heavy Metal Haikus Part II

By Jimmy Fahrenheit and Magnus Thornbjorn

Who are Jimmy Fahrenheit and Magnus Thornbjorn?

Haikus de Jimmy Fahrenheit

Ozzy's big secret: He's a Muppet, controlled by John Bonham's ghost
Motley Crue sober Is like watching scrambled porn On the Spice Channel
About Rob Halford The boys never suspected, But the girls all knew
Tommy Lee is not Ashamed of the video. He's proud of his schlong.
Bands who name themselves After continents suck hard. (See Asia, Europe)
C. C. Deville is Phyllis Diller's coked-up twin Ugly transvestite
Yngwie, Yngwie say It twice and it becomes an Urgent cry for help
Oh, White Lion, how Your fabulous manes provoked Countless orgasms
Several German girls Can spend hours extolling Vince Neil's sex appeal.
Bon Scott, an avid Ghengis Khan fan, thought Khan led "Mongolian whores."
Aerosmith: how else Could Steven Tyler have sex With gorgeous women?
"Vinnie Vincent Invasion!" Scream it in a crowded train, And you'll scare some folks.
W. A. S. P.: they fuck like beasts But the beast of which they speak Is a platypus

Haikus de Magnus Thornbjorn

It's the Final Count- down. But Europe, why the synths? You're no GTR.
Zakk Wylde can't spell his own name. I wish he would drink less, play less.
O' Pamela Lee, metal paid Tawny much more for her two videos.
One-armed drummer. Now we can't fire singer if he's decapitated.
Snoo-oooo-oopy, Snoo-oooo-oopy, come home, Snoopy come home. Ozzy's hungry for dog head.
I can chug a can of Aqua Net and not die. Beat that, Kip Winger.
Pamela Lee, please! Before you get on a boat beware its motley crew.
Few bands are named after cereal. Remember Kix? Baltimore sucks.
Lita Ford, Vixen and Extreme all rocked my world. They were those girls, right?
Yngwie Malmsteen lives. Yngwie Malmsteen kicks your ass. Yngwie Malmsteen lives.

BIOS OF JIMMY FAHRENHEIT AND MAGNUS THORNBJORN

JIMMY FAHRENHEIT

Jimmie Fahrenheit is the former bass player of the mid-‘80s metal band Enraged Hedgehog. They were signed to a major label deal, on the brink of stardom, but their label refused to release their album, which depicted a naked, limbless woman with her face stuffed in a hedgehog’s crotch, wearing a Walter Mondale mask. Fahrenheit refused to compromise on the cover art, saying it was a recurring nightmare of his, and the album, the oft-bootlegged Ultimate Fear Party, was a concept album based on that nightmare. The band broke up over Fahrenheit’s principled stand. He tried starting several other groups, including a heavy metal Falco cover band, but none met with any success.

Today, Fahrenheit lives by himself in Rahway, N.J., a mere stone’s throw from the state prison, where he works as a janitor in the women’s wing, making a good deal of money on the side selling black market cigarettes, maxi-pads and some of the hundreds of Bedazzlers he bought one night after drinking an entire two-liter bottle of Welch’s grape soda in 24 seconds. In his spare time, he enjoys writing haikus about some of the other heavy metal bands he met during his time in Enraged Hedgehog. These haikus are but a few of the hundreds he’s written over the years, most of them penned while watching Mama’s Family reruns.

MAGNUS THORNBJORN

Magnus Thornbjorn, born in either Holland or Norway, played lead guitar for numerous 1980s Scandinavian and European metal bands, most notably Thundering Christ Monster and Umlaut (simply the symbol). Known for his ability to craft entire solos with only his whammy bar, Thornbjorn is also infamous for biting the members of Candlemass while they slept in their tour bus. His largest hit, Umlaut’s “Hot Odin Nights (Show Me Your Golden Apples),” off the multi-platinum “My Abyss, Your Abyss” album marked the acme of his career. Umlaut’s follow up, 1985’s “Bloody Thor Usurps the Universe and Delivers Justice from His Changeling Hammer: An Opera” flopped miserably, leading to death threats and an opening slot on Queensryche’s world tour. Thornbjorn retired from performing and recording altogether one night in 1986 after witnessing fellow Scandinavian Yngwie Malmsteen play a Bach sonata backwards, in C sharp major, in 7/8 time, with two broken strings, with the guitar on fire behind his back, standing on his head, with a gerbil in his ass. The gerbil was also on fire.

Since then, while he’s not professionally competing in the “Magic: The Gathering” or battling in the World’s Strongest Man competitions around the globe, Thornbjorn has been writing and researching a 6,000 page book on Alistair Crowley’s little-known interest in windsurfing. He’s also published poetry in periodicals such as Gotte Greis Illustrated, Whammy Bar Freak, My Parents Walk Around Naked, Juggs, and The Ladies Home Journal. Since 1996, Thornbjorn has not been photographed unless wearing ski goggles and a bowler. Some reports say he has resurfaced, following a sex change operation earlier this year, as Monkberry Moon Delight, the HORDE tour’s popular folk singer and performance poet. These haikus were transcribed, verbatim, from a show he recently performed in West Virginia.

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