Ape Culture - Richard Simmons Counsels Fat Pets

Sam

Dear Sam,

You are the feline equivalent of my 800 pound human friend Greg who was too big to leave his house. When he finally called upon me for help, I recommended he check into a residential treatment center. Workmen had to remove a wall to get Greg out of the house.

But, Sam, I'm not telling you that to make you despair. Banish those nasty suicidal thoughts right away! So far, Greg has lost 300 pounds. You can lose weight too. Your glands and your owners and even your feline companion may be against you, but I'm on your side. And we can do it together!

I know how hard it is to be teased. You may not be aware, but I was a grossly obese teen and a total outcast. I was fat, uncoordinated, effeminate, and a priss. You just have to shut out those cat calls and focus on YOU.

I will work with your veterinarian on a diet and exercise program for you. Sorry, the plan won't include catnip--I don't condone drug use or diet pills. You'll do it the healthy way. You've made the first step, but you've got a loooooong way to go. Don't give up hope and don't be aloof. I'll be there to scratch your ears.

Love,
Richard