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SAMPLE BCAT

(Burbank Celebrity Analogies Test)

By Max Burbank

The BCAT (Burbank Celebrity Analogies Test) is a standardized test of celebrity based analogies used to assist graduate departments, trained therapists and the FBI Department of Profiling at Quantico in their admissions process.

Directions: In each question, a word pair in capital letters is followed by four other word or clause pairs. Choose the pair that expresses a relationship most similar to the relationship expressed in the capitalized pair.

 

1. ALAN HALE : BOB DENVER ::

A) Skipper : Gilligan

B) Dick Cheney : George W. Bush

C) Alan Hale Snr. : Bob Denver's Dad, if he'd been a movie actor

D) Dominant, burly, rough trade, homosexual convict: Robert Blake in about fourteen months

 

 

 

 

2. REGIS : WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE? ASPIRANT ::

A) Employer : Interviewee

B) Jeri Ryan : A fat, naked Trekkie with a computer and privacy

C) Johnny Cochran : Robert Blake in about fourteen months

D) A Saint Christopher's Medal : Your 96-year old Nana seconds before you tell her that about a decade ago the Catholic Church announced Saint Christopher never existed so she's been praying to dead air her whole life

 

3. SPECIAL AGENT FOX MULDER : THE TRUTH ::

A) Sir Lancelot : The Holy Grail

B) Jenna Bush : Kegger!

C) Half a dozen wards of the state : The WB Fall line-up

D) Willard Scott : A heapin' helpin' of mashed pertators

 

 

 

 

4. THE WEST WING : THE WHITE HOUSE ::

A) Liberal fantasy : Conservative reality

B) Silence of the Lambs: The FBI

C) A personal jet pack : Mom's used mini-van

D) A giant tower of diamonds, platinum, rubies and emeralds : A flaming bag of dog crap

 

 

 

5. BRITNEY SPEARS : CHRISTINA AGUILERA ::

A) The Backstreet Boys : N'Sync

B) Six of one : Half dozen of another

C) A gum-snapping call girl : Another gum-snapping call girl

D) Forcible violation at the hands of an adult male silverback gorilla : Surviving an earwig burrowing all the way through your brain only to learn it was a female... AND SHE LAID HER EGGS!!

 

 

6. TOM CRUISE : NICOLE KIDMAN ::

A) Prince Charles : Princess Diana

B) Bruce Willis : Demi Moore

C) William Shatner : James Doohan

D) A really old magazine in a dentist's office that you read when it first came out : Some other thing you couldn't give a damn about if your life depended on it

 

 

 

7. PEARL HARBOR: THE MOVIE : HISTORY ::

A) The Ten Commandments : Religion

B) Godzilla VS. Mecha-Godzilla : Science

C) Nympho Cheerleader Dungeon IV : Cinema

D) A soggy bowl of Alpha Bits : Literature

 

 

 

8. ROBERT DOWNEY JR. : SUBSTANCE ABUSE ::

A) Achilles : His heel

B) Wile E. Coyote : ACME Products

C) Senator Orin Hatch : Boy scouts

D) Willard Scott : A heapin' helpin' of mashed pertators

 

 

 

9. OPRAH : MARTHA STEWART ::

A) Books : In Style

B) Faust : The Portrait of Dorian Gray

C) Megalomania : Anal retention

D) A sound reason for global biological warfare : The gaping maw of Hell

 

 

10) AARON CARTER, "THE LITTLE PRINCE OF POP" : CURRENT MUSIC MARKETING TRENDS

A) "Outrageous Gasoline Prices and Fatal Accidents Make Supermodels Sexually Aroused!" : Upcoming Ford Explorer ad campaign

B) "Let them Eat Cake" : Republican "big tent" recruitment strategy

C) A fetus on steroids on a Wheaties box : 2008 Olympic merchandising

D) Robert Blake in about fourteen months : Offers of cigarettes and "companionship" in return for protection


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