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Ape Culture Cares About Celebrities on Hard Times
(And I meant it.) Our stand at Ape Culture toward Mr. Jackson is actually one of complete concern and caring, as this article will forthwith prove. I am convinced the problem of Michael Jackson needs more attention, not less. Here is a man in trouble. And the manufacturers of that man must not only take credit for the trouble, but do something about it. Which is why Ape Culture is proposing a European recall on Michael Jackson. If you find Michael Jackson anywhere in Europe, send him back to the United States. We can’t refund your money but we will make repairs on the product and send him back as good as he was when he was 10. You may have to put up with a Janet or Latoya replacement model for a short period of time; but don’t worry. Michael will be back on the market again before you know it. You see, in America, we have recently recognized a trend among our more obscurity-challenged exports. These include, among others, Farrah Fawcett, Elizabeth Taylor, and Mariah Carey. The basic defect is that they have an all too quick propensity to freak out, go nutty, pop an eyeball or two. Before now, we've had no American facility to handle this type of malady for the overly-celebrated individual, no equivalent to a Betty Ford Center, as it were. Thus, through the common sense and great ingenuity of a group of obscure little people, we hereby unveil:
Celebrities can be assured that these Oompa Loompas have an unprecedented access to the latest youth-stall drugs, such as the Everlasting Gobstopper, which does indeed stop gobs in a very everlasting manner. The main areas of care at the Oompa Loompa Clinic include: Exhaustion, Dehydration, Chronic Fatigue and General Wackitude. But this is by no means preclusive. Oompa Qualifications: The Loompas are highly qualified to deal with outrage and ego in potent and often deadly combinations. After all, they did leave their homeland of Loompaland to escape fierce beasts, to which many celebrities can relate, if "beast" means ugliness, uncoolness, shack-poverty and a dastardly malady called normalcy. In fact, "running from the past" is a Loompa-specialty. The medical library at this clinic boasts a wealth of information on the Wang Doodle who used to eat 10 Oompa Loompas for breakfast, which brings us to another celebrity foible: bulimia. Other beasts of interest: Horn Swagglers (Alcoholism); Swash Manglers (Emotional Scars); and Rotten Vermicious Kinids (Celebrities with Children who Commit Crimes). Here is a sample of their ground-breaking work:
for Exhaustion: Oompa loompa dipity-doo What do you get when you collapse with exhaustion Oompa loompa dipity-da
for Dehydration: Oompa loompa dipity-doo Not drinking water is fine when it’s once in a while Oompa loompa dipity-da
for Chronic Fatigue: Oompa loompa dipity-doo What is it really when you have Epstein-Barr? Oompa loompa dipity-da
for Sudden Episodes of Insanity: Oompa loompa dipity-doo Why do celebrities go so suddenly wack? Oompa loompa dipity-da Oompa loompa dipity-da
Crazy Michael Jackson fans, please leave your comments on the Michael Jackson Hate-mail page. Thank you. And because we know you have many hatemails to write, you might want to use our mad-as-hell lib, the automatic michael jackson fan hatemail generator.
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