Ape Culture - Dead Celebrity Chat: Frank Sinatra

Transcript - Ape Culture's Live(ish) Chat with Frank Sinatra

WARNING! Mr. Sinatra works blue, even in the afterlife. This chat is not for the easily offended, especially those who don't like hearing women referred to as "broads."

[Tue July 24 21:01:35 EDT 2001]

<Channeler_of_Bored> Dooo be dooo be dooo

<Channeler_of_Bored> Do do do dah dah dah be dah

<Nerdia> Welcome everybody! The Channeler of the Bored is establishing contact with Mr. Sinatra.

<Channeler_of_Bored> Doo be doo be doo

<Channeler_of_Bored> Doo beeeee dooo...Hey, is this Hoboken?

<Nerdia> Welcome Francis Albert Sinatra from Hoboken, New Jersey, famous for rat packing and doo-wopping.

<Channeler_of_Bored> Thank you, it's a pleasure to be here, wherever here is.

<Matthew> Your technology is letting you down. I tried 15 times to get in.

<Channeler_of_Bored> Screw computers...give me a broad who can take dictation. If you know what I'm saying...dick-tation.

<Nerdia> First question: you were born in Hoboken. Was that the status squelcher it still is today?

<Channeler_of_Bored> Baby, it was good enough for Bon Jovi and Springsteen. Jersey's good enough for me. Not that I approve of that rock and roll music. It's music for juvenile delinquents and mental defectives.

<Matthew> Frank, I have a question for you. What did you do in your previous lives to deserve Kitty Kelly?

<Channeler_of_Bored> That fucking bitch...I got a pact with God...she's going straight to H E double hockey sticks.

<Matthew> Was Nancy the Tori Spelling of her generation?

<Channeler_of_Bored> Hey, I woulda banged Nancy if she weren't my daughter. She's a helluva dame. But I never banged any of my kids...especially not Frank Jr.

<Nerdia> Did you get beat up a lot with a name like Francis...just like that Boy Named Sue?

<Channeler_of_Bored> You know I used to get called dumb guinea...then I learned to knock people in the head...they don't call me that no more.

<Matthew> Where you humiliated to see your 50 year old daughter spreading her love in Playboy?

<Channeler_of_Bored> Listen, they didn't let me forward my Playboy subscription to purgatory...we only get Our Sunday Visitor and The Christian Science Monitor and Highlights for Kids.

<Nerdia> So...you're in purgatory, eh? I knew you couldn't be in heaven...what would you do up there? I imagine it would be too dull for you.

<Channeler_of_Bored> I found out that God is like a broad...if you're indifferent, endsville. So I'm sucking up for a few centuries.

<Nerdia> So what do you and Sammy Davis Jr. and Dean Martin do for fun and does God know about it?

<Channeler_of_Bored> Peter Lawford and me hang in the steam room here at the Sands...you may not know it but when old Vegas casinos get blown up, they go to purgatory. We're waiting for Joey Bishop to get here..he's late as usual...and Don Rickles. I can't hang with Dino. He's in heaven..he did more telethons.

<Nerdia> Dino was drunk during those telethons!

<Channeler_of_Bored> Sammy's in hell, so I don't see him..he was damned for recording "Candy Man."

<Nerdia> But he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good.

<Matthew> You called journalists "pimps and hookers" on your first Australian tour. Isn't this a bit judgmental coming from a man who's career was funded by the Mafia?

<Channeler_of_Bored> Who let this sissy boy in here? Where's my security? Watch yourself, nancy. I still got friends who got friends.

<Nerdia> We've all heard you use terms like "broad" and "toots". Aren't those terms derogatory against women?

<Channeler_of_Bored> Hey, the skirts I hung with never complained.

<Matthew> Did Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis have a sexual relationship?

<Channeler_of_Bored> I didn't hang with no faggots, so that should answer your question about Dino. I can't vouch for Jerry...too silly for me. I like men who are men, you know?

<Nerdia> Is all your homophobic bravado just a front for actually being gay?

<Matthew> Kitty Kelly alleges your mother ran an abortion clinic in your Hoboken basement.

<Channeler_of_Bored> Don't you disrespect my mother. She's in heaven..she sends me care packages..they don't include wire hangers.

<Nerdia> How many bobbysoxers did you deflower?

<Channeler_of_Bored> I had my share...lately I been following Ava around purgatory...that bitch broke my heart.

<Matthew> Did God like "Rosemary's Baby"?

<Channeler_of_Bored> When Mia came back with that short haircut, I smacked her around..it was like sleepin' with a little boy...I'm not a card-carrying member of NAMBLA.. She shoulda consulted me.

<Matthew> Probably the best rumor about you was that Mia Farrow was actually your biological daughter. Care to comment?

<Channeler_of_Bored> I think you're confused, fella. Her other husband was the molestor.

<Nerdia> Did you phone in your performances for the Duets albums? Do you even know who Gloria Estefan is?

<Channeler_of_Bored> That Spanish broad, yeah, I banged her. The most painful duet was the one I did with that cracker Jimmy Buffett...no class...he was barefoot. It's all about the way you wear your hat..but you gotta have shoes.

<Nerdia> What ingredients make up a hip swagger?

<Channeler_of_Bored> Listen, sister, if I have to tell you how to swagger you're never gonna get it. Besides, dames shouldn't swagger...they should blow on the dice of fellas who swagger.

<Matthew> Is it true the mafia threatened to kill DJs who refused to play "These Boots Are Made For Walking'"?

<Channeler_of_Bored> You've been a-messin' where you shouldn't been a-messin'.

<Nerdia> Did your championship of cocktail culture contribute to the high rate of alcoholism among modern swingers?

<Channeler_of_Bored> That was just part of the act...I cant help it if people wanted to be me but I can caution them against taking it too far...you don't wanna end up here. I have to spend 9:00 am - 11:30 am everyday listening to Engelbert Humperdink albums. That's followed by a buffet lunch.

<Matthew> Are you cut or uncut?

<Channeler_of_Bored> Cut, and hung like the horse who lost its head in The Godfather.

<Nerdia> You're a Republican. Don't you realize it was the work and policies of the Democrat party that made it possible for working-class Italian Catholics such as yourself to rise out of the ruins of Hoboken to die in a bed of luxury in Beverly Hills?

<Channeler_of_Bored> Ron and Nancy were friends of mine.

<Nerdia> So...what's your point?

<Channeler_of_Bored> I first banged Nancy in the Fifties..she liked it up the servant's entrance if you get my meaning. She was one dirty broad.

<Matthew> Yes Kitty Kelly alleges you fucked Nancy Reagan in the White House while Ronnie was napping.

<Channeler_of_Bored> I slammed her into the headboard so many times that Lincoln's ghost had to leave the room. She wanted me to wear her red dress...i had to draw the line. Nancy said, "Fuck me, chairman" so I did...wait...you're getting me more years in purgatory for talking like this.

<Nerdia> Is Chicago really your kind of town?

<Channeler_of_Bored> Chicago's got the Cubs and Michigan Avenue...but I prefer St. Louis.

<Nerdia> Who wouldn't? It's got....an arch.

<Nerdia> Are you still pissed that the Grammy Awards cut away from your acceptance speech?

<Channeler_of_Bored> Nah, nobody pays attention to those awards...they gave awards to those fruits with the braids, Milli Vanilli.

<Nerdia> So why aren't you in Hell anyway? You got somethin' on God?

<Channeler_of_Bored> God's Catholic, that's why!

<Matthew> Are your children sponging, talentless leeches who made your final weeks hell by fighting over the last few scraps of flesh they could tear from your carcass?

<Channeler_of_Bored> My kids were a disappointment. The gene pool musta been pissed in. Frank Jr., what a loser..now he's touring under my name. I can't wait to get my hands on him.

<Matthew> Was Frank Jr.'s kidnap merely your attempt to have him excised from the family line?

<Channeler_of_Bored> I was hoping Frank Jr. would end up like the Lindbergh baby. But luck wasn't a lady.

<Nerdia> Chairman of the Board--where are the dividends?

<Channeler_of_Bored> The dividends are paid in gin and tonics.

<Channeler_of_Bored> In purgatory, I have to record duets with Dusty Springfield. That broad was a rug muncher.

<Matthew> Is Liza as drug-fucked as she seems?

<Channeler_of_Bored> That broad has more problems that sequins on her dresses. Her face is fucked up...looks like a forceps accident.

<Matthew> Have you ever taken it up the arse?

<Channeler_of_Bored> Well, you know Barbara was kinda mannish. She used to want to wear a strap-on...but I drew the line. Nobody's making a broad out of The Chairman.

<Nerdia> You drew a lotta lines.

<Channeler_of_Bored> This chat is not ready for prime time. I could get a McCarthy hearin' for this.

<Nerdia> Kinda blue...this chat.

<Channeler_of_Bored> Like a Buddy Hackett routine...we used to drink at the Tropicana, Buddy and me.

<Channeler_of_Bored> I banged Cher once...she was a screamer...kept yellin' "I found someone."

<Nerdia> I heard she cried and said "We all sleep alone." And then kicked you outa bed

<Channeler_of_Bored> You know what, broads in purgatory are like Barbies...they got nothing but flat plastic down there.

<Nerdia> That sounds almost like Hell..are you sure you know where you are?

<Channeler_of_Bored> I'm in the jungle, baby, and you're gonna die, like it or not.

<Nerdia> I thought you hated rock and or roll.

<Channeler_of_Bored> I like that kid Axl Rose..he's got a fresh beat.

<Nerdia> I want God to be a fat happy woman and punish you.

<Channeler_of_Bored> God's catholic, I told ya..he's on my side...but he wants me to do a gospel album...that's what got Elvis into heaven, despite his child molestation.

<Matthew> I find it very hard to believe you are not in Hell. I think this is a hoax.

<Nerdia> Me too.

<Channeler_of_Bored> I made a lotta people happy with my music, baby. That counts with the big man upstairs.

<Matthew> You lived a life of selfish depravity, sexual excess and associated with the Mafia. Why would any God let you into Heaven, or is he in the Mafia too?

<Channeler_of_Bored> Listen, cats, I gotta run. You're grillin' me like I'm a porterhouse. I gotta date with Shirley Maclaine..she's astroplaning again.

<Nerdia> She's a spiritual ho.

<Channeler_of_Bored> She says I'm better in the sack than Jack Nicholson..but I think she's just being kind..still, a guy my age will take whatever he can get..at least earth babes are anatomically correct...even if her snatch is gray.

<Nerdia> Did you say her Swatch is gray?

<Channeler_of_Bored> I'm flying to the moon.

<Nerdia> Because she can get little covers for that. Mine is plaid now.

<Channeler_of_Bored> Swingin' from the stars.

<Nerdia> Thanks for chatting, Francis.

<Channeler_of_Bored> See you in purgatory, losers.

<Matthew> Bye

<Nerdia> Mr. Sinatra has left for coolsville in the sky.

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