Ape Culture - The "There's Your Boyfriend" Game

The "THERE'S YOUR BOYFRIEND" Game

*****RULES OF PLAY*****

EQUIPMENT

1 public place, preferably one where there are lots of unattractive guys, such as a bus depot or KISS convention
Minimum of 2 players, each with 2 eyes (players with 1 eye can play but will find themselves handicapped as peripheral vision is key)
Quick wit
Discretion (if you are obviously pointing at a guy, he might see you and he might even approach you, thus taking the game out of the realm of fantasy and making it an ugly reality

OBJECT OF THE GAME

Players strive to be the first to spot an ugly guy, then pronounce that guy the other player's boyfriend. Hilarity ensues as more and more dogs are spotted and designated as boyfriends.

START OF PLAY

Usually, the game begins when players are bored at the event they are attending or just feeling silly. It is not necessary to announce the beginning of the game or one's desire to play the game. As long as all members of the group are familiar with the game, a player need simply find a suitable ogre and tell another player: "See that guy at three o'clock? No, your three o'clock, not my three o'clock. The one in the Joey Buttafuoco zebra-striped pants. That's your boyfriend."

CONTINUATION OF PLAY

Play continues when another player picks out a boyfriend for someone else in the group. Players keep assigning boyfriends to each other as long as suitable candidates can be found. The more creative will make up additional scenarios as time passes and old boyfriends are spotted, e.g. "Look, there's your boyfriend from this morning. He's talking to another girl. You better kick her ass. Oh, never mind, I guess that's his mom" or "There's your boyfriend again. He's following us."

WINNING THE GAME

It's not about winning. It's about making fun of people.

The game ends when the players get sick of it, or when one player picks out a boyfriend who is so grotesque that he can't possibly be topped.

NOTES ON PLAY

Gay men can also play this game. Lesbians and straight men can customize the game by changing the title to "There's your girlfriend." Actually, straight men have been playing this game for years, and not always according to these discreet rules, c.f. the movie Dogfight, in which River Phoenix plays a soldier who asks Lili Taylor to a "dogfight," a party where every guy puts in money and the guy who brings the ugliest girl wins the pot. Bisexuals can have a free-for-all scramble.

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